The Bartlett Family Five

Is there a rehabilitation center for my addiction???

2011-12-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

Pintrest has exploded in my life. It is like crack. It sucks you into a land where time doesn't exist, a land where you are queen of all things crafty, a place where you have the ability to make your own eco friendly and cost effective cleaning products in a home organized into stream lined bliss. A wonderful world where you cook healthy innovative family friendly meals and look fabulous doing it because you're wearing the apron you whipped up using the scrapes from all the adorable craft projects you've just finished. Plus your hair is twisted and braided into into the latest trend and your make up is applied so that you appear refreshed and glowy and your eternity scarf is wrapped around you in stylish perfection. You live in this dream world until you look up and realize that somehow four hours have gone by and the kids are going to be home from school in less than an hour, you haven't showered, done your hair, or even put on a bra. The house is a mess, the baby has been watching TV and who knows what else most of the day, and you have a thousand errands to run because you are out of everything. So you jump in the shower, throw your hair in a bun, wipe everything down with expensive Clorox wipes, order a pizza for dinner and dump all the clutter into a laundry basket to be sorted later. When you look in the mirror all you see is a frazzled, hair still dripping wet, mess, in a house so unorganized you just decide to wear your husband's Army socks and rain boots because you can't find a matching pair of shoes (to be fair, the baby decided to play dress up with all of mommies shoes to pass the time while mommy was off in Pintrist land, and there are now random shoes all over the house) and your hope of putting on a bit of make up is dashed when you see your baby's arms and legs covered in red and black streaks, oh, not to mention all the dog hair now caked in the lash brush (but the dog has never looked so fetching, that lash define really does its job!). The sad thing is, now that I've wasted half my day, I think the solution is to get on Pintrest tomorrow and start a board on time management because I know that I'm just a few boards away from becoming the domestic goddess I am in my mind.

I need help.

Hiding

2011-08-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am currently hiding on the floor of my bedroom in the space between my side of the bed and the wall. I was in the middle of stripping all the beds and throwing sheets in one pile to be washed and blankets in another when I noticed how inviting all the blankets and pillows looked laying there all comfy and lumpy on the floor. So I snuggled down because my day started like this. The kids woke up this morning at an unhealthy 6:30am. I say unhealthy because their well being is certainly endangered by waking momma bear up that early. I sent them back to their rooms and told them that our day was not going to start until 8am and if they woke the baby (which is my 5 year old's favorite ploy to get the house up because once the baby is awake she knows that our day has to start) there would be NO FRIENDS, NO ACTIVITIES, NO FUN for the whole day!! So I go stomping off back to bed but my blood is already pumping with irritation and I was on high alert listening for any russell, any thump, any singsongy voice that might indicate that my children had the gull to enjoy being awake at this unholy hour instead of contritely laying in their beds as I had commanded. Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep and the day started only 30 mins later with a "Mommy where are you?" shouted from the crib down the hall, followed by an, "I didn't wake her up!!! She woke up all by her self!" also shouted from down the hall. So fine, its nearly 7:30am and our day has started. Breakfast, laundry, and wo be it unto the child who disobeys me because I am in a foul temper....until I stop vigorously ripping sheets from beds and notice the quite cushy space on my bedroom floor. I noticed it well over an hour ago. I closed the curtains, turned on the fan, and told the kids they could watch TV. I snuggled down and I napped, oh yes, I indulged in the glory of a mid morning nap and it was bliss. For over 60 minuets I turned the world off and totally forgot my lengthy "to do" list and how messy the house will be with three unsupervised children running rampant and just decided that I wanted a do over to my day. The only problem is that I enjoy the little cave I've created for myself a little too much. I hear Caden and Ella fighting. I hear what sounds like a pan hitting the kitchen floor. I hear my little Nali calling for me, not because she's in need, just because I belong to her and she wants my whereabouts accounted for. Yet here I hide. I don't want to referee, I don't want to clean up, I don't want to be accounted for. I am giving myself 10 more minuets to not exists, to just disappear as a part of the lumpy pile of blankets waiting for some responsible adult to come along and finish the laundry.

Time to settle

2011-07-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've got many more Alaska posts (three weeks worth) I just need to find a moment to get caught up on life so I can get to them. We got home from the great North and less then a week later I went to Georgia for a week for some much needed R&R and girl time. I got home a few days ago and immediately needed to do some deep cleaning and yard work. Today is cleaning out the refrigerator and some major grocery shopping along with addressing the piles of laundry that are threatening to over take the entire laundry room. Its nuts. I try to activities with the kids during the day so that they can enjoy what's left of their summer vacation, we try to squeeze in school time, I'm working on teaching them about the value of chores and allowances (they aren't totally convinced its a good system), all the while trying to make some headway in a home and yard that has been completely neglected for over a month while we've been enjoying the benefits of hotel living and being the guest to a great hostess. UGGGG....If only I could clone myself a couple of times over...or suddenly have super mom powers...

Alaska Adventure Day #8

2011-07-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Today was awesome. We headed north to the Chena Hot Springs. It is a 40 acre stretch that is privately owned and has been turned into a wonderful little resort. There are all these buildings build like rustic log cabins but house a rec center, restaurant, a swimming pool, gift shop, and hotel. But the main attraction in this little town/resort is the ice museum. It was incredible. We arrived in 80 degree weather and threw on parkas to enter the 20 degree zone. The outside of the building looks kind of small and I was a little dubious as to what we would find inside, my doubts were soon put to rest.

There is almost a cathedral feel to the building. The minute the doors close you feel like you are stepping into a different realm. The ice dampens the sound and reflects the light in a way that makes everything feel dream like. They start off the tour in the ice sculptor's work shop and explain how the artist takes a block of ice and transforms it into all of this.... The walls are made of ice blocks and every few feet you are dazzeled by the detailed carvings that punctuate the room.

In the center of the space there is an ice bar complete with stools made of ice (the tops covered in Caribou hide for your comfort), glasses made of ice, and an intricate pattern inlade in the bar top.

The most breath taking piece in the room is this larger than life sculptor of two knights jousting. The photo doesn't properly capture how incredible this piece is. Where the lance of the blue knight makes contact with the breast plate of the red knight there are ice shards jutting out representing the splintering of the wood. The reins of the saddle are these delicate long strings of ice. The detailing was simply amazing.

And all through out the museum there were these ice balls on stands. I thought it was amazing how the artist was able to carve and light an image inside a ball of ice.

There are themed rooms with beds for rent (only $600 to be cold and uncomfortable for a night), an igloo room with perfect acoustics complete with a xylophone made of ice so you can put the acoustics to the test (Jon tried out his vocal instrument by singing the National Anthem while Ella accompanied him on the xylophone), a sitting area with seating around an ice fireplace, and the whole room was lit by ice chandeliers.

It will be an outing we will be talking about for a long time. Jon and I thought that we should toast to another great Bartlett family adventure...with ice glasses melting in the 80 degree heat.

Alaska Adventure Day 6

2011-07-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

It was pouring rain again today and after spending most of yesterday sedentary (engrossed in our finds at the library) I knew that we needed to take action or the kid's untapped energy would bounce loudly and repeatedly off the small space all 6 of us share. The weather here is so crazy. It will pour one minute and then be beautiful and sunny the next. I check the forecast every morning when Jon leaves for work and usually it changes by the end of breakfast. It makes the days hard to plan and I tell you what, there is such pressure when the kids start off each day with, "what are we going to do today?" I truly never appreciated the energy and creativity it takes to make everyday a noteworthy adventure when you are with your little ones 24/7-so a special shout out to my mom, "thanks for so many years of noteworthy adventurous summer days!!" Today's adventure was swimming. The pool here isn't noteworthy in anyway, but the kids came home ready for lunch and a nap so I was happy. Bringing along a mother's helper also made me happy today because while the kids recharged their energy stores I was able to go to the store alone and get done some grocery shopping. All you mother's out there know the joy that comes from entering a store without your children, free to browse, or be alone with your thoughts, or even pop in your ear buds for some quality e-books time (at least that's what I do).

The rain finally let up in the early evening so after feeding the hungry masses dinner we headed to the park. These are some of my favorite times with my family. Nothing manufactured, no ticket required, just playing together. I get to remember how it felt to be spun on a tire swing, recall the joy in an intense game of freeze tag, and let my kids glimpse the kids their parent's once were. I have to say, having Ally here to take photos has been great because I am usually totally undocumented in our family outings.

We decided to end our evening by trying out a local ice cream parlor. Home made ice cream, heavy on the cream and by the wonderful taste and texture of the treat, heavy on the calories...but we're on vacation so who's counting, right? Danali fell asleep on the way over from the park. Its hard work keeping up with her family of big kids.
And that, my friends was day number 6.

Alaska Adventure Day 5

2011-07-07T00:47:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning to lightening and gray skies. YEAH! That means we're spending the morning in the library. The library here is awesome! It is super close to our hotel and offers reading areas for adults as well as the best kid's room I'ver ever seen. Its funny because we've only been here a little while but already we have our library routine. We walk in the door, the girls sprint to the kids room to play and see if there are other kids to play with, Caden starts combing the junior section for the next book in what ever series he's reading, and I gravitate to the three large round abouts with dozens of books on display. I keep meaning to ask who chooses the books that make the cut or what criteria frees a book from the obscurity of being one of thousands of titles stacked in the rows upon rows of books, but I am so caught up in reading jacket covers I always forget. I think that if I meet the display genius we would be fast friends. I am always drawn to at least half the eclectic collection of books and out of the 9 books I've read thanks to the mystery display person, only one wasn't worthy of finishing.

This is the kids play room. There are these great murals on the walls, blocks, balls, dinosaurs, stuffed animals, books, and all sorts of activities for kids.

Ella tells me every time we go into the kid's room that she wants her play room just like this and can we please please buy some wall paints so that I can paint the walls like this room. She would be so disappointed in the stick figures the balloon animals that would result if I put my artistic prowess to the test.

This is the door leading into the kid's room. It certainly is my magic kingdom when I need a reprieve from providing entertainment and activities. I LOVE reading and so do the kids. I seriously go into bliss overdrive when I go into a library...so many books, so little time, and the smell, ahh, the almost musty but comforting smell of settling in with a well loved book. It gives me such a thrill to see mine and Jon's passion for reading passing into the next generation. Caden especially will devour books. On library days, Ella and Danali play while he and I each pick a spot on one of the couches or find one of the bean bags spread around the kids room and curl up for reading time.

We are a family of nerds and I don't mind owning that.

After Jon got off work we decided to check out the family fun center here on base, scratch that, they call it post. Whatever, but people love correcting me about it. Anyway, the family fun center has a downstairs area with a kids play gym, arcade style games, and LASER TAG! Jon and Caden were thrilled by this discovery. We decided to gear up and fight a light beam battle in a pretty sophisticated laser tag arena against another family and some random off duty soldiers who split themselves amongst the family groupings. At first Ella and Danali joined the fray but after the section we were in pretend blew up and the lights started flashing, the jackets started buzzing, and the sirens started blaring they were DONE. The director of the fun center took them out and offered to look after them while we finished our 20 min round. I told Ella to just play on the play gym with her sister and that we would do games and stuff when we were done. So after we emerged as the victorious blue team (woot woot-we were really working hard at it-can you tell by the flush of my face?) I was surprised to see Ella playing one of the arcade games. I thought at first that maybe the director had given her money to play a game until I noticed my purse at her feet and the 50 credits she had yet to play on the game!! I asked her where she got the money for the game and with a deer in the head lights look she spun around and said, "mom I only took three moneys from your wallet!". Yup, just three moneys, two Andrew Jacksons and one Alexander Hamilton. She had fed $50 into the LAMEST arcade game but boy was she proud of all the little trinkets she'd won. And boy was she mad when I made her give them all away to the other kids in room who didn't steal from their mom's wallet.

On a little side note, we explained to her what stealing was (being disrespectful of other's property isn't new territory with my sweet little Bella but I wanted her to understand the concept and consequence of stealing) and tried to impress upon her that she should be upset about doing something wrong, not the loss of some jelly bracelets and gum ball machine toys, but her heartache was all about losing her bling. She had a right little fit that lasted the entire 45 mins it took to play out the 50 credits on her machine and continued in the car on the way home. I told her to take a breath, a drink of water, whatever she needed to do to get her self under control or we would have to pull over and she would have to sit out side until she was done sobbing. I was seriously close to losing it by this point. I had kept myself in check and tried to use the experience as a teaching moment, tried to calm her down so she would understand her punishment, but the loss of $50 bucks and then the tantrum of my 5 year old because I made her give away her ill gotten gains was almost too much. In step my almost 8 year old peacemaker, Caden. Man is he a great kid. Out of all the little toys that came tumbling out of that machine Caden only wanted to keep these three little dinosaurs. For some reason he really loved them so it kind of made up for the fact that Ella's little sticky fingers robbed him of playing any of the arcade games he wanted to play (because we were out of money!) or win any of the prizes that he had originally coveted. Anyway, she was balling and wailing about wanting her stuff back and Caden says, "Ella, you can have one of my dinosaurs". Not only that, but he let her pick which one, and she picked his favorite, and even though he had been super annoyed with her only a half hour before he gave it to her so she wouldn't be empty handed. Her tears dried up immediately and they set to playing dinosaurs in the back of the van. I don't know if the stealing lesson sank in for Ella, but the mercy lesson from my son will forever be with me.

Alaska Adventure Day 4

2011-06-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

We've settled into our routine. I get up and drive Jon to work at 7:20am, come home and sleep until 8:30am, then rush the kids down stairs for the hotel's continental breakfast before they close it down at 9am. I could feed them in the microscopic kitchen in our room but if I can start off the day not mopping up split milk or sweeping up crunched Cherrios, I'll take it. After breakfast we clean up the room, get dressed and set off for the library or park. At 11:30am we go have lunch with Jon then back here for naps by 1. While the girls sleep Caden does some school time then enjoys having some quiet time with his straws or a movie. I love the two hours where the kids are occupied and I have sweet freedom to run errands or read a book. If I was home there would be a to do list a mile long that I would either ignore while paying the price of guilt, or plug away at it while longing for time with a book. My two hours a day of vacation. We pick Jon up at 5 and have dinner then set off for our evening activity. Today it was glow in the dark mini golf. This place was cool.

It was a jungle themed room with all these animals and murals lit by black lights. The balls glowed, the clubs glowed, our teeth even glowed. They gave us glow in the dark braclets so it was an immediate hit with Ella.

Caden got a hole in one on the last hole. He was standing on the green and when the ball went in all these sirens and bells went off and he went FLYING out the door. No joke, the kid jumped a foot in the air, spun around, and was gone. It was HILARIOUS!! If you know my son at all, you know that he does not like loud noises so the volume mixed with the surprise of it had him moving like he's never moved before. He was encouraged back in the room by the promise of a "hole in one" prize -the flashing green button on his shirt. Ella was bummed that she didn't get a prize so we celebrated "a game well played" for all with a stop at McDonald's for soft serve on the way home. The kids are already asking when we can go back but Caden always adds, "but I'm SO NOT going to get another hole in one next time".

Alaska Adventure Day 3

2011-06-29T23:42:00.000-07:00

This is the Army hospital on Ft. Wainwright where Jon is working for this 6 week stint. We joined him for lunch on day number three. It still makes me smile to see him in uniform. :) We spent the day exploring the base and making up an itinerary of all the things we wanted to do while here. This base has some of the best play grounds I've ever seen so checking them all out went on the top of the kid's list. We found the library, swimming pool, children's play center, and PX. I was spent after all that exploring so decided that dinner out was called for. We ate at a Mexican restaurant called, Tapatillas. IT WAS GOOD.

Bought Caden this sling shot, may not have been my best move but boy does he love it. The kids spent the majority of dinner wadding up and shooting their napkins at one another. He's a pretty good shot!

Kind of proud that we got all six of us in this shot. Thank you iPhone camera.

Senor Tapatilla I presume.

We ended off the day utilizing our amazing babysitter. I took Jon on a date to see "The Green Lantern" (his Father's Day request) and Ally put the kids to bed. Bringing her was the BEST decision!

Alaska Adventures Day #2

2011-06-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

Day two was also Father's Day. My little Ella got up before everyone else and made Jon breakfast in bed. She poured a nice big bowl of fruity pebbles with a side of Diet Mt. Dew. It was so sweet because no one encouraged her to do it and I didn't even remind her right before bed that it was Father's Day the next day.

Soon we were all in bed and just enjoying being a family together again. Thats the thing about kids, they drive you nuts half the time and are melting your heart the other half.

June 19th also happened to be a big celebration called "The Midnight Sun Festival". We headed to downtown Fairbanks where there were games, food venders, music, entertainment and to Ella's great delight, pony rides. She is simply fearless with animals. She went right up to one of the larger ponies and made friends but when it came to riding time she wanted the big horse, Typhoon.

Our little cowgirl. She is such a joyful spirit with so littler inhibition. She talked to the trainers and wanted to know every aspect of horse care and their personalities. Then she helped talk to a little girl in in line who wasn't so sure about getting on the back of an animal three times her size. Ella encouraged and walked next to her for most of her ride. When we got to the live music she just started dancing and spinning around although every one else was enjoying the music from their seats. Well, who can blame her with a 60's cover band belting out "Mustang Sally"? I will forever have this picture of her running to the middle of the crowd and just losing herself in the music with a big puff of blue cotton candy in one hand.

Caden wasn't interested in riding the ponies. He was the horse whisperer. There were these two one month old ponies just wondering free in the park area where the horse rides were. No fences or harnesses, just walking around but very skittish. Kids kept trying to get close enough to touch them but the ponies would run whenever they got near. Caden has this very zen vibe about him. He was quiet and slowly walked behind them for at least a half hour and eventually they were comfortable enough with him to let him get right next to them. Seriously everyone just kind of stayed back and marveled that the ponies let him stand with them and walk with them.

After pony rides and too much junk food the next obvious activity was hitting the bounce house, bounce obstacle course, and getting into an inflatable arena where you pad up and fling an inflatable mace at one another trying to knock your opponent off their inflatable pillars. Jon and the kids + Ally did this activity. There would be more pictures of it but Danali kept trying to crawl up the exit of the bounce house when my back was turned. Look at the air she's getting. She was thrilled!

Ally was fearless at climbing the rock wall. Scaled right up to the top.

What a fantastic day.

Alaska or BUST!

2011-06-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago the Army decided that they needed Jon in Ft. Wainwright in Fairbanks Alaska for 6 weeks. They gave him this news while he was in the middle of his 3 months away in Texas and he passed it along to me while I was trying to make Easter special for the kids when really I just wanted to mope from missing him. Needless to say I was UNTHRILLED. Okay, that's not a word, but it applies. He suggested we join him for part of the time he's away (really just to try to make me feel better on the close of ANOTHER holiday spent apart) and after talking to a friend who spent some time in fairbanks we decided to head north for 3 1/2 weeks. I was looking forward to exploring new territory but I was not excited about flying with three children alone or entertaining them all day while Jon was at work so we enlisted our 12 year old neighbor and baby sitter extrodinaire, Ally, to come with us and thankfully it worked out for their family too.

Danali was very proud of herself for figuring out the seat belt. She latched and unlatched it repeatedly for the first 20 minutes of the flight and after making friends with the guy next to us tried to do his seatbelt too.

She was equally thrilled with the air and dinging of the seatbelt sign above her.

About an hour into the 3 1/2 hour flight she was simply spent. Caden and Ella enjoyed complimentary DVD players and backpacks full of snacks until about 11pm when Caden finally decided to conk out.

So we begin 3 1/2 weeks of exploring our surroundings, enjoying new adventures, and making the most of each day...either that or we begin 3 1/2 weeks of stepping all over each other as we cram 6 people into a one bedroom hotel suite, pulling our hair out as we try to keep three children entertained in a place where they don't have any friends and the weather is totally unpredictable. Come what may as long as we're together.

Alaska Adventure Day 1

2011-06-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

We got up on day one ready to begin what Caden refers to as, "our big Alaska Adventure". He is the king of catch phrases and one liners. I am the queen of sleeping in the car on road trips but I couldn't put my camera down long enough to nod off. The scenery from Anchorage to Fairbanks (about a 7 hour trip) was breathtaking.

You really do feel like you are at the top of the world here. You know when you look out over an expanse of sky and it seems like it goes on forever in a continuous blue plane? Here the clouds bend towards the earth, like you're in a snow globe.

This was taken at 8 pm. We are in the summer of no night here. I think they get like 101 days of daylight.

And this is just some weird building we saw along the side of the road.

We stopped for a picnic lunch and this was our view...which we enjoyed from the van. There were mosquitoes EVERYWHERE and wasps. It was like we were in a horror movie. They surrounded us and kept flinging themselves against the windshield and windows making little pings with their fat little bodies, bloated on the blood from other sight seers.

The kids did great on the car trip but we were really happy to finally arrive at our hotel. Caden looked around, tossed his bag on the floor and declared, "yup, this'll do".

Family Photos

2011-06-06T03:05:00.000-07:00

I have a computer full of family photos, other people's families. My last family photo was taken several years ago and doesn't even include our best looking family member (you gotta admit, all those baby curls pushes Danali just over the edge of being too stinkin cute). I don't know if it's because I become a total nightmare when family photo time rolls around, or if being photographed is especially difficult because I'm a photographer, but whatever the reason, it has been way too long and has been a thorn in my side. FINALLY we have some family photos (thank you Alexys J Photography) and I am thrilled! Now I'm in a wall display quandary. Frames or stand out mounts? Living room or family room? Size, feel, and texture of the display....I have almost as much anxiety about how and where to place the photos as I did about about everyone's hair and clothing on shoot day. Oh, well, at least I will rest well tonight knowing they exist.

Things that make sense to adults but seem so unnatural to children......

2011-03-27T02:18:00.000-07:00

Ella, "Mom, where did Smidgen come from?"
Mom, "um, what do you mean?"
Ella, "Did Smidgen have a mom?"
Mom,"Yeah, he had a mom but he doesn't remember her. He only knows us as his family."
Caden getting in on the action, "But where is his mom now?"
Mom, "She is with her family."
Caden, "But Smidgen is her family too. A mom is always a mom you know."
Ella, as she coos and croons over the sleeping dog,"Poor Smigy, he misses his mom."
Caden, "Where is his mom's family? We can just call them and then Smidgen can see his mom again."
Mom, "I don't know where they are, I don't even remember the family's name. But guys Smidgen is happy with us as his family. Really, he wouldn't even know who his mom is even if he saw her."
Caden, "You don't even know where his mom is?! Great mom, now you can't even call them because you don't know their name."
Ella, "Caden what are we going to do now?"
Caden, "I don't know but good thing we have 3 weeks off from school so we can figure something out."*note- spring break is 1 week NOT 3. I think that he thinks that if he says 3 weeks often enough it will become fact.
Ella, "I'm going to try to cheer him up. I'll write him a card."
Caden, "Good one Ella. I'm gonna hit the net."
Yup, he said, "hit the net" and then went to the computer, exiting like a super hero.
What resulted was a dog that didn't get a moment's peace all day. Ella decided to put stickers and ribbons on him to "cheer him up" as well as drag him into closets, the laundry room, her bedroom, any room really where she could close a door trapping him so she could serenade her audience of one with made up song after made up song. Caden kept snatching him away from Ella and dragging him to the computer so he could hoist him up to the screen and say, "does that look like your mom boy?" When the dog seemed uninterested in any of the images on the screen Caden said, "I know she has to be here somewhere!" He seemed to have it in his head that every dog on the planet could be found when "Dog" is typed in the image search on Yahoo. He may be right. There WHERE a lot of photos of dogs.
Poor Smidgen. The kids stressed him out so much with their constant attention that he escaped to the yard where he got filthy digging several holes, got yelled at by his "mom" for digging several holes, then got an unappreciated bath. Sorry, furry one, here's hoping they fixate on something else tomorrow. But I warn you, if you come sauntering up to the back door a filthy mess after digging any portion of my yard, I WILL suggest to them that you look like you need a little cheering up.

Daddy at a Glance....

2011-03-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

*Laughs the loudest at his own jokes.
*Is the most playful dad I've ever seen...will play legos, will jump on trampoline, will finger paint, will wrestle and sword fight, and will do most anything that makes his kids smile.
*Says things like, "shazzbot!" and "Dog gone it!" and "Freakin!" in place of swear words.
*Looks forward to watching all the animated new releases almost as much (and often more than) our children.
*Kept a special note I wrote him in his wallet for over a year until it crumbled to tatters of paper.
*Is absolutely addicted to Diet Mt. Dew
*Has an aspiring gourmet chef as a wife but would choose KFC or Pizza Hut to grace his table most nights.
*Reads the kids bedtime stories every night until they are nice and drowsy and then grabs them in a bear hug and rolls around the bed while he chants, "I am the squishinator!"
*Is my best friend and favorite person in the world.

Mama at a glance....

2011-03-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

* I start my day off with a cold caffeinated soda and am perpetually dehydrated.
* I administer Children's Tylenol willy nilly to crying children.
* I rarely arrive anywhere on time.
* I sing constantly although I don't know all the words to any song.
* I love sleeping in the car. Car ride of 30 mins or more and I leave the house with my pillow under my arm. It is bliss to doze off in the car while a stream of sunshine warms my face...man do I wish I was in a car right now.
*At 33, I am just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm not any thinner, not any more stylish, my hair style hasn't changed much in the last decade, and on a fancy day I spend more than 10 minutes applying my make up, but some how I feel more confident looking in the mirror with each passing year.
*I watch trashy TV on Hulu while I unload the dishwasher.
*I am currently reaching for more Tylenol as the dishwasher needs unloading and my fussy little one doesn't seem to want to take a nap.
*I love love love being a mom to my kids and I love love love leaving them for short bursts of time.
*Just spent two days of alone time with my hubby and realized mid morning that I missed him although we've only been apart a couple of hours.

Camping is supposed to be fun, right?

2011-02-22T02:40:00.000-08:00

I always thought that I was a smart consumer, and I really have been. It is a rare occasion that I buy clothes or shoes at full price, I stock up on the coupon items at Costco, and I love trolling Goodwill on 50% off day. I look for sales and read customer reviews before buying big ticket items and I know exactly where the clearance end caps are at all my favorite retailers. I have always been thrifty but I am realizing what a BIG consumer I have been. When I find something on clearance that I know will be useful in the future I stock up. For example, Target clearanced a bunch of shoes months ago and I bought the kids two pairs each even though they were several sizes too big. Who can pass up tennis shoes for $3.24? And when Chicken nuggets were $4 off at Costco I bought 5 bags reasoning out that although I was spending over $40 in the moment, I was saving $20 in the long run. On top of that, there are areas where I don't worry about being too thrifty and just indulge. I love shopping for the perfect baby shower, wedding shower, or birthday gift and when I find something that fits the bill, I can always find a way to justify the cost.

Jon and I really enjoy taking the kids on outings and day trips as well as a couple of vacations a year. We usually don't write up a very strict budget for these little breaks from the daily grind, but I try to keep things in balance by maybe splurging on an extra night at Great Wolf Lodge but bringing a cooler of food instead of eating out. Jon and I also like to go away together several times a year as well as go on dates several times a month. It seems reasonable because we aren't flying off to a five star resort in Hawaii, we wait until we find a great hotel/airfare combo in Vegas and instead of gambling we take in a show and as many buffets as possible. And our date nights aren't spent in fancy restaurants or going to expensive concerts, they are usually dinner at Azteca and a movie, or even just getting Cold Stone and then perusing the travel section at Barnes and Noble. Granted, we have to pay a baby sitter and the final tally on the evening is always around $50 but can you really put a price on strengthening a marriage?

It wasn't always comfortable. We worked really hard for the first 5 years of our marriage to get to where we're at. We ate a lot of top roman, spent all school holidays scrounging for overtime, made gifts for one another, rationed out gas so that we could splurge on Subway Sandwiches for a picnic date, and our big vacations always included finding the cheapest hotel along the Washington Coast. When we graduated and started making a professional income it was really fun to live a grown up life style. So that is what we've done for the last 7 years, not lived extravagantly or lavishly, just comfortably.

Oh, how I miss you fiscal years 2003-2010. We are now living on a military paycheck and boy oh boy, is it a financial adjustment. Let me just note that I totally supported and still do support Jon's decision to leave the rat race of retail pharmacy management. It was lucrative but soul crushing for him. The military is paying off our all our $88K in student loans and he is loving the versatility of being a medical services officer in the military. It was a prayerful decision and I know that it was the right one for our family.

With that being said, I did the budget last night and my little bubble of comfort is no more. Instead of feeling like I'm hanging out in my favorite pair of yoga pants I am now feeling like I am wearing a bone girdle under an unforgiving holiday dress. Try taking a deep breath in a dress like that! Nope, definitely not comfortable.
I am going to need to be so much more than a smart consumer to make this work. I am entering the waters of needing to be down right frugal. So I have been thinking of ways to reduce, simplify, and consume so much less. IT IS AN ADJUSTMENT! But the funny thing is, I am kind of looking forward to the challenge. Its like going camping. You work hard to have a home where there is heat and light, a stove in your kitchen, and a working toilet in your hall but every so often you long to just get back to basics. You head off into the woods and construct yourself a shelter from the elements, bring heat and light to your space with fire, cook your food over the flames you created, and dig yourself a latrine. And somehow there is great pride in doing it because the thing is done by the sweat of your brow and your own cunning. That is how I feel about this new financial age, like I'm going on a financial camping trip.

Already, I'm re-evaluating what things in my life are more luxuries than necessity. Paper towels for example. Really what do I need paper towels for? We can wipe our fingers on those square napkins that come like 500 to a package and I can clean my windows and mirrors with old newspaper. Done, just shaved $10.50 off the monthly budget. Next, laundry detergent. It is $13.99 for the kind we buy, but my cousin told me that she makes her own laundry soap and it comes out to like $1.50 for 100 loads and works great! But wait there's more! I am clipping coupons -saved $115 last shopping trip with discounts and coupons-, watching youtube videos on how to groom your own dog-BAM! just saved us the $42 I have been putting out in dog grooming every 6 weeks-and then there's toting all the kids old clothes to the consignment shop instead of Goodwill, selling their old toys on Craigslist (if your interested, I am getting ready to put up a HUGE lot of ZuZu pet stuff soon, mostly because they annoy the crap out of me-why in the world would a hamster moo and who was the genius who decided they wouldn't have an off switch-and because the kids just don't play with them anymore), making my family homemade Valentine's sweets instead of buying them gifts, finding all the free family fun things to do and coming up with my some of my own, and I'm trolling through blogs on how people find ways to be thrifty and frugal in their lives (if you have any leads let me know).
So I have about 18 months of getting back to basics before things become comfortable again and although I am a little daunted by the task, I think that it will be really good for me and for my family. Already I feel such empowerment every time I can say, "I really don't need that" and walk away not even really wanting it. It is amazing how much mindless shopping I did and how much of what I bought wasn't needed or even wanted until I saw it on a clearance end cap. I am going to have to change my thinking and my habits and I'm sure there will be an adjustment period with some painful moments when I just want the "camping trip" to end so I can get back to the luxuries of life before, but I am also sure that there will be a lot of growth and that if I'm mindful, this period in our lives can have a lasting impact on all 5 of us.

Work smarter not harder...

2011-01-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

If any of you have a flat top stove you know the torture it is to clean it. I have invested in all the special cleanser, the scratching pads, tried baking soda paste, and in the end I just have to scrub and scrub and it never really comes out looking sparkling fresh...until today. Last night a large quantity of starchy water boiled over while making mashed potatoes. I used the special flat top cleaner with the little scrubbing pad and still it looked like this. Annoyed I trolled the internet looking for options and found one lady who suggested using oven cleaner.

Following her tips, I sprayed the oven cleaner all over the surface of the stove turned the burners all to low for about 5 minutes and then waited for the cook top to cool.

All I had to do was wipe the flat top clean. I did a little scrubbing with the scratching end of my sponge but all in all it was very little effort. Voila! The flat top stove I remembered.

The Play Kitchen

2011-01-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get a play kitchen for my girls (almost 5 and 18 months) for Christmas but nothing I saw felt right. I wanted something that could be enjoyed by both of them for years to come but all the plastic kitchens were too small and seemed like they wouldn't stand up to much play abuse. I started looking up patterns for making your own play kitchen and came across the idea to refurbish an old entertainment unit. My favorite was at www.suttongrace.blogspot.com. So I started trolling good will and craigslist for the perfect entertainment unit and after a month of searching found this one for $40. It is really solid and the perfect size. There were doors on the front bottom but I in my excitement started taking it apart before I got the "before" picture. I started by ripping off the thin backing on the unit and replacing it with ply wood.

Then I cut the hole for the sink (which I purchased for $12-including faucet- at Habitat for Humanity) and started priming. After priming I painted every thing.

I reused the bottom doors but took off the magnetic latches and put them on the top so that the doors would open from the top like a dishwasher and oven. Then I cut out an opening on the oven front and spray painted both the "dishwasher" door and the "oven" door a metallic silver. After they dried I put on some old oven knobs using bolts and nuts so that they would turn then added a small towel bar (also purchased at HFH-I just spray painted the sink and the hardware to freshen them up). I bought a sheet of plexi glass at Lowe's and used a clear caulking to glue it in place on the oven door.

To out line the stove I painted a gray square then used electric tape to edge it in.

For the burners I bought a couple of plastic lids in the paint section at Lowe's and spray painted them black.

I really wanted something authentic for the elements and was thrilled to find a tangle of electrical chording at HFH. I coiled the chording and glued it to inside the lids with liquid nail.

Then glued the burners in place. I really love how they turned out.

The fridge gave me issues. I couldn't figure out how to reuse the door that came on the original unit. It had glass on 3/4 of it and ran the full length, and I really didn't want a fridge that big. I wanted to leave some space for food storage. So I found this cupboard door at HFH and it was just about a perfect fit. I bought some new hardware and spray painted it metallic silver too. *I primed the door then put 3 coats of this special, and expensive, magnetic paint on the door. Then I spray painted over it with the silver but it didn't cover very well so I went over it with some gray paint I had on hand. I don't know if that was too much paint but the door is so weakly magnetic that it won't hold a magnet. It was also really cold in the garage even with the heater running so that may have effected it but annoyed it didn't work out.

The unit was really tall so I put in a shelf (under the curtain) and attached a kid's microwave to it. I also thought that it would be fun to put in a window over the kitchen sink and loved this frame with plexiglass in it I found for $2.00 at HFH. The side of the unit had a DVD storage area covered by a door. I took the door off and painted the shelves and call this area the pantry.

This is what it looked like at 3am Christmas morning.

I didn't have time to finish a few things but since then have added under counter lighting, sewed the curtains, and found a cute metal door hanger in my Spring decorations in my garage and turned the picture frame into a shadow box.

After buying the unit, the paint, the hardware, the plywood backing, the door, the lighting, the material for the curtain, the project ended up costing about $125 (still annoyed about paying $20 for the magnetic paint). I really loved the way it came out though and the kids love it too.

Focus and Strength

2011-01-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

I love this time of year. I love that the year sets this time aside for reflection and evaluation; a time to see where your life has been and where you want it to be and then try to bridge the gap. Its like spring cleaning for your soul. Get rid of the cobwebs, look into the dark forgotten corners, figure out how to reconfigure things so that you feel like you are at least moving in the direction of living the life you want to live, and being the person you want to be, the person you are in your best moments. I think that often we get so busy with the business of managing our incredibly full lives that half the time we aren't really present to what we're doing, we go on auto pilot and kind of turn ourselves off. We forget to focus on the really important things, the things that shape who we are and how we affect the world around us. At least that is what I'm finding on reflecting over many of the last 365 days. They are a blur. There are little moments that stand out, ones that fill me with peaceful pride at the wife, mother, friend, and women that I was, but there are others that stand out because they make me so sad at the wife, mother, friends, and women I was.

My response to it is to take stock. Take responsibility for allowing myself to participate in mindless living, own all the moments where my priorities were askew, feel the weight of pain that I've caused, feelings I've hurt, people I've neglected and lessons I've been too stubborn to learn. It is also a time to appreciate how unconditionally I love those around me, how I truly want to be a source of kindness and warmth. A time to acknowledge how I have been the nurturer, the soft place to land for so many. It is a space to respect all the times I was selfless and to be proud of the moments where I felt I was my authentic self. And finally, it is a time to feel and then release the pain of all the times when I wasn't who I know I am meant to be, when I let weakness, fear, insecurity, and selfishness dictate my behavior and then find a way to be better.

So I write resolutions. Really only two this year; focus and strength. I feel like I am swirling and I know I'm missing the big picture half the time but I can't seem to find enough inner focus to be different or the strength to make changes. I want to look inward and be secure in my own divinity and self worth. I want to see that my thoughts, my feelings, and my heart are completely focused on that which will bring me closer to living a life of purpose, a life of integrity, a life that maximizes my potential. And then I want to look outward and see that my life is a reflection of those things. See, I figure once I work out how to calm everything down inside of me and find my focus it will take incredible mental, emotional, and physical strength to realign my life in the ways that its gotten off course. Really all I think most of us need is a realignment, not a complete course change.

So I start the spring cleaning of my life. I am energized by the idea of starting fresh. I am empowered by the idea that my life, that all our lives, can be what we want them to be. We are the most powerful forces in shaping our time on this earth, and that time is in limited supply. Each day is numbered as one less we have here. One less day to grow, one less day to make a difference. I want to make each one count, maximize the energy I spend. I am looking forward to casting off the heaviness of the things that have caused me pain or fear or insecurity or shame this last year. I don't know how yet, but I'm working on it, because I don't think I can focus on moving forward until I let go of the past. It saps my strength and traps my thoughts and heart in an unproductive place. Fresh. Light. Focus. Strength. Welcome 2011.

A Quick Review Jan-Jun 2010

2011-01-03T01:23:00.000-08:00

January:

My aunt who is super crafty and creative introduced us to rock painting. We loved it so much that we bought our own supplies and spent much of the month looking for odd or unique shaped rocks and turning them into mice, dinosaurs, hamburgers, or what ever the rocked seemed to want to be. Everyone got really into it. We had friends, family, and neighbors over for rock painting parties.

February:

I LOVE valentines day. Not for the floo floo over done chocolate and roses part of it, but just for the hearts, the doing something nice for those that you love, the red and pinks, and the opportunity to have something special in the middle of a dark and usually wet Washington month. We always have a Valentine's meal, the kids hand out the cards they make for their parents, grandparents, and each other, they get little gifts and decorate heart shaped cookies.

March:

This is a special month because we celebrate Ella's birthday! She turned 4 in 2010 and wanted a Dora/Princess/Music/Diego party. It was an interesting combo. We did kind of a jungle/monkey theme, she dressed like a princess, we did a conga line, and parachute with balloons, and had the kids pick the activities from Dora/Diego backpacks. I think we got everything she wanted in there. Here's hoping we can convince her to embrace ONE theme in a couple of months. :)

We celebrated St. Patrick's Day at Great Wolf. We were there three days and Jon's Dad joined us for one of the days and on the last day my brother Adam brought up our little Danali. We had fun in the craft center, and the kids and Dad LOVED Magi-Quest (I loved the precious hours of alone time), the water park was amazing, we had such a wonderful time that it was tears and sadness from Caden when it was time to go.

Another fun March event was a concert I went to with my friend Monica. It was hosted by a wonderful couple who are devoted to promoting up and coming artists and creating an intimate yet thriving music scene here on the peninsula. This band was called the "Make Peace Brothers" and they are great. Look them up on youtube and you will see what I mean. It started out as a concert, turned into a dance party, then into the ultimate limbo show down. It was such a great evening.

April:

We took the kids to an Easter egg hunt in Belfair. It was too funny watching Ella's group rifle through the straw looking for eggs. She was unstoppable and won the competition in her age group for finding the most eggs. I shouldn't have been surprised that she found egg after egg no matter how cleverly hidden they were because she is the first one we call upon when we can't find something at home. She was really uncertain about getting her award basket from the guy in the bunny costume, but with Daddy by her side she claimed her reward. Bolstered by Ella's win, Caden went tearing onto the field when his age group came around. Unfortunately he was distracted by the shear joy of diving through piles of hay, throwing the the hay, and flopping around in the hay. He didn't win for finding the most amount of eggs and was so disappointed that we had him "win" which ever baked good he wanted from the bake sale table. Every one was smiling when we left.

April was also the month that we started in on a bunch of remodeling projects. We got a new refrigerator and vanity for the bathroom as well as a sink and new stove all of which came in large boxes. So we decided to put the boxes to good use and created "Box City". We taped all the boxes together and the kids decorated it with tissue paper, glitter glue, and markers. It stayed up all of spring break and beyond and every kid that passed through our door put their mark on it. After almost two weeks it was a time to take it down, sad day for our little ones. I found half of all their toys in there, remnants of snacks, blankets, pillows, and all sorts of treasures. It stands to this day one of their most favorite "toys".

May:

My heart breaks to say this, but because of the robbery, I don't have any photos from May of last year. It know it was a full month because I pulled out my 2010 calendar and every square has something written on it. I started off the month with a trip to Utah to be there when my dear friend Alexys had her baby girl. Being there for that event was a wonderful gift. We also celebrated several birthdays including my mom's, we had a wonderful mother's day, and Jon and I had a great vacation to Las Vegas with Monica and Brian. Ella finished up her session of ballet and she was just beautiful (and I had taken the most adorable photos of her admiring herself in the ballet mirror every week) and so proud of the things she learned. She also had a field trip to Miss Barb's garden. This is an annual event at her preschool, one which Caden went on twice and this was Ella's second trip. Her nana and Despa came and she felt so special to have not only her mom chaperone but her grandparents as well. May was also the last month of Caden's tee ball season. I can't believe how much he improved from the beginning of the season to the end. He started off counting bugs and butterflies in the outfield to playing every position from first to catcher with some amount of skill.

June:
June was unseasonably warm which made it the perfect time for an outdoor party. It marked the beginning of summer break and we started what I think will be an annual tradition of throwing a laua party. With the help my good friends we had a fun with bubbles, water balloons, running obstacle courses in the sprinkler, and basically setting the tone for a fun active summer. It was also the beginning of a budding friendship between Danali and Danika. Danika is only a month older than Danali and they either adore each other or torture one another. I love watching these babies together. They crack me up every moment.

My friend Jackie and I took our kids to the Underwater Naval Museum. They had a fun time with water activities, making hats, getting their faces painted, and learning about submarines and boats. They had an area for kids to play with legos, lots of coloring stations, story time, and a host of other hands on activities for the kids. I love living on the peninsula. You never run out of educational, interactive, and entertaining activities for kids.

New Year's Resolution #1

2011-01-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

Since this summer I have waited for January to work on one important project...getting our family photos into photo albums. I have THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of photos all logged away in my computer but they are not being enjoyed by anyone until I print them and put them in albums. My friend is so diligent about getting her photos in albums right away and she and her kids love pour through the books reminiscing about events and fun little random moments of their lives they've captured. I want that for my family. I have to say, it is overwhelming to begin. Do I start current and work my way back? Or do I start with the 6 shoe box sized containers I have upstairs with countless photos printed and organized in them from 1998-2006 (the last time I vowed to get my photos in albums)? And as I'm looking through the files in the computer there are far too many to print so which ones make the cut?

I think what I'm going to do is start a 2011 album and print photos twice a month and get them in the current album. At the same time I will start albuming the plethora of photos waiting for me up stairs. That way I don't feel like I'm falling further and further behind as the year goes on.

So off I go, to make a dent in a project that has been looming for YEARS. I have been trolling Good Will for black leather photo albums (I have a vision of all the albums matching and looking so regal on my book shelf) and have gathered 3 so far. If you happen to see any black albums on sale or second hand please let me know. Also pass it along if you find a good deal on printing (note: I have printed at Walmart and Target and I wouldn't recommend using them. The color and print quality isn't very good).

A Dad and His Boy...

2010-10-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

July 2010:

Once upon a time there was a boy, a very grumpy boy, a boy who felt wronged by the world at large. When his mother asked him "why so glum", he hrrumphed and said he didn't want to talk about it. When his sister tried to make him laugh by singing silly songs he claimed that he needed to be alone and stomped outside. He sat alone upon a back yard swing and contemplated how very unfair life was and vowed the he would NOT let his foul mood go, no matter what.

Enter DAD.

Dad made his way to the boy's side and after a few moments in hushed conversation a change slowly settled over the angry little boy. He became less angry and more sad. It turns out that the little boy realized that he only had one week left with his dad and then they would be separated for three long months.

The boy was sad that his dad wouldn't be there to play with him all summer long, that he wouldn't be there to have adventures with him and wouldn't be there to teach him things that a boy should know before turning 7 by the summer's end.

I don't know what magic words the dad spoke, that is between a man and his boy, but I know that some how the boy felt less weighed down by life's circumstances and even found it in his little soul to smile.

The dad and the boy wasted not another minuet in sadness and instead got to the work of playing. First up was sword fighting.

Thrust, parry, swipe!

Next on the agenda was an adventure. What better adventure than to pretend to ascend into a magical land of the tree dwellers?

From this vantage point all problems and concerns seem miles away.

And finally the teaching of an essential 7 year old skill...the throwing of the spiky weed. Dad showed the little boy how to pick the perfect stem and remove the weapon from its sheath.

Then you take aim and flick the pod so that the very pointy end pokes into clothing and hair.

This is a skill that the little boy thought was simply wonderful and worked to perfect his precision marksmanship over the next several months (mom and sisters usually being the targets of choice).

It just goes to show, that sometimes, when life feels really tough, a boy just needs his dad.

and lets be honest...often times, a dad just needs his boy.

China Cup Party...

2010-10-13T00:13:00.000-07:00

June 2010:

Every 6 months my mom hosts what she calls a "China Cup Party". She sends out invitations inviting her grand daughters and the Anderson girls over for a themed afternoon of finery, decadent snacks served on china, and music fitting the event. The girls are encouraged to dress as fancy or casual as they want and to please RSVP in their own voice. Ella wanted a VERY fancy purple dress. She would not be swayed from this. Do you know how hard it is to find an ALL purple dress? We ended up buying a totally inappropriate prom dress in a women's size 2 and cutting the padded bra out and fixing the neck line so it would fit. Alas she was pleased with her outfit and ready for a very grown up party.

When the girls arrived the room was decked out in Indian tapestries and my mom let each girl choose a Sari to wear for the afternoon. She then gave a lesson on different spices and herbs and how they are valued and used through out history and at present.

Ella told me later that she learned that God made plants for the good of people and that they can be used for medicine and to smell good. I'm assuming that there was much more but as she is 4, that is as much as she retained.

At some point during the luncheon the girls each picked something out of a "treasure box"

a small trinket for them to take home.

They were also each given a special pair of indian slippers.

Beautiful Courtney all glammed up in her Sari

Lovely Ashlyn bedazzeled in layers of fabric direct from mom's trip to India a few years ago

Sweet little Baylee with golden hair all done up for the occation

And my little Ella, who could not be convinced under any form of bribery to cover up her purple frock. Side note, she was REALLY tired by the end of the party so she looks a little out of it. She was telling me about the party as her eyes drifted closed on the ride home.

I am so grateful for a mom who has always aspired to be a "teaching grandma". She brings culture and diversity to my children's lives in ways that really leaves an impact.

So this time it was India and the glory of herbs and spices and although she hasn't shared the topic of the next China Cup Party, she has already started planning and gathering the treasures that will be the keepsakes for these sweet girls.

The Halcyon Days of Summer...

2010-09-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to work in some back blogging in an effort to get caught up before the craziness of the holidays. It may become a bit jumbled going back and forth-sorry! Here are the happenings in our lives over the last couple of months...

When school got out I knew that there were long summer days with kids running crazy through my house and realized that I needed to come up with ways to entertain them which would take them out side as much as possible. We are so lucky to live in Silverdale because we are surrounded by parks and play grounds, rivers, lakes and even an ocean, so I figured we should utilized our resources. On this particular day some friends met up with us for lunch at a local park and lake. After eating and chatting we took the kids on a scavenger hunt. We made a list of random things you can find along a typical Washington trail, things like "find a pine cone larger than your hand and one smaller than your hand". We also put things on the list like "find a tree larger than your house". The kids did great and had a really good time completing all the tasks on the list.

The end of the scavenger hunt led us to the beach where my kids thought it was warm enough to put their feet in the water, you know, because the sun was out and the thermometer read over 65 degrees. Let me tell you something about my little ones, they LOVE water in NEARLY any form. They will run head long into a lake without looking back, a river provides fresh moving water which they think is boss, and don't even get them close to the ocean because they don't believe in hypothermia.

Pools are another story...Lets just say that their love of all things liquid most certainly does NOT apply to pools. Swim lessons this summer involved lots of tear, but that is another post...

By the end of this summer day - of nearly 67 degrees - the kids were soaked and sleepy and I was looking forward to planning out the days that followed. Boy do I LOVE summer break!

On a side note, this is one of Ella's favorite people, a girl who knows how to play dress up, who values the beauty of red shoes, and who has a spirit of adventure that takes her into a lake on a mildly warm day in her dress.

Mess maker, mess maker, make me a mess...

2010-09-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

MIss Danali has turned one and somewhere along the way she has become like this little tornado tearing through the house. I can't even be annoyed because she is so stinkin cute! She likes to be my big "helper". She unloads the dishes to floor if giventhe opportunity, she loves opening the art drawers and dumping the colored pencils, crayons, and construction paper all over, her delight is finding the DVD cabinet open so that she can re-organize all the shiny boxes so neatly lined there, and finally her greatest ambition is to see the pantry door open just a crack so that she can snake her little finger into the opening and make it wide enough to squeeze her body onto the bottom shelf where she is a champion of dumping out pasta, flour, rice and her personal favorite...sugar. It is so reminiscent of my Ella that really I'm not much phased by it. You would think that I would have gotten smarter and purchase more advanced baby proofing supplies but then how would she spend her days???

I haven't forgotten about you my little blog...

2010-09-03T01:04:00.000-07:00

So I have been neglectful of my little family blog. Honestly, I can't believe how long its been since my last post, but here we go. I am going to do a bunch of back posting so that it will all be here at the end of the year when I make a book.
I am starting working backwards...
August 15th marked mine and Jon's 12 year anniversary. We have known each other since I was 14 and have been best buddies for almost 14 years. He has been and still is the best friend I've ever had. He is my light. I find my greatest peace and strength in the circle of our marriage. As our marriage matures year after year, I realize that he and I, our relationship, is the thing that matters most in life and after. Everything and everyone comes and goes over the course of a life time, but your spouse is your partner, your companion. We help one another progress through this life. We grow together in the face of great challenges and delight in life's great joys. I love this man, scratch that, I cherish this man and the amazing husband and friend he has been to me for so many years.
I flew down to Texas to be with him for the weekend of our anniversary. I was only there a couple of days, but it was wonderful and so needed. We have never been a part for any length of time so not being together for two months was really hard and we knew that if we didn't break up the 12 weeks it would be nearly unbearable.
So we went shopping, explored the city, stayed in, and ate out ... a lot. Jon has been watching what he eats to make sure that he meets the height /weight requirement and I have been cooking for children for the last two months so we decided to really give our palates a treat. You can get some great Mexican food in Texas folks. We stayed in a beautiful hotel called the Westin in the picturesque River Walk area. This was our first night out...after we finally made it out of our hotel room ;) and we were so lucky to stumble into this great Mexican restaurant. The virgin Pina Colota I had still makes my mouth water. The restaurant was complete with a mariache band.

After dinner we walked around down town and just enjoyed the warm night and the activity of people and river boats, live music on the streets, the little shops selling all sorts of touristy goods, and there was even a big fountain that squirted water up in random intervals where kidswere playing even though it was past 10pm. The next day we went to brunch at a Brazilian place and it too was just sooo yummy. We had the whole restaurant to ourselves so I took out the lap top and showed Jon pictures and videos from all of our summer adventures up to that point. He got a little teary seeing pictures from Danali's first birthday and Caden's 7th. It was hard on him knowing how much he was missing with his family.

Jon was getting ready to go out into the field for three weeks and he had to get all his stuff ready to be loaded on the transport truck. When we went back to visit his barracks I found all his stuff laid out on his bed so I helped myself to the items that interested me. Can I tell you that the Kevlar helmet weighs a TON. I can't believe that they don't give soldiers headaches.

I did however find the many pockets and water canteen quite useful.

On the night of our anniversary we had dinner a beautiful restaurant that looks something like the Space Needle (which is where Jon purposed to me) only taller.

ooo...and I had the most amazing crab dish and a lobster bisque that was to die for.

We got there in time to watch an amazing sunset. It was so romantic to just snuggle up to my love and watch the horizon as it lit up with reds and oranges then fade into the beautiful deep blue of night.

It definitely was an anniversary dinner we will remember.

He also took me a movie at the most unique movie theater I have ever been to. You sit down and have a menu where you can order not only popcorn and nachos, but all kinds of diner type things. The waiter comes around during the movie to refill your drink or take orders. We stuck to popcorn and lemonade but knowing that I could have a Caesar Salad if my heart desired was kind of cool.

One of the things I have missed most about Jon is the little moments we share while we are getting ready for bed at night. I wash off my makeup, we take out our contacts, and brush our teeth, throw on a comfy pair of jammies, and snuggle in bed together all the while talking over our day, sharing the funny things the kids did or said, we talk about plans for the day ahead and basically just connect with one another.When I am aching for my Jon, this is what my heart longs for. Him, all tousled and simple and ready for bed. So I will say, good night my sweet. Only 3 1/2 weeks until we will be snuggled up together laughing about Danali following the dog around saying, "no no no no no doggie" and talking about needing to go to the bank and the post office. I can't wait.

Hair today, gone tomorrow (pun intended)...

2010-07-26T01:38:00.000-07:00

Today was a good full day. Enjoyed having the in laws over for lunch, loved watching a childhood friend baptize his daughter then going back to their house and hanging out with a big group of people who I have known my whole life, got the kids to bed w out any struggle, finished watching "Leap Year" then decided to check my e-mail. The first e-mail I opened was so unnerving that I don't think I will be getting to the rest tonight. My love sent a pic of himself sporting VERY short hair and I don't know if it was the lingering romanic feelings from the movie or seeing Jon in a shirt I didn't recognize, in a room that I have never seen, or realizing that he looks different then he did 2 weeks ago, but he has never felt so far away from me as he does right now. I feel homesick for him. Is that weird, to feel homesick for a person? I haven't seen or touched him in 2 weeks and it feels so unnatural. We have been lucky that we were able to communicate as much as we did this last week, texting as his schedule allowed, and talking when we are able to, but man, I MISS him. I enlarged his picture and just stared at it for a bit. Giving myself permission to cry a little now. I have been really disciplined so far. I don't let myself think to long about the fact that he is across the country, instead, I pretend that he is having a long day at work or is just gone for the weekend at a pharmacy convention. I don't allow myself to acknowledge that little ache of longing for him that hums about in the background of my days and nights and when the ache threatens to come to the fore front, I actively distract myself by being busy mentally and physically. But tonight, I am going to allow it, in fact, I am going to indulge it. I am going to let myself think of all the little things I miss about him; his laughter and playfulness filling our home, the way that he always treats me with kindness and is so quick with a compliment, the feeling of absolute peace that I find when I am held by him, but mostly, I am going to think about his hair. I am going to think about the way it stubbornly refuses to be parted anyway but one. I am going to remember the countless hours that I have spent idly running my finger through it as we watch TV or as we are laying to together talking. And just to really do myself in, I am going to go up stairs and bury my face in his pillow and hope that it still smells like him, because I love the way his head smells. Kind of mixture of his shampoo, styling products, and his own natural scent. So tonight I am going to cry and ache and long for my husband, I am going to be overwhelmed by the number of days that are stretched out in front of me until he comes home, and I am going to let every sadness wash over me, but in the morning, I am going to pretend, and get busy, and have another good full day.

It only takes one careless moment....

2010-07-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to write this blog post. It has been nagging at me all day to the point that I got out of bed at 12:24am to finally quiet that voice of persuasion in my head.

Today was like any other. There was a house full of children all running in and out playing in the water in the back yard, riding scooters in the front, sword fighting and wrestling around the play room, and me running around keeping everyone fed and entertained while keeping the house from looking like a tornado hit it. It was almost lunch time and I shooed the 5 older kids out of the house so that I could make lunch while feeding the baby. I put Danali in her high chair, fed her some yogurt, and got out the supplies to cut her up some strawberries, her favorite fruit of all time. The whole time she was eating I was bustling around the kitchen pulling out plates, drinks, food, and utensils and she was content to just chat away with me. After a bit though, she started getting frustrated that she could see the strawberries on the counter but I hadn't gotten around to cutting them up yet. Just as I was pulling my stool up in front of her to give her my full attention one of the kids called me out side to referee a dispute so I put a few gold fish crackers on her tray and off I went.

I was out back for several minuntes and didn't give Danali a second thought. I was having fun coming up with a game for the kids to play where they rip post it notes off one another-the post it notes had different symbols representing different super powers- to gather as many super powers as possible. I was loving hearing the powers the kids wanted represented and hearing them come up with the back story for the kingdom they were defending, what would happen to those who lost their powers, and how to figure out the supreme victor in the battle for all the magical powers in their land. It was only after I remembered the I had water boiling did I dash for the house.

When I came through the back door, I saw Nali laying face up on the floor in front of her high chair. Not making a sound, not moving, and really all I could see for one terrifying moment were her chubby little baby legs and feet. For one half of a heart beat I was frozen, afraid that if I continued into the kitchen my whole life would change. After that half a heart beat passed, I raced over to her, scooped her up, and realized immediately that she was choking. I flipped her over and thumped her back and a huge piece of strawberry popped out of her mouth.

When it came out she just fell against me, coughed a little, whimpered, but didn't even cry much. I kept trying to pull her away so that I could examine her, find where she was injured, make sure she was breathing okay, check her pupils, but she just buried her face in my neck and trembled a little.

I was trembling too. From the inside out. I left my baby alone in the kitchen and I didn't strap her into her high chair. At some point while I was out side, not even thinking about her, she must have crawled out of her chair and managed to get a strawberry off the counter and into her mouth before she fell to the floor. I didn't strap her in...how could I not have strapped her in? How could I have been so careless? I KNOW that she tries to climb on top of her tray every time she is in her high chair. I know better. How is it that I walked out of my house and forgot about my baby for several minutes while she was falling and choking? My blood runs cold every time I think about what could have happened, what would have happened if I had decided to make just one more post-it note.

I checked her over from head to toe and couldn't find any bumps or scrapes. Her eyes were dilating evenly and after I held her for quite a while, she seemed fine and ready to eat. I put her back in the high chair, strapped her in, and tried to unload the dishwasher through tears and with trembling hands. As soon as I had a moment I locked myself away in my bedroom and fell on my knees thanking Heavenly Father for the guardian angel who watched over my sweet daughter today. I will never forget that moment; the one where her baby legs lay unnaturally still upon the floor and my heart nearly stopped with terror for what might be. It makes me realize again how precariously life is balanced. We do our best, and when that isn't enough, the Lord steps in to make up for our weaknesses and in my case today, my carelessness. Like I said, today started off like any other but it is ending with me not taking for granted even one breath taken by these precious souls. I am also ending my day with a renewed determination to not let any distraction, any bout of laziness, or misplaced sense of invincibility keep me from taking all safety precautions with my children. So to all the mommas out there, be ever vigilant. Don't cut corners when your child's well being is at stake. And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting these cherished souls to me, I promise to do my best to return them to you in one piece.

Danali takes on the world...

2010-07-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

We went to Island Lake a couple of weeks ago.

Danali loved the trees, looking at the ducks, and watching her brother and sister charge into the lake...from her stroller. She seemed so enthusiastic about it that I thought maybe it was time to introduce her to sand.

It all started nicely enough. I put a towel down and she was all smiles. Curiously she reached out and touched the new substance beneath her...

....and she didn't like it...not one little bit.

"were you aware, dear mother, that this is NOT the soft springy green stuff that I am accustomed to crawling on when out of doors?"

When it became apparent that mom was going to be of no help at all she took a moment to contemplate her options....

....and being a women of action she decided to conquer the new terrain.

So she ventured out and found the the new substance did indeed have an end...

So she reached out and touched the new boarder and found it to be...

quite disdainful really...cold...not at all like the warm toy strewn porcelain haven that she associates with bodies of water larger than herself...

"Perhaps if I just stand up I will see around this most inconvenient obstacle??? Drat, damp course stuff as far as the 10 month old eye can see!"

If all else fails, eat it...that is fundamental baby logic. If you don't want it touching your hands or your feet you simply put it in your mouth.

"mmm...kind of a grainy texture, but all in all, not so bad. "

"I've crawled on you, stood on you, and eaten you...

that's right sand, I own you."

Summer's Finally Here!!

2010-06-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

We kicked off summer with our first annual Welcome Summer Party last week (we had one of these every year growing up and I wanted to continue the tradition in my family). The party's theme was "luau" and some where the tropical gods knew that we were celebrating because the day turned out beautiful. Sun was shining, children were rejecting my pulled pork and chicken salad sandwiches asking for PB&J instead (in time they will drool for my culinary skills!), luau music was playing, and of course, water games were in full swing.

We gave the kids bubble activities. I guess we should have specified that you blow bubbles OUT not inhale the solution through the pipe,

hilarious to watch...icky to taste.

The thing that cracked us up is that kid after kid made the same mistake. They sucked in then ran for the house gasping for water.

Amusing all around.

Next came the water gun fights. My husband was so kind as to make targets for the kids to shoot at, but, one kid "accidentally" squirts another, and you know how it ends.

The next activity was punch balls. Can I tell you how much I enjoy watching kids try to hit other kids with balloons only to hit themselves in the face because the balloon is attached to a rubber band?

This is the brave group waiting for the water balloons they saw getting filled up all day. I told them to line up while I explained from the back deck how to play the next game. Oh, the fun I had watching them scatter a few seconds later as I unleashed the bucket of balloons I had hidden next to me. The other kids were wise to my little plan and opted to stand next to me on the deck, they knew that you stay were the balloons are at all costs. In the end it was an all out balloon war which resulted in a lot of wet children eating their ice cream sundays out side. At that point, we figured that they were wet already so we might as well go all the way. I had them all go to the front yard and warned that dripping children were given a "no reentry" into the house but they were unfased. We set up an obstical course in the yard and they did that until it just dissolved into CJ (my little brother) spraying all the kids. They loved it. Everyone went home tired, wet, and so happy that summer is finally here.

Thanks for filling up like 150 water balloons mommies!

And thank you CJ for the 45 minuets you spend squirting a group of 15 screaming kids, to quote him, "that is every grown up's dream"!

you are God's tender mercy...

2010-06-14T23:31:00.000-07:00

First off, THANK YOU. I am deeply touched by the out pouring of love that I have received. Thank you for the e-mails, FB comments, and phone calls. Knowing that there is a network of people out there thinking about my family and sending us prayers or positive thoughts and words of encouragement is truly strengthening. I appreciate the advice and wise counsel that you've shared with me and it has given me a lot to think about. This blog and FB have been such a wonderful vehicle of connecting my life with the lives of people that I have known since I was a child but rarely see as well as keeping my current circle of friends in touch with one another's daily events. I love reading through people's blogs to see what is making their lives tick as well as sharing a bit of my life with those who want to bear witness to it. So thank you for being a part of this with me by reading my blog and sharing your thoughts and input as well offering glimpses into your lives through your blogs.

When my laptop was stolen it had almost two years worth of journaling saved on it. Since I got my new laptop last week, I have been sorting through e-mails, blog posts, snippets of feelings and thoughts I wrote and saved on my husbands computer, and our home computer all in the attempt to recreate what was lost. I am so grateful that I have this blog. It has photos and antidotes about the daily perils of motherhood and I have shared where my head and heart where along the way. The thing is, while going through the posts for journal recreation, I noticed that the last time I posted something about the family was almost two months ago. I also noticed that for every two post that are published, there is a post saved as a draft. I usually write something then think that it isn't really in line with the spirit of the blog or it is too personal and keep it to myself. So I am thinking about making two blogs. Keeping this as a place to document all the little adventures and moments of daily family life to be bound together at the end of the year (like a photo album with commentary) and doing another one that is more about how I am processing the world. Should I just keep everything together and censored for a family blog format or should I separate the Bartlett Family Blog from a blog that is more my rambling observations, attempts at learning life lessons, and just documenting my internal journey? Can the two go together, or are they too conflicting in purpose?

The really intimate feelings I have just can't be expressed properly in type. Those things go in my journal. There is something about the smell of the leather cover and the scratching of pen across thick parchment paper that adds weight to the words being written. Those words are personal and not open for public review. But I can sense a lot future blog posts that are written as I try to process what is going on around me and inside of me and sharing it makes me feel less alone as I go through it. I also get so much from the feed back I receive. I love it when someone says something that makes me go, hmmm, I hadn't though of it from that perspective before. Everything is really crazy in my life right now (on so many fronts) and that is reflected in how jumbled my thoughts and emotions are. Writing helps me sort it all out and really look at it so that I can figure out how to grow from it. And, maybe by sharing it with others, it will help them grow in some way too. I just don't want to overwhelm these blog followers with too many posts that are just -thoughts by Shama if they are just interested in reading a light hearted family blog. Just something I'm thinking about.

Who does THIS at 35???

2010-06-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

So Jon and I have a little announcement....

Jon is joining the ARMY

He is ready to be all he can be

I am completely serious. He leaves in about 4 weeks for officer training camp in San Antonio Texas and will be gone for almost 11 weeks. He is signing on for a three year commitment and will be stationed at Madigan on Fort Lewis base about and hour from our house. We have been researching this option for about two years now for a couple of reasons. 1-getting his Doctorates degree was really expensive and we have about $82K in student loan debt all of which the military will pay off during the three years he's in 2-Jon has wanted to be trained in clinical pharmacy for a while now but he would have to go back to school and do a residency and that just isn't an option for our family and 3-who isn't curious what Jon will look like with a military hair cut?

The recruiter has tried to get him to take different posts all over the United States but in the end we said that we didn't want to move (let me be honest, I didn't want to move) and that we would only join if they could make that happen. It didn't look like there was even the remotest possibility until two weeks ago when they called and said that the one post in the world we would be willing to accept had an opening.

So I am entering the land of the military wives. In over 12 years Jon and I haven't spent more than 4 days a part not to mention that he is an amazing involved father, so this is going to be tuff all around. I am still kind of adjusting. We are scrambling to put in a new security system, finishing putting up trim and base boards, clean out the garage, get the yard pruned, fertilized, and ready for summer, as well as shoring ourselves up emotionally to be separated. I have seen my friends do it. I have always admired their strength and their positive attitudes even when they spend months as a single parent. I guess I will learn if I am made of such stern stuff.

I could use some input on how and when to tell our 7 and 4 year old that daddy is going to be gone for a while as well as some coping strategies that you mom's who've been through it have used. As a parent I am open for input on how to keep this separation from being traumatic for the kids. Personally I need to know how you keep yourselves together when everything feels totally overwhelming. There has been a lot of upheaval and trauma in my personal life recently so this comes at at time when my emotional tank is running on low. Jon is my healing balm. Jon is my snuggle at the end of the day that reassures me that no matter what else is going on in our lives, in that moment, in that space, everything is just right. Where am I going to find peace like that when I don't have his arms to curl up in?

LOV*E

2010-06-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

For me there are two ways of loving others. The first is the general sort of, loving my fellow man, kind of love. You know, do no harm, lift up whenever you have the opportunity, seek to see the good in people, the golden rule type of love. There have been times in my life when I have been too self absorbed, too insecure, or too selfish to take the time to love those around me in this way. I have always been ashamed of those times; when I put someone down instead of building them up, when I have not gone out of my way even though I knew that the smallest effort on my part would mean so much to another. In those times I prayerfully ask forgiveness and try to live my life in harmony with the directive, “love one another as I have loved you”. This kind of love is the general mission statement for how I want to live my life. While not always easy, it doesn’t take an emotional toll.

The other kind of love, well that is much more personal and comes with a huge emotional price tag: unconditional love. To love without condition…that’s tough. That means that I am called to love even when the love isn’t returned. [That kinds of sucks] I am called to love even when the other person doesn’t do anything to deserve it. [Seems sort of unfair, don’t you think?] I am called to love even when the other person doesn’t want to be loved by me. [Why take the time?] I am called to love even when the other person is careless with my heart. [Couldn’t pick only those who can appreciate me…even a little??]I am called to love even during the times that I don’t like the other person. [Where’s the fun in that?] I am called to love even though it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. [There is no joy in being crushed by someone] I am called to love because it isn’t my love that I’m sharing, it is God’s. It is not of my creation. The power of loving someone no matter the cost, no matter the outcome, is divine. That is the lesson I learned today.

A new understanding..

2010-05-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was watching a show this week and one of the characters said, "Do you know what happens to a star when it burns out? It doesn't just stop shining, it turns into a black hole". It put into words something that I have struggled with for years. When I was a child there were a few things that I knew for sure. My parents loved me and I felt safe and secure in my world because of that knowledge. I knew them. I knew what their very souls felt like. I knew what they stood for, what they believed in, and what values they built our family upon. They were these bright shiny stars who lit and guided our lives. As I grew up I began to see them more as three dimensional beings, flawed but trying, and I was okay with that because I still recognized their light. But when I was a teenager, I was shattered. There were choices made that shocked me. There were deeds brought to light that had no place in the universe they created for me. Nothing made sense. Suddenly there was no order, no safety, no constants in this world for me. One parent tried to keep themselves in the orbit of values that had guided them through this life and tried to focus on an eternal trajectory but the other, well the other didn't. I watched and mourned as that parent's light got dimmer and dimmer until it not only went out, but turned into an enveloping darkness that made their very essence unrecognizable to me. They became a black hole. It haunted me. I pictured this beautiful, bright, pure soul, trapped and screaming for release from the blackness, but staying imprisoned until his mortal life ended.

In my adult life, I have witnessed from afar and walked closely with friends who's lives too have been shattered because someone they loved traded their light for darkness. Sometimes I have rejoiced becuase the loved on faught against the darkness and found their light again, but in other cases, the darkness won. In every instance though, I ask myself the same question, WHY? Most of the time the obvious answer is sin. They lost their moral compass and enveloped themselves in the darkness of sin and didn't know how to shake it off. I went to bed last night ruminating on how sin can not only destroy the light of the person committing it, but destroy everyone around them, like a black hole. And then I had a dream.
I dreamt that I was a little girl riding in the back seat of a car with my parents in the front. Everything was warm and light and I felt so safe in the knowledge that my parents would guide me home. Then I started dreaming about another little girl, one who's world is currently being torn apart. In my dream, we were in a field and she was crying that she didn't understand why her family wasn't a family anymore, and just sobbing that she wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I was holding her and explaining to her that one of her parents just forgot who they were. And she kept saying, "how could he forget, how could he forget"?? In my dream we were both children and in our innocence neither of us could understand how grown ups could forget a truth that is so simple and so complete: we are children of God and he loves us. We didn't understand how the adults in our lives could forget the feeling of being enveloped by His love, it would be like forgetting what it's like to have gravity hold you to the ground. We were both heart broken, not at the parent's actions, but by the loss of understanding. How could they forget their greatness? Their divinity? It was baffling that they didn't know the truth any longer and devastating that the loss of that knowledge would have eternal repercussions.
When I woke up, I was shaken with a new understanding. I always thought that sin created the blackness that tore apart my family, and so many other families, but it is just a symptom. The blackness comes from forgetting who you are. I have been pondering this all morning and I realized that anything that dims your light- anger, depression, hopelessness, fear, insecurity, uncertainty, feelings of worthlessness-all come from the same place, from that same lack of knowledge. We are loved. We are cherished. We are never forgotten, never abandoned. God placed within us His own divinity. Each of us radiate with our own unique gifts and talents. We can lift one another up. We can create life and love unconditionally. We have the strength within us to forgive, to have compassion, to provide hope for another. We have purpose. We have the capacity to learn and to grow and to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
We were created to shine.
Lord, please help me to hold the darkness at bay so that I can be the light that guides my family home. Please help me remember who I am at times when I feel weak and small. Please help me see the light in others and help them see it in themselves. Please help me be more than I am.
Pleae help me shine.

At what cost?

2010-04-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I was feeling like this:

And I wrote this in my journal:
The fl yer campaign is in full swing. I have several friends and neighbors ready to begin plastering every street post, every sign, and every community bulletin board with my "Wanted-The Name of a Ridgetop Thief" posters. I really don't know if it will net me a name but I don't think that is the point anymore. I just want to stand up and says, "NOT OK". I want to stand up and and say, "WE WONT TAKE IT ANYMORE". I want to stand up and say, "MY COMMUNITY IS MY SECURITY SYSTEM". And I think that there are a lot of people who need it too. I have gotten e-mails from other home owners in the area, good families that were victimized in one way or another, who also want to stand up but haven't known how. One guy had his car broken into and they took his wedding album. Who takes a wedding album?
If the only thing that comes from this is that we all feel a little more bonded as a community and empowered in our personal lives then it will be worth it. If the only thing that comes from this is to have it noted that we stood up, then it will be worth it.

And then the phone rang, and I felt this....

And I wrote this in my journal...

It isn't worth it.

I got an automated recording from Caden's school that he was absent. I walked him to the steps of the school and watched him climb them but didn't watch him go inside or even enter his class room. It was drizzling and I had the baby in my arms in jammies so I rushed off to get the girls home and Ella to preschool. I just kept thinking, what if something happened to him because of something I did? What if I made my family a target. What if FOMT was trying to send me a message? What if he was more evil then petty thug? The torment of those five minutes are not worth any thing. In the end they found him in the class room's reading nook. It was library day and he wanted a few more minuets with the book he had to return so when he saw that he had a substitute he hid himself away under a bean bag chair.

What am I doing? I keep thinking that I am trying to find the lesson, the silver lining, the growth from this experience, and if it isn't to find strength then I'm coming up blank. This can't just all be for nothing, can it? Jon doesn't get what a big deal this is to me, not really. I am suffering all the obvious pains of losing my business base, my family photos, my art, but there it is so much more. I grew up in a home that was never locked. We lived in Tacoma, yet still felt safe enough to have an open door policy. I wanted that for my family. I just always assumed that it was a given that we would raise our kids in an environment of security, an environment where locks and alarms are for other homes. On any given day of the week I come home to find an empty car in the driveway and a friend or family member in the kitchen. I love that my people feel connected and comfortable in my home. I love that they enjoy being here. I love that they feel safe here. I love that they feel accepted and welcomed here. Our home has been home to all just like the home that I grew up in. That is changed now. Our doors are now locked and the front window will soon boast an ADT sign. That is the home I live in now. That is the home that my kids will be raised in. One where everyone is locked out and the inhabitants only feel safe when locked in.

So I cancelled our catch a thief poster party, gathered my children to me, and silently apologized for not being strong enough to create the world I wanted for them.

That girl's got moxie...or she's crazy.

2010-04-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday Morning I was feeling this...Because late on Monday night I posted this on Craigslist (http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/wan/1700734850.html)
I WANT THE NAME OF A THIEF
My house was burglarized on Sunday April 18th between 10:30am and 12:30pm. The home is located off of Ridgetop BLVD next to Emerald Heights Elementary School. The main items taken were a Nikon D700 camera and a 17" Mac Book Pro lap top with the #5 key missing and slight dings on the out side. I am willing to pay $500 CASH to the FIRST person who comes forward with the name of the person who robbed me and $1000 CASH if you can get the lap top returned to me with the files in tact (all our family photos from the last year are on that laptop). No questions asked. Only good information will be compensated so don't waste my time or yours of you don't really have anything. You have a rare window of opportunity to make some fast cash. All identities will be kept anonymous.

And I wrote this in my journal Tuesday morning....

I am so tired. I hardly slept last night. I just feel so defeated and deflated and desperate and probably some other adjectives that start with "D" but I am too tired to come up with them. I am also a little scared. I may have done something stupid. I threatened the guys who robbed me and the guy trying to extort $1000 from me. I was so sure that I was going to get my laptop back, that I could just will it to happen, put forth my best effort, and it would work out. Its not going to happen. All day I was tense with this hum of impending action. That feeling you get right before you go on stage, or before you jump off the high dive. Scared, determined, and a little thrilled. I wanted to be the one who met up with FOMT. I wanted to look him in the face. I wanted the look in my eye to say to him, "I am not afraid of you. You have no power over me". I wanted to sit across from him and force confidence into my voice as I demanded to see my laptop. I wanted to will my hands to be steady as I checked my files and paid the fee. I wanted to walk away with out looking back even though I know that my legs would be shaking to the point of tripping and my body would be vibrating with nerves. I pictured myself trembling on the inside but feeling so proud of the way I didn't allow my actions to betray that on the outside. I wanted this show down. I needed this show down. Powerful women engage in show downs like this and its the only way that I can think of to keep from feeling so small in the world, so volnerable. I see myself fueling the need for action because I'm afraid that when I stop I will have to feel all of this. Really feel it. I'm just not ready for that now. I would rather feel threatened and a little terrified. Is that crazy?

In my need for action I called FOMT one last time....

FOMT: "Who da hell do you think you are? You wanna threaten me. 'Oh you got 90 mins you got 88 mins'. Lady you like a big ol' blond cartoon is what you are. You thinking you gonna do something. You watch one to many crime shows, thinking you a detective, like you got something.You gonna threaten me? You go head, turn my phone number in the police. This a prepaid cell lady, registered in Chicago and I down here in Portland. You gonna do what?

ME: "Placing the add made sense to me at the time and you weren't really giving me any options. You said you'd call back and you never did."

FOMT: "Who you think you are? You just a big ol' cartoon what you are. A big ol' blond cartoon. When a man don't call you back, he don't wanna talk to you."

ME: "Why don't you want to talk to me? I'm not trying to deceive you. Look, I just want my laptop back and I'm assuming that you still want money. Why are you making this so difficult and complicated"

FOMT: "Lady you da one that f***ed this up. What world you think you live in? There be fools getting shot every day and you go around threatening people. You think you something. You don't know you just a big o'l cartoon. I went to bed laughing at you last night, 'oh you got 90 minutes' and I gonna be laughing you today, 'I want my laptop back, I want my laptop back'. you ain't never getting this laptop back. I scrubbed it. It done. It gone."

ME: "Okay, maybe I am a big blond cartoon, but I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry that I'm not well versed in how to deal with criminals..."

****NOTE-FOMT is very rude. He talked over me all the time and the paragraphs I write are just peices of the conversation because he rarely stopped talking.
FOMT: "Oh, 'I am not well versed'! Who talk like you? Lady you not for real. People like you don't exists. You belong on the TV. Big ol' cartoon talking like 'not well versed' on TV".

ME: "If you called to just mock me and don't have the laptop then we don't need to talk anymore. But if you do have it and haven't scrubbed, it then I am still willing to work with you".

FOMT: "Lady, what world you live in?! I live in the real world. You live in a bubble. You think you some detective. You 'willin to work with me'? Yeah I gonna be laughing about you for a long time. You living in your little bubble world like a big ol' blond cartoon"

ME (talking over him because he would NOT stop expounding on how he knows the real world and I live in the bubble world-I know he didn't hear what I said, but I just wanted to have said it...): "I live in a world where I am adored by my husband and love my kids. I live in a world where I have great family, and friends, and a great community around me. You live in a world of pre paid cell phones, scrounging for a buck, and being afraid of the police. Will you still be laughing the next time you are pick pocketing a guy hoping to score $20? I'm offering you $1000. How many guys are you going to have to pick pocket to get that? That's your world."

FOMT: "I wouldn't give your laptop back for $1500, for $2000! You justa crazy ol' white women living in her bubble world. You don't know nothing. You don't have nothing. You gonna get nothing. I got your laptop and I gonna be laughing about it".

ME: "You are an idiot. I was serious about paying you and letting you walk away. Congrats on your new dented and used laptop with out the power cord. Enjoy shelling out $70 to replace it."

FOMT: "Lady, you not real. You crazy. You think you something when you justa cartoon to me. I have to go, my wife is calling me on the other line. I call you back."

ME: "I don't believe you. You didn't call back yesterday. I'll just hold".

FOMT: "WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE"?

Let me introduce myself; Crazy ol' White Women at your service. You may also know me as, Big ol' Blond Cartoon. Or perhaps you recognize me as that Lady who lives in a big bubble?

After the conversation ended I was ticked. I knew that negotiations were done. I knew that he had nothing to offer me. How does he not realize that if I was using all that time and energy and financial resources to get my property back that I would apply all the same components to get him? I know is sounds ridiculous, but I was offended that he scrubbed the laptop after I told him what it meant to me. Wait, I am just a cray ol' white women, so it makes sense that I would think a criminal would think more logically then to cut off his nose to spite his face.
I was feeling this:
So I posted this on FB:
I am having a "catch a thief" poster party starting tomorrow. I am going to make tons of brightly colored posters offering a hefty reward for the name of the person who robbed me and an even heftier reward for the return of my laptop with the files in tact. I want to plaster them all over the ridgetop area and could use some help over the next couple of days putting them up. Any volunteers??
Then I sent two texts to FOMT the first one said this:
"Thought you might like to pass this along to the person who robbed me and if that's you, then know that I will go broke to find you. My community will stand behind me. Thieves are not welcomed in our world so run back to what ever little whole you crawled out of and wonder how loyal your friends are when the price for your name gets high enough"
and the second was just the copy of the FB post.
I have to say that for several hours, I felt really good about what I was doing. I even started designing the signs and composing my next craigslist add. It felt good to know that I was going to DO something and not just sit back and let an injustice go unnoticed. You see I still believe that we have a lot of personal power to effect change in not only our own lives but in the world we create around us. There are so many more good people in the world. We just have to rise up together showing the bad that we won't be afraid. That they can't feed on us, one victim at at time. Yeah for a couple of really empowering hours I felt really good, and then the phone rang....

Feast or famine?

2010-04-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

On Monday night I was feeling this...And wrote this in my journal....
I am so frustrated! Every time my phone rings with a number that I don't recognize, I jump. I have waited all day for the friend of my thief, FOMT, to call back and he hasn't called. The last time we spoke he seemed spooked by the possibility of exposing himself but also hungry for the money. So I guess the question is, which of his natural instincts will direct his behavior, the primal fear of being caught or the hunger for the prize? Okay, Shama, so think for a minute. He is an animal just like the rest of us, so what would an animal do? If a mouse spends his days scrounging around for bits of stale bread would he run out in the open to nab a big piece of cheese knowing that a hawk may be circling high above? Fear or hunger? Jon said that he would stay in his hole, and i guess that is what FOMT has decided to do. Just like the mouse he darts forward a few feet towards the prize by calling me, but the fear of being crushed by the talons of justice keep him scampering down his little hole again. I have been dangling a big piece of cheese but if it is fear that is motivating his actions then I need to play into that instead of focusing on his hunger. How do I make him afraid enough to contact me? What leverage do I have?
Maybe if I make him feel that the risk to him is minimal he will come out?

So I posted this on Craigslist: (http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/wan/1698992813.html )
Your contact called me today. I am not interested in ambushing you or trapping you, I just want my stolen property back. I have a proposition for you. If you do indeed have the laptop and the files are intact then I want to do business with you. Think about this, you have stolen property. If you try to keep the laptop and use it as your own the IP address can be traced back to you. If you try to sell it you have to reveal yourself as a thief and hope that you don't get caught, and you would be lucky to make even $100 bucks. I am promising $1000 for the laptop. This is the only scenario that you come out even remotely ahead.
Okay so here is what I propose. You have a third party meet me at a public place, like a Starbucks or something. You can text or e-mail the location right before we meet so that you have some measure of comfort that I don't have time to set you up (and really do you think that the police have the time or the resources to launch a sting operation for a petty criminal-I don't think so). I will verify that the contents of the computer are intact and give your contact the money. I can only give you my word that I will not call the police, I will not follow you, I will not attempt to trace you in any way. I will not try to trick or deceive you. You know where I live. You know what my children look like. I would not risk their safety or my own over $1000. If you have someone bring the laptop, I will bring the money. I will not meet you if I feel the situation is unsafe or if you cannot provide me with the serial number of the laptop ahead of time so that I know that you actually have it. If you don't want any face to face interaction you can leave the laptop at a public location and I will check it out and then leave the money. Like I said, the threat of retaliation will keep me from trying to deceive or trick you in any way.
I am not some vigilante trying to bring you to justice. I am a mom trying to get back her family photos. The whole last year of our lives are on that computer, every birthday, every special event, every milestone was documented and stored on that laptop. I want them back so badly that I am even willing to do business with some stupid thug who has nothing better to do then rob good people while they attend church on sunny Sunday afternoons.
Like I said, this is your only option for any monetary gain. If you are uncomfortable with the scenario I came up with then you come up with something and as long as I feel my safety isn't in question, I will consider it.
Let’s do business.
By the way, I am not an idiot. So if you are just trying to scam me out of $1000 and have nothing to do with my stolen lap top, leave me alone. Don't waste your time or mine with games. But if you do have my laptop, then you have something I want, I have something you want. Let’s find a way to make a trade happen.

And then the phone rang (after I called and texted...a lot)....
FMOT: "Lady, why you keep calling me?"

ME: "Because I want to say something to you..."

FMOT: "I's seen what you you's has ta' say {I think that he is referring to the numerous texts I have sent} and i know you got the cops in it. I ain't stupid. You little ol' white women and you's say you gonna meet up with me? You think I'm real stupid"

ME: "Do you really think I would endanger my family for $1000? You know where we live. You know children's faces, their names. I wouldn't do that. I just want the laptop back. Why can't you see that I am just trying to get back our photos. I am not trying to trick you, I swear!"

FMOT: "Lady, it ain't gonna happen".

And then I wrote this in my journal...
Negociations have fallen a part. He won't do business with me. I texted a few minutes ago telling him that I am losing my patience. I don't think he cares. I KNOW that but I still wanted to say it. I told him that when he is scrounging to pick pocket some guy for $20 he will regret this. I am crossing over from trying to work with him to wanted to get him. I really was going to let him walk away from our meeting. I am on a mission to get that laptop back. If that isn't going to happen then my mission is changing to one of wanting to get a sense of justice back in my world.

So I posted this on Criagslist trying to appeal the thief who robbed me and to FOMT. Now before you judge please remember that I had not slept the night before and was VERY tired and just worn out and what followed really made sense to me at the time. (http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/wan/1700628371.html )
I am giving you 90 mins. By 10pm I want to hear from you or your contact person letting me know that we are going to make a trade some how. If I don't hear from you, the reward changes from $1000 for the return of the laptop to $1000 for your name. I will also hand over your "friend's" phone number to the police and let them know that you two are trying to extort me. This could all go south for you very quickly. I will plaster the neighborhood with reward signs offering cash for anyone willing to turn you in. Again, all I want is the return of my laptop. I am willing to pay you. If you are not willing to work with me then I am actively working against you. I am still willing to let it all go for the return of my property but only for about 88 mins longer. I am not joking. I refuse to let go of the images of my newborn daughter contained on that computer. I refuse to let go of the trip to Disney Land my family took last year. If you force my hand you will regret it. CONTACT ME. The offer is still $1000 for my laptop with all image files in tact. Let me know if we are doing business so I know if I am calling the sheriff tonight and stopping by kinkos for mass printing or if I have the return of my laptop to look forward to.

It did not go over very well. The next morning the phone rang....

Time to be our own super heros...

2010-04-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night I was feeling this-

"Thas' all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more!"

And wrote this in my journal-

I am angry! I am so outraged! I was laying in bed with Caden tonight and he said he was afraid. How dare someone make my little 6 year old afraid! I tried to reassure him and when I was done asked him if he was still afraid. He said, "maybe a little. Mommy, I know what we should do. We should call a super hero and he can catch the bad guys and he can protect us!" My son went to sleep dreaming about being protected in this world by a ficticious super hero. I'm his mom. Aren't I suppose to be his protector? Isn't it me who is suppose to sheild him from the harshness of the world around him? I have been crying and moping and feeling like a victim. That is not how a super hero behaves. So enough is enough. I am so NOT going to allow someone else make me feel weak and afraid. The thieves who broke into my home not only took my personal belongings, my memories, my business identity, the calendar of my life (really I don't know when any of our up coming doctor's appointments are I don't know when Ella has snack, when Caden has baseball games, when Jon has days off-I am lost), they took my family's sense of security. How dare they.

I want my laptop back! I refuse to accept that it is gone, taking with it so much of great value to me. There has got to be something I can do. I have to hope that something I do can make a difference, even if it doesn't, I would rather feel hope than sadness and defeat. I am a woman who fights for what is important to her, aren't I? I am a mom who her children can look up to as their defender from all things bad, aren't I? I think that I won't ever really move past this until I know that I did everything I could to get back what is ours.

So this is what I did:

I posted a reward on Craigslist (http://www.craigslist.com/kit/wan/1698992813.html slist.com/kit/wan/1698992813.html) that said this:

On Sunday April 18th our home was broken into and amongst other things my laptop was stolen. It was a Mac Book Pro and I want it back with the files in tact. This laptop has all of my family photos on it from the last 9 months of our lives. I am offering $1000 reward for the return of the laptop with the photography files in tact. If you stole the laptop then you have to know that no one is going to pay anywhere near $1000 for a used, banged up laptop with a missing #5 key. This is the best monetary offer you are going to get so take it while it is on the table. If you don't want to e-mail me then call and we will work something out for exchanging the laptop for the money. I am not trying to trick you or trap you, I just want my memories back.

And this is what happened next-

On Monday afternoon a man called me to discuss the laptop. He said that his friend stole it and asked him to check the situation out and advise him on what to do. The phone call lasted 10 minutes and 43 seconds and the conversation went something like this:

ME: "How do I know that you or your 'friend' actually have my laptop?"

HIM: "Oh, he got yo' laptop. I seen the pictures. You a pretty little blond lady with your three little kids and your husband, Jon".

okay, Shama, be cool. Breath, and don't think about the INCREDIBLY dirty feeling that is washing over you as you picture this creep rifling through your family photos. Ignore the immediate impulse to gather your children to you and lock the door.

ME:"Okay, so what do want to do. Do you want to meet somewhere? I will want to check out that the files are still good before I give you any money."

HIM:"Oh, now we done lady."

ME:"What? Why?"

HIM:"Come on. You wanna meet means you got the police in it. We meet up and then I get cuffed. This will look real bad on me. I am an African American and you just a pretty little white women. I gonna come off like the bad guy."

ME:"Um, you ARE the bad guy. You, or your 'friend' came into my home and stole from me and now you are extorting money from me to return MY OWN property to me. There is no question that you are the bad guys. What I want to know is are you business men?"

HIM:"You think I real stupid don't you lady. I show up and you got cops all over me"

ME:"Do you really think the police have the time or resources to hang out in the bushes all day staking you out for the return of a laptop??? I promise that I won't call the police. I won't try to get you arrested. All the newborn pictures of my daughter are on that computer. All our family photos from the last year are on that computer. I really want it back and I'm willing to pay for it."

HIM:"Lady I feel for you but I gotsta look out for me and my boy. This don't feel right. You husband need to talk to you. You don't go 'round saying you gonna meet some one. You gotta think about you and you family and you doing something, meetin up with some one, its not safe."

ME:"Fine, if you don't want to meet then you think of something. There has got to be a way that this can work for everyone...." this is where I start prattling on, throwing out one rediculous

idea after another all the while racking my memory for some scenario seen on a movie or TV show where some plan was hatched to exchange goods for money. I think I even said something about FED EX ing it. Oh, boy it was bad and my voice was getting more and more screechy as the seconds ticked by and NOTHING good was coming to me. I could feel myself losing him.

HIM:"Lady, lady, lady, you gotsta settle down here. Look, like I's tell my boy, no good taking it to a pawn shop cause you gotta show ID, so I's told him jus take it to Ray at the liquor store and maybe he give you 100 bucks for it or find your'selve a cab driver or something and he give you 100 bucks or just scrub it and you's got your'selve a new laptop."

ME:"Well he is an idiot if he turns down $1000 dollars for the possibility of making $100 and he is a REAL idiot if he wants to keep it because he didn't even take the $70 power cord and the computer is useless to him with out it."

HIM:"Lady, I don't have all day fo this. I's sorry, I gonna tell my boy that he should walk away"

ME:"Are you kidding me?? He risked arrest to make maybe $100? Look this is simple. You have something I want, I have something you want. We just need to find a way to make the exchange. I just can't think of anything right now".

HIM:"I give you an hour. I's call you back and you tell me wha' cha thinking about"

ME: Defeated but unable to come up with a way to make this work and scared that once I get off the phone with him he will disappear. What can I do but say, "okay. I'll work on it".

"Working on it" consisted of calling up the people in my life who I thought might have some sort of brilliant plan for me to spring into action. Boy was I disappointed. The nervous Nellie's I hang out with were totally dry on the plan front and spent the better part of my hour with admonishments to not do anything stupid. Some of them even called my husband at work and tattled on me.

Where is this guy when you need him?

And now my hour is up and I am no closer to having a plan which will make my robber feel safe enough to have his third party meet me while also making me feel safe enough to meet a guy who is friends with the stolen goods broker, Ray, at the liquor store and who knows that I probably have $1000 cash on me. Think Shama think.

And then the phone rang....

Tired and sad...

2010-04-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I was feeling like this- And wrote this in my journal-
Today I am feeling so blessed with kindness that it humbles and strengthens me. I have felt supported and loved by many and I appreciate it. I need the strength. I don't want to feel so leveled by this...this... invasion. I know that this trauma is a small thing in the grand scheme of life, a hiccup really, I KNOW that but I still feel so very sad about it. I know that it could have been so much worse. The thieves could have hurt my dog or vandalized my home and I can't help but think what could have happened if Jon had stayed home with Caden who wasn't feeling well. I am so grateful that my family is safe, healthy, and whole. I still feel like there is this dark cloud hanging over me though. I will be doing something and it hits me again that someone out there may have been watching my home, seen as my family finished breakfast and gathered our belongings and left for church. They know where I live. They entered the sacred space that is our home. Did they touch Danali's baby blanket that was laying on the kitchen chair? Did they step on the "Bartlett Family Goals" sheet that fell to the floor. When they stood in the stillness of my home, did their gazes linger on the family photos hanging on the wall? Did they think of the family that had just left and wondered with every sound if we had suddenly returned? What went through their minds? Were they elated at their daring for entering a space that didn't welcome them or was there a moment of hesitation?
What bothers me most as I sit here and think of those who did this to my family, I know that they are not thinking of us. I will think of them for years to come. Every time I pull out my children's baby books and there is a pang of sadness for the loss of Danali's first year, I will think of them. When I recall how the direction of my business changed, I will think of them. They will never think of me. They will never have a moment of regret. This little stint of breaking and entering will probably barely even register as a memory for them. It is so unfair. So unjust. I guess all I can do to make this whole situation a productive experience is to learn what ever lessons I can from it. Grow from it. Not allow this pain to be in vain. Find the wisdom in it. But, I will have work on that tomorrow, tonight I am just too tired and sad.

Violated

2010-04-19T00:09:00.001-07:00

While we were at church today our home was broken into and we were robbed. They weren't here long and didn't take much, but the two minutes it is estimated they spent in our home, cost us a lot. In terms of monetary loss, the biggest hit was to my photography business. They took my laptop with all my photo shoots on it, my external hard drive (which was sitting next to the laptop and being used to back up all my photo shoots) , my camera, and my lens. On the laptop was the files from all my photo shoots, all the photography templates I've bought sinse I started my business to design albums, cards, and blog boards, all the photography programs I've purchased, the actions, the brushes, the photoshop plug ins, my logos, all my branding materials, all my marketing materials, basically everything that I have poured my heart and soul into over the last 9 months to create Shamalea Photography. I have nothing. I am going to have to redesign everything from packing invoices to business cards to pricing guides and brochures. I am sick, and overwhelmed, and devastated just thinking about it.
What makes me more sick and devastated are the phone calls that I am going to have to make tomorrow to several of my clients. A handful of my shoots were safely uploaded with full resolution files to an online gallery/storage site so those I still have access to, but most of them are gone to me and my clients forever. I have been so busy that I have only been posting online galleries for mini shoots and clients who live out of town and can't do proofing sessions with me. All the other shoots I just keep on the lap top and backed up on my external hard drive. I have had this nagging voice in the back of head advising me to back up my back up and down load all my files to the online gallery for safe keeping. The voice reasoned that I'm paying for the service anyway so I should use it and what happens if there is a fire or something? In the end it got moved down on the to do list because it is time consuming and I was lulled into a false sense of security with the external hard drive. Now me and my clients are paying the price for ignoring that little voice.
Personally, I am reeling at the loss of all my family photos. Every event, every special moment, every mile stone, from the last year was carefully captured and preserved on that laptop. The other day I was at Costco and noticed their coupon for 9 cent 4x6's and thought to myself that I should just print the over 1000 family pictures that I have stored on the computer then hire my friend to put them all into albums. I went to bed with a smile on my face imagining sitting down with my kids and looking at family photo albums. I will be suffering the loss of my maternity photos, the photos of the kids meeting their new baby sister for the first time, the new born, 3 mo and 6 mo photos of Danali, the pictures of all of Ell's stunts over the last year, the pictures of Caden playing on his first soccer team and going to his first day of school, the pictures of the kids in their Halloween costumes, the pictures of them playing in the pool all summer long, all the family vacations, the outings, the funny everyday little adventure that make our lives so colorful, for a long time. I really don't think that I will be getting over that loss ever.
I feel like a huge piece of me has been taken. Professionally I am bust until I rebuild. My camera and lens are gone along with my whole professional identity. But my sense of professional loss goes so much deeper than that. There is the pain that I will be causing my clients in losing their photos, which makes me sick to my stomach, but there is also this sense of losing my art. I don't really know how to vocalize this, but every photo that I brand with my name gets a little part of of me. Photography is my art form. Each photograph is unique and special to me. I capture the image in the lighting and at the angle that I feel will best represent the subject and then I edit each image until it looks and feels just right. They are portraits of other people, but I still feel a sense of artistic pride and ownership when I look at the images. They are gone.
My personal loss is what is keeping me up blogging at 1am. When Danali asks why there are no pictures of her until she is nearly one, I will recall this day. When Ella wants to know what she looked like after she cut her own hair, I will recall this day. When Caden wants to see pictures of the time he was licked by a Buffalo at the Olympic game farm, I will recall this day. When I wonder why I started checking my windows and doors before going to bed at night, I will recall this day. It is the day that my family was violated.

It's Sunday and I want a new menu!

2010-04-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

So it is Sunday, the Sabbath, the Day of Rest, a day to just recharge and get yourself spiritually and physically ready for another week. Jon has to work today but I am still feeling pretty confident in my ability to make myself and three children presentable and in a pew by 9am..ish. 9:03 rolls around and we are getting ready to load up in the van and even though we won't make the opening hymn I am feeling good about the morning's progress and looking forward to some much needed spiritual nourishment. Apparently the only dish on my spiritual menu today is PATIENCE. We are at the front door and I am trying to help Caden squeeze his very wide feet into his one and only pair of church shoes, which have magically gotten too small since last Sunday. Our only other options for foot wear are a muddy pair of tennis shoes or his "camping shoes" (black rubber shoes, you know the ones with the holes in them). I convince him that camping shoes will work great for church and being a boy, really doesn't get fussed about the whole thing. Problem solved, well done mom. So I scoop the baby up, take a quick visual sweep of the house and realize that I don't see or hear the dog. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him all morning and I realize that I took his shock collar off the night before, you know, the one that keeps him in his yard. Nothing to be done at this moment, I send a silent plea heaven ward that he will be on the front porch when we pull up after church and pop the baby in her car seat and announce that we are really leaving now. Ella looks up and says, "ewww, mommy you have pukey on you". Yup, while I was tearing around the house looking for the dog the baby threw up on me and all over herself. The sad thing is, it was kind of a lot and I didn't even notice. The clock is ticking and I have missed the opening hymn, the taking of the sacrament, and am now into the first speaker. So do I take a wipey to the sour milk all down the front of me and try to cover the stench with an extra spritz of perfume or do I dive into my closet for a complete outfit change? I am still deliberating as I wipe and sniff one of the only dresses that currently fits me and I hear a scream from the kitchen. Caden had spilled grape juice and it totally soiled Ella's dress and according to my little drama queen, "It's RUINED! My favorite dress! My very special dress! MY PURPLE DRESS!" How exactly did this morning go so wrong? In such a short amount of time I now have three people needing out fit changes, one person who is at least dressed but who looks like a fashion victim, a missing dog, a baby who wants nothing more than to take a nap, and I realize that in my haste to make it out the door, I haven't fed anyone breakfast. So we all traipse up stairs and I trade my nylons for my yoga pants, throw a sticky Ella in the tub, a sleepy baby in the crib, and any hope of spiritual nourishment out the window.

I'd like to chant that verse about serenity right about now but I can't seem to remember exactly how it goes. Maybe if I was at church right now, I would be learning it. Instead, I am full of pancakes, and sitting in bed with the kids and the children's illustrated bible reading about Samson (the kids picked the story based on the pictures and who wouldn't want to read stories about a guy who can wrestle a lion?? Although they don't think much of the fact that he has long hair like a girl)

2010-04-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

When I put Danali to bed on Friday night I had clothes laid out just in case she needed to go to the ER. She was so passive. She wouldn't eat. She just wanted to snuggle and sleep. I laid in bed and poured my heart out to Heavenly Father. I begged him to help my daughter get better. I checked on her several times through out the night to make sure that she was breathing and kept trying to sneak a bottle in her mouth to keep her hydrated. When she woke up Saturday morning she was bright and smiley. She was also hungry. We gave her a 6oz bottle and waited for the vomiting to start. Jon and I laid in bed with her as she cooed and giggled at our silly faces and tickles. She never threw up. She didn't tire out for hours. It was the longest stretch in over a week that she was awake, and not just awake, happy and full of the life that had been missing for what seemed such a long time. She woke up again this Easter morning, with happy sounds and a sense of delight at waking up to her life. She isn't completely better but, she is getting there. I could sense her getting so close to this cliff of really seriously sick. I saw it in the dullness of her eyes. I felt it in the limpness of her body. I smelled it in the sickness of her breath. I know that we are moving further and further away from that cliff now. We still have tests to run, lost weight to make up, and a baby with constant diarrhea, but I feel us inching closer to the shelter of good health.

So this Easter, my soul is full of gratitude. Gratitude for a Savior who loves us so much that he provided a way for our salvation, for an eternal plan which allows us to be a family forever, but the thing that causes my heart to swell with absolute humbling gratitude is the smile, the squeal, the joy that exudes from my sweet daughter.

If this is life...I kind of give up!

2010-04-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is Danali. She is the sweetest, the most joyful, the most loving adorable baby I've ever encountered. She is also very sick. We are currently struggling to keep her out of the hospital.

Danali has had diarrhea for 2 1/2 weeks and has been vomiting for 5 days. She gets more lethargic by the day and is basically just getting worn out from sick. I let the diarrhea go on too long. We recently introduced food and I thought that too many peas were the cause or it was a combo of sweet potatoes and banana's that upset her little tummy. So we went back to formula and waited a few days and her tummy didn't seem to get better. So I thought that maybe she was becoming lactose intolerant like her big brother so we switched her to soy formula and gave it a few days and there was no improvement. She seemed okay though. Other than explosive poos she was her happy self so I wasn't too concerned. I checked in with her doctor and they said that it sounded like a virus running its course. Then the fever and vomiting started. Now she has lost 1 1/2 pounds and isn't eating like she should and just seems miserable. And she isn't the only one. We have been trying to fill these vials with stool samples for the last 5 days.

Do you know how hard it is to collect liquid after it has been absorbed by a very absorbent Huggies? I do. Oh, boy, I DO. It is the most disgusting task that I have ever been called upon to fulfill as a mom, and as you know there are some pretty gross things that you deal with in mommy land. We have been to the doctors twice this week and they said they need these samples to run tests and figure out what is ailing my sweet little love. And I tell them, I AM TRYING. On Thursday's visit they said that we may need to admit her for IV fluids next week if we can't get her eating better and get the vomiting and diarrhea under control. I am doing everything. I slip a bottle laced with Pedialyte in her mouth every time she nods off (she is a HATER of the Pedialyte) and offer her a binkie then put a spoonful of rice cereal in her mouth when she opens it. I think we are making headway, I guess we will see when we go in next week. In the mean time, our lives are ruled by poo. Yup, this is currently our life. We have now resorted to attaching a bag to our child's very raw little bummy to do the job for us. YUCK and OUCH. I'm so sorry little Nali.

Smell something stinky?? Yeah so do we, it is the toxic yellow stuff that your body seems to have in abundance.

Oh, and just for kicks and giggles, Caden got his first concussion 30 mins before we were leaving for Nali's Thursday's appointment. He was standing on a bar stool trying to get something out of the cupboard and it flipped out from under him. He cracked his head on the butcher block counter and immediately got the biggest goose egg on the back of his head that I've ever felt. Good thing we were already heading to the doctors office or it would have been an ER visit to top off the already crazy week. So we are checking his eyes for symmetry every 3 hours, giving him lots of water, watching his behavior, and generally adding one more worry to the growing list. My mommy nerves are shot. Note to other moms: when your child's eyes look like this

he has

as a concussion.

Spring Breaks

2010-04-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

Each year my mom and aunt's spring break lands one week before ours because they are on the collage schedule so my little ones have gotten two spring breaks the last two years. Enjoy it while you can little ones, because those days are numbered. Sunday my mom and aunt picked up Caden and Ella and wisked them away to the coastal town of Birch Bay (all the way up by the Canadian boarder) where they wiggled their toes in the sand while finding baby crabs under rocks, ate ice cream on the board walk, swam in the resort pool, and did craft projects which could only have been conceived of by my very creative aunt. In the mean time Jon and I were ripping out two of our three bathrooms and redoing flooring, vanities, hardware, mirrors, painting, ect... Hey, what else are you going to do with three practically kid free days? By mid week the house was totally torn apart (why is it that every project takes at least 3 hours longer than you anticipate?) and baby Danali and I headed up to the coast, along with amazing rain showers. When we got there we needed some good indoor activities so the group decided to explore the town and found the best little used book store with train tracks on both sides of it. After an hour of perusing the thousands of books lining every wall of this adorable sandalwood scented store, we lightened their load by 22 books and were on our way.

Next we put together a scavenger hunt that took the kids all over the resort. The funny thing is that while I was putting over 30 clues here and there and everywhere a small group of kids caught up to me with a handful of bright pink sticky notes really excited for the next clue. Needless to say I had to do some back tracking and became a much better hider with the clues.

The scavenger hunt ended with a play bowling set and a sling shot, which is now my son's favorite toy. In our rain induced need to find activities, we found that setting up the bowling pins all through out the room and running around shooting them down like an old fashioned shooting gallery was quite entertaining. The only problem was that the adults loved the game so much that Caden had to fight for his turn with his sling shot. Sorry dude. The week ended and it was time to take my kids home to start Spring Break part #2.

Uno, dos, tres...

2010-03-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

Ella and I have an agreement regarding clothing; she is allowed to pick her own outfits on preschool days and I get to pick her outfits every other day. You see Ella has very...um...eclectic taste in clothing. It is either lots of layers and textures, hats, accessories, and MANY patterns, or princess garb. Her only restriction is that she can't wear church dresses to school. This way she gets to express her self three days a week and I get to take her in public the other days of the week. I have to give her credit because her fashion sense has really improved over the last year.

This is her the fall of 2008. I love that she paired the plaid dress with the pink pants and threw on the knit hat side ways for a bit of whimsy.
This is the Spring of 2009. You are not going to loose this child in a crowd with that green screaming at you. Oh, and of course this was the perfect choice of shoes for a day when the wind was howling and mom told you we were going to the waterfront after school warning that if you left the rain boots at home your feet were going to get wet and cold. Her response, "yeah, but the rain boots are BLUE mom, and I'm not wearing any blue". My bad.
This is December 0f 2009. She is loving these head bands because they are stretchy and drive me nuts. Her hair is always sticking up every which way when she wears them because she takes them off and puts them on again over and over through out the day. But who cares what your hair looks like when you are wearing your favorite Cinderella dress, am I right?
This is Feb 2010 and this is the face of a child trying to convince her mom that she will be warm enough because, although the thermostat reads 42 degrees, the sun is out.
And this my friends is Ella this morning.

I told her that her shirt was too small and she said that it was perfect. I said, "perfect for what?" and she said, "perfect

to look like Dora".

Thanks a lot Dora. After all the progress we've made in the last year she now thinks that shirts that are obviously too small, paired with shapeless shorts and bright yellow socks passes for style. Please stick to teaching her Spanish and leave the fashion tips to me. Thanks.

PS-Dora, you are obviously drawn by a man because no women would put you in white shoes

year round.

4 going on 14....

2010-03-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

An Ella moment:

I opened the freezer to get out some ice and while the door was open Ella noticed a bag of frozen peas, "Mom, can I have some of those?". To which I responded, "Sure love" (anything that keeps her from asking for soda or candy-she has a bit of a sweets addition, I could insert something here about apples and trees, but I will refrain). I answer the front door and when I come back she is snacking on a hand full of frozen peas with the freezer door standing wide open. She looks at the door then looks at me and says, "mom, you should really close that door". I look at her and say, "um, you were the last one to get something out of the freezer so you should close the door". She contemplated it for a second then said, "hmmm, mom I'm thinking that you were the one who opened it so I think that you should close it". All I could do was laugh at the thoughtful look on her little face. She had it all figured out. So I closed the door, in acknowledgment of her infalible logic (hey she isn't even 4 yet so you have to ignore the holes in her reasoning) and said, "you are such a smart girl". I have such a lawyer in the making!

I'm BORED....

2010-03-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

Caden, "Mom, I'm Bored".

Mom, "hi, Bored, nice to meet you. My name is mom".

Caden, "no Mom, I'm REALLY bored".

Mom, "whoa, Bored, I believed you the first time, no need

to get upset".

Caden, "Mom! Stop being a teaser, I'm bored".

Mom, "Look Bored, is there something I can do for you or are you just introducing yourself? "

Caden, "NEVERMIND, I'm just going to go play".

Painting rocks with the Andersons. My aunt came out and brought a bunch of rocks and patterns one Saturday and taught us how to paint fun little animals, houses, and even food. We loved it so much that I went out and bought my own supplies and for a week the all the kids painted every rock that could pass for a mouse, dinosaur, or flower. So if you see a hamburger sitting in my flower garden, don't eat it, it is just a painted rock.
The zoo. Caden got chosen to go up and be the trainers "special helper". He felt like an expert after that and insisted on holding the map of the zoo and directing us all to each of the exhibits.
This is his Valentine's Day cup cake. We made these heart shaped mini cakes and let the kids decorate them. This is what Caden came up with. He was very proud of his ability to use the most amount of sprinkles of anyone.
I love listening to the boys reading together at night. Caden read the first book and was delighted that he put Nali to sleep.
My little soccer champ...ish. He was more interested in just running around with all the boys then really paying attention to the game. When he did focus in on the whole team sport going on around him he was quite the little kicker! His soccer playing daddy is so proud and talks of big plans for our boy's future in sports.
Yeah, how do you survive such a BORING life???

Dinner Wars...

2010-02-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

A long time ago (last week), in a galaxy far far away (while mom was away in Utah)....a little boy thought that this was the end all, be all, chicken, of chickens.

So tonight, when mom said that we were having chicken for dinner and put this on the table:

that little boy said, "THAT is NOT my favorite chicken, I like Daddy's chicken best". In bewilderment mom searched her brian for a time that daddy ever made chicken or anything that resembled chicken because mom knows that dad's culinary skills don't extend past anything that doesn't come in a box. Seeing mom's confusion the son clarified, "you know that chicken that comes in a bucket".

What planet do I live on when my kids measure up my homemade, specially seasoned, free range organic chicken, cooked to juicy perfection with love and care, against mass produced, breaded, deep fat fried chicken that has probably been in a freezer for as long as the kids have been alive, and find MY chicken lacking??? Like I said, it had to have happened in a galaxy far far away, because if it happens again in my kitchen the only thing that will be on the menu the next night is this:

I am a little scratched up, but not muddy.

2010-02-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

So there are to kinds of naps, the famous cap nap, and the sleeping like a baby nap. I personally am a fan of both. If I am looking for a quick 30 min cat nap, I, like my feline counterpart, look for the warmest sunniest spot in the house and curl up for a quick bout of shut eye. On days when I am just dragging and feeling sluggish and dull, the answer is almost always, a cat nap. I wake up feeling refreshed and down right perky. The other type of nap though is a totally different thing. When I want to sleep like a baby I make sure that the house is quiet, the room is as dark and silent as a tomb, and my clothing as unrestrictive as possible. I snuggle down into my comforter, fluff the pillows, and give a little shiver of anticipation knowing that I have sectioned off at least 90 mins in the middle of the day to rest. It is a luxury and doesn't happen often but I justify it when I've had a sleepless night, or feel like I'm getting sick, or if the calender tells me its a Sunday afternoon.

So this morning I woke at 6am, the crack of dawn in my book, after going to bed too late and having annoying dreams that kept me from really enjoying my sleeping time (you know that life if off kilter when you dream about the problems you can't solve in your waking hours and you feel supremely irritated that you don't even get a break from them while you are unconscious). I got up and thought that I might as well be productive while the house was so quiet and so I started in on getting caught up on some business stuff

(did a bit o blogging: www.shamaleaphotography.com/blog). When the family woke I hopped into mommy mode and made breakfast, got kids dressed and off to school, took care of the baby, picked up, wrote out a grocery list, made a couple of calls, and felt like I had to be at least half way through my day already, only the clock mocked me by flashing: 10:15am. Jon didn't have to leave until close to 11:45am so it came to me that I could either indulge in a really LONG hot shower then do my hair and make up or I could go back to bed for a while. The lure of having the bed all to myself won out and I headed up stairs mentally preparing for a 'sleeping like a baby' nap. But then as I passed the living room there was a very seductive (and in WA in Feb), and very rare patch of sunshine warming the most comfy part of the couch. Which type of nap should I take? The one where I shut myself away and really power nap, or the one where I stay in the hub of the house so that I doze on and off while the sounds of my family buzz in the background. Cat or baby, baby or cat???? A nap needed to happen, and fast, because while I debated the pros and cons I had already lost 15 mins! In the end I opted for the darkness of the bedroom, the quiet hum of the noise machine, and the joy of sleeping in the middle of the bed and utilizing all the pillows. Sounds nice right? Not when your head hits the soft downy comfort of the pillows at 10:30am and you start dream lecturing yourself about missing out on that sunny patch of couch at 10:45! My subconscious self is apparently quite worried about the amount of Vitamin D my body is receiving as well as noting that by sitting in the sun I could put a little color back into my pale winter pallor. I kept telling my subconscious self to back off because I only had 45 more mins of good sleep ahead of me, and it argued back that 45 mins was really more a cat nap and maybe I should have just taken the hot shower after all. 11:20am rolls around and I decide that me taking a nap is a lost cause. So here I sit, not pretty from extra time putting on my make and doing my hair, not rested from a really good nap, not even a little bit more clear headed from soaking up the vitamins of the sun. Where did I go wrong I wonder? And all I can come up with is that I tried to chase the almost impossible dream of napping in the middle of the day. I reached for the stars and had to drag my feet in the trees by going for the 'sleeping like a baby nap', but I applaud myself for my audacity. I could have copped out and gone for the 'cat nap', but that would be like reaching for the tree tops and dragging your feet in the mud. Am I right?

My own private bat cave...

2010-02-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite times of the day. I turn on the shower and relax as the steam fills the room because I know that for the next 15 minutes I am in my mommy cave. The door is locked and the sound is so dampened that I can barely hear the kids fighting over weather to watch Dora or Ben 10. Ahh, and then there is the HOT water. Even Jon doesn't understand how I can stand the nearly scalding temperatures, but I love it. My bliss is having the water pound down on my shoulders as I breath in the fragrant steam. I stay as long as possible, without care or concern for my water bill or the environment. This is my cave, no such thoughts allowed. Eventually, the knocking on the door begins and even the sound of the water echoing against the shower wall can't drown out the sound of: "Mommy, Caden won't give me the remote", "Mommy, the dog threw up on the carpet", "Mommy, someone is at the door and they want you to write your name" (all things I heard this morning). And, regretfully, I have to turn the water off, chastise my kids for fighting, feeding the dog cheese, and opening the door to a stranger. And although I must leave my steamy cave of solitude and peace, I am now ready to face my day with clean mango smelling hair, freshly shaven legs, and back muscles loose enough to haul around my 16lb baby all the live long day.

Good bye mommy cave, the light of day awaits.

How can you not love your life when you wake up to this in the morning??

2010-02-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

I am in Utah and I brough

t my little Danali with me. I have loved this one on one time with my sweet daughter. This morning I pulled in her in bed with me at 7am to keep her morning "singing" (really high pitched squealing) from rousing the slumbering inhabitants of the house. She and I drifted in and out of sleep for an hour or so and at one point I looked ove

r and saw this little face looking back at me.

I smiled at her and she smiled at me...and I felt overwhelmingly blessed. This little girl just radiates joy and delight in the world around her. When she turns those bright blue eyes on you it is like a she casts a spell. You feel like she can see right into your soul and marvels at what she sees. She draws you in and you can't help but be warmed and a little more joyful yourself.

Did a little photo shoot with Miss Ella....

2010-02-02T03:12:00.000-08:00

I took my daughter down to the studio today to get her 6 month pictures and brought along my "almost 4 year old", Ella (she wants it broadcast from the mountain tops that the big FOUR is just around the corner for her). Ella was more interested in the movie I put on for her in the proofing room than the photo shoot going on in the studio UNTIL she caught sight of the tutu. Oh, how she marveled at its luscious fusia folds and pined to be the model for such a garment. So when the baby let me know in no uncertain terms that she was done being my subject, Ella got to make her almost four year old modeling debut.She was so thrilled by the shoot that she begged me all day to put them on the computer so that everyone could see the tutu she got to wear. When I asked her who, "everyone" was, she said, "MOM", you know, "EVERYONE". So here is a sneak peek at our shoot together, EVERYONE.

The gospel according to Ella...

2010-01-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

Our friend's cat had been sick for a week and along with praying for her uncle, Ella has been praying for the health of the cat. I told her yesterday that our prayers were being heard because uncle CJ is getting better, and she wanted to know if Summer, the cat, was getting better too. It was one of those mom moments, where you know you have to proceed even though you are not sure if where you step will fall out from beneath you. I was prepared for questions of why God answered one prayer but not the other, I was prepared for sadness that the only cat consistently in her world was gone, I was even prepared for questions about what they did with her little kitty body when she died. What I was not prepared for was Ella's explanation of Kitty resurrection. sn.

The post I had hoped to NEVER write...

2010-01-14T00:19:00.001-08:00

This is my beautiful Ella and her BEAUTIFUL hair. She is almost four and we have discussed who is allowed to cut her hair since she was two.

Me: Ella, who is allowed to cut your hair?

Her: Mommy and Monica.

Me: Do you cut your hair?

Ella: No mommy.

Me: Do your friends cut your hair?

Ella: No mommy.

It was such a simple understanding. We dialoged this exact conversation at least once a week for the last year and a half. I thought we had it down. Ella was so proud of her hair, almost vain really. I would have to coach her on being humble because she got so many complements on how long and pretty her hair...WAS. She came home from my aunt's house and my mom sheepishly told me that Ella had cut her hair. My stomach dropped and I think I even vomited in my mouth a little. She didn't just cut it a little. She took scissors and lopped off a large chunk of hair from each side of her head. When I composed myself enough to ask her "why did you cut your hair" in a normal voice, not scream it at her like a banshee, she replied simply, "it was bugging me" and when she saw that my eyes were twitching like one of those cartoons whose heads where about to explode, she said, "don't worry mommy, I'll fix it tomorrow."

As the days went on, my daughter, who was sporting quite a mullet, realized that a lot of tomorrows would have to pass before she got her hair back. I wanted to cry every time I looked at her. I would like to say that this is an over exaggeration but seeing her truly caused an ache in my heart. I decided that it was time to take her to the beauty salon to see if they could make something out of the "weed wacker got to my head" look. As you can see, Ella was not happy about having to get her hair. She kept saying, "I want long hair like a princess, not short hair like a brother".

The stylist and I told her how adorable she looked and that this would be a great hair cut until her hair grew out and after a while she kind of liked her new do. WE LIED. It still looks like a weed wacker went crazy on her head, but whatcha gonna do? I want her to feel pretty even though my heart still catches in my throat when I do her hair in the morning. The moral of the story is to explain to your child that if they cut their hair it will take as long as they've been alive to grow back.

This is Ella's current hair style.

And for good measure, tell them that if they EVER cut their hair, you will make them scalp every Barbie, every My Little Pony, every baby doll in your home. That is the threat in our house. I don't really think I need one, looking in the mirror is punishment enough, but it is there just in case her cutting fingers ever get itchy again (I am so glad that Ella can't read at this moment!). By the way, I find myself so traumatized that I accost perfect strangers and warn them to talk to their daughters about not cutting their hair. A women was shopping next to me at Target the other day with her daughter who had the most lovely long blonde locks and I grabbed her arm (literally) and told her, "please, tell your daughter not to cut her hair!!". She whipped around to her daughter looking, I'm sure, for scissors getting ready to snip years of growth away, the way a mother would whip around if a fellow shopper grabbed her arm and said, "your child is about to fall out of the cart!!". When she saw the her child was benignly sitting in the cart she kind said, "um, okay" and walked away from the crazy lady with the bugged out cartoon eyes.

CJ update...

2010-01-12T00:38:00.000-08:00

This is CJ getting ready for his cat scan this morning. He is feeling rough and very nervous for the upcoming procedure.

This is Wes, our favorite radiology technicianThis is the radiologist looking over his cat scan. Notice all the white areas of his lungs. Those areas should be black. The cloudy white stuff is fluid and infection. You can see that there is A LOT of it. After reviewing the films they decide that he definitely needs intervention today. He REALLY didn't want surgery so the specialist opted for a less invasive procedure. They put a small tube through his back and into the space around his lungs and drain the plural effusions (pockets of infection). The hope is that this will get rid of enough infection that the antibiotics will do the rest.

I got to stay in the room with him while they inserted the drainage tube. They make a small incision on his back and insert a long skewer type needle through his scapula, between his ribs, and into the area just out side his lungs. They used ultra sound to make sure they didn't hit a rib or puncture a lung. He has a lot of muscle so they had to be pretty aggressive with poking the skewer through. That was the only point that I felt faint. He wasn't feeling anything because they had him all doped up but it was still unsettling to watch the 12" very thick needle being crammed into him. He is feeling better because there is some relief from the pressure out side his lungs, but they are disappointed with the amount of fluid being drained. His white cell count is still on the rise and the fluid outtake is falling. They think that there are loculations (thick pockets of infected goop) in the space around his lungs that can't be drained from the tube they placed today. He has another cat scan scheduled for 1st thing tomorrow morning to see if he really has loculations and how advanced they are. That will determine how invasive a surgery they have to do. The danger with pleuritic effusions is that the fluid gets thicker and thicker and the loculations attach themselves to his lungs. If that happens they will have to open up his chest and scrap away the infection, potentially damaging his lungs and putting him at a higher risk for respiratory failure.

The pulmonary specialist currently caring for him is very competent and aggressive in his approach. He said that this is just bad luck. It started out as pneumonia and only 5% of people with pneumonia get pleural effusions and an even smaller percentage of those patients get the loculations. CJ is always the exception to the rule.

The life and times....

2010-01-10T13:24:00.000-08:00

After doing a scan on CJ's lungs they saw that they were filled with fluid and infection making it hard for him to breathe correctly. They ordered a procedure called a thoracentisis. Basically a needle is inserted in his back and a tube is passed through to his lungs and the fluid is drained away. They explained that it was all very routine and although there could potentially be complications they expected it to go smoothly, we should have known that smoothly, and CJ don't really go hand in hand.

"This may sting a little...."

"... because we are making a small hole in your back...."

"....we will be inserting a little needle and removing some fluid to send off for culturing...." "...and then drain a little fluid...""...this is all very routine, let us know if you are having any pain or breathing problems..." CJ was talking and doing fine and the next thing we know he is slumped over the table and gasping for breath. I would have noticed sooner that he was nearly unconscious, but I was too busy taking pictures. His heart rate dropped and he had no color in his face and was sweating profusely. They immediately stopped the procedure even though there was A LOT more junk in his lungs (even after fulling a 1000ml jug, just off right lobe) and called a code team "just in case". I refrained from asking, " 'just in case' WHAT" because I thought I already knew the answer. A small crew of people got him stabilized and they called for a portable chest x-ray to see if there was a pneumothorax (I heard the word but haven't been to web MD it to see what it really means, something having to do with air being in the plural sac around the lung, I think. Either way, it was bad). His blood pressure went from 65/33 when he was almost passing out, to 198/104 with a pulse of 120. He kept begging them to take the needle out of his back and I kept telling him that they already had. He said that he felt like he was being stabbed through his lung and he couldn't breathe. It was SCARY. For him and for me, and from the expression on the technician's face, for her as well. We are still not exactly sure what went wrong, but the working theory is that as they took the fluid from the lung it wanted oxygen, which is transported through the body via blood. So the there was this sudden demand for blood and his heart just couldn't keep up so he started crashing until his body could compensate. That was the only theory I remembered, although they talked about other things. I really didn't care. I was trembling from the inside out and trying to reassure CJ that all is well. In the end, he was nearly fine 30 mins later. His heart rate and blood pressure returned to normal (his sick normal) and his breathing was slightly better. We got back to his room and some of his buddies were there to visit so I got him settled in and took my leave. I found the nearest exit (which was marked "authorized personal only" - It was this little outdoor oasis which I thought was such a nice Zen place to create for the hospital staff, until I realized that it was where they went to smoke) and collapsed in to a sobbing heap. It was just SO MUCH. He really was fine, telling the staff a story in great CJ fashion, and the next second he was inches away from heart and respiratory failure. It was so fast and unexpected. Realizing how precariously life is balanced is terrifying. Not just his life, but all of us just seemed so fragile and temporary. I have to say that the only thing that pulls me back from the edge is the knowledge that this life is suppose to be temporary. We are eternal soul inhabiting these very mortal and breakable bodies. I don't like it, but that is the plan.

He has another chest x-ray tomorrow so we will see if his right lung is any more clear. We are thinking that they will want to go in and drain more off the right and start draining the left because his white cell count is still on the rise (indicating that the infection is still running rampant in his body). We are on day 8. I am so ready for this to all be over.

My Sweet Boy...

2009-12-03T01:36:00.000-08:00

I was in the back of my son's Sunday School class on Sunday just observing the organized chaos that comes when trying to instruct a herd of children squished into ties and tights. It was so interesting to see the different personalities, interests, and behaviors of such a large group of kids. I watched my Caden, thinking how incredibly handsome and grown up he looked. Six years old and he has a heart of gold. Things come tough for him sometimes. He is in first grade and has been in speech therapy for over a year, did six months of occupational therapy, and we are trying to get a proper assessment of a few other difficulties he faces. Everyone says how incredibly bright he is but focusing is such a challenge for him that it doesn't always translate on paper and he is starting to become aware of that. I worry over him constantly. He is so kind and sensitive but also really tough. He still wants snuggles and hugs and is quick with an "I love you". He sees the best in everyone and I want so badly for the world to only see the best in him. I am so afraid that the world will beat him down for not fitting into some predetermined mold. Tonight, remembering Sunday, I rest a little easier. Caden was talking to the boy next to him and the kid looked at Caden and said mockingly, "you talk like a baby". My first instinct was to jump up and correct the behavior, comfort my son, and undo any damage that he might have sustained, but before I could even move, I heard my son reply, "no I don't. I talk like Caden".
I felt like crying. First, out of pride that my boy was so self assured that he was not flattened by unkindness, but also out of sadness because I can't hold the unkindnesses of the world at bay.
Children come into the world completely confident in their beauty, their perfection, their divinity. It is a physical ache to know that the world will try to beat that knowledge out of them. I knew it would happen, but I didn't expect the assault to happen so quickly. Six years old. Shouldn't he have a couple of more years untouched?
Like I said, I was so proud of the way my son held up against the small attack, but how often is he attacked in little ways that I don't see? A physical ache. As I write this I want to crawl in bed with him and whisper in ear how much God loves him, how much his family loves him, how grateful we are that he is ours, how funny and kind he is, how smart and inventive he his, how he is the best big brother his sisters every could have asked for, how he can do anything he sets his mind to, how he talks just like a Caden should.

2009-11-28T13:18:00.001-08:00

You know how some people have lapdogs? The kind of dog that waits in anticipation for the moment your tushie makes contact with the couch so that he can jump up and claim his rightful position warming your lap? You see that dog knows that as he dozes you will idly stoke him for as long as you sit there, not even really conscious of doing it. This happens over and over again until the dog has got you so trained that when you sit down in a lapdog free home you find yourself feeling oddly empty and your hands awkwardly unoccupied.

I don't have one of these:

I have a dog, and while he would love the chance to worm his way onto my lap, that position is already occupied by one of these:

I am realizing that the same principals apply to a laptop as a lapdog. The minute I sit down I pull this little baby onto my lap where my fingers idly stroke key after key for as long as I sit there. I can't seem to help myself. Even when I sit down to watch TV with my husband he has to snuggle up to me and my silver little beauty, much to his chagrin. It has gotten so bad that I put little Apple on my night stand so that I can work on her when I wake up in morning and before I start my day with the kids. In my defense, I am a great multi-tasker. I can fully enjoy whatever sitcom we are watching (although my computer stays at my desk while we watch "The Office". That kind of humor deserves your full attention) or follow the thread of a conversation while I edit photos, design marketing pieces, or check my e-mail. So I decided that I would be fully present to everything going on around me on Thanksgiving. I was hostessing so I was busy all morning cooking and making sure everything was set out just right. Then dinner started and I was so touched by the conversation and beauty of the people who sat around me that my thoughts stayed right in that moment. After dinner came some clean up, some singing around the piano to welcome in the holiday season, and game time (we set out card games, board games, and art projects on card tables throughout the down stairs so people can break off and do what ever activity appeals to them). I sat on the couch just to take it all in and watch contentedly as the people I love most engage and enjoy one another's company, but I was only content for a few minutes. I became restless and my hands felt awkward and useless as they just sat there. My lap missed the weight and warmth of my MacBook. Ohhh, how I longed, how I itched to just quietly pull it out and scan the black friday ads or respond to a couple of client e-mails, or to order my new backdrops. I almost gave in. But then I would have to admit that I can't go one whole day with out my laptop and I think that would say something really sad about me, so I resisted. Oh, I missed it, I missed it bad, but I did it.

Because I was able to do it on Thanksgiving, I decided to go one more day, just to solidify that I truly am well balanced. Friday was a special day for me anyway. When Jon asked me what I wanted for my birthday (which was the 23rd) I told him that I wanted a day off. I just wanted a day where no one made any demands on my time or attention. I wanted to sleep in, eat cheesecake for breakfast, shop at my leisure, take a nap, get a pedicure, read a book with no educational or professional merit, shop some more, and just be totally selfish with my time. It was awesome. I looked forward to it all week. Then, the morning of, I packed up my laptop and thought to myself that it would be a good day to get caught up on some business stuff undistracted. I reasoned that I love what I do, and that it wouldn't really be at odds with the sentiment of "Shama Day". In reality though, I just wasn't comfortable being away from my laptop for two whole days. How well balanced it that? So I put my laptop bag back in the closet and walked resolutely out the door.

I have to admit that before I went to bed last night I had to make sure she was charged up and ready to start today with me. For practical reasons, I tell myself, because I am doing all my holiday mini session this weekend (I am blogging in between shoots right now) and I will need to download photos throughout the day, but really I just missed her. It is the same way a lapdog person misses their snuggy warm mutt when they've been separated too long.

Come One, Come All!!!

2009-11-16T03:08:00.000-08:00

Shama Lea Photography Studio Grand Opening!!!!

Saturday, Nov 21st

Open House: 6:30-8:30

245 4th Street Suite 506 (roof top reception)

Bremerton, WA 98337

I have been immersed in preparation for my photography studio's grand opening. I am so excited by this event, and I have to admit, a little nervous. I can't wait to debut this lovely little space and share with everyone what I have been working on. Please come by and enjoy some great refreshments (the event is being catered by "Having a Ball Catering" and I can tell you that at least your mouth will be having a ball), fun music, great conversation, all the while enjoying a beautiful roof top view of the city and marina. I am giving away a door prize every half hour including gift certificates to a day spa and dinner at Anthony's. I am also offering exclusive discounts on print products, as well as offering 10 Holiday Card Sessions (this is a 30 min mini session to take a family photo for your holiday cards this year. The session comes with 25 custom designed holiday cards) at an amazing price. So, come one come all. Make a date out of it. You can pop by the open house, please your taste buds, book yourself a photo shoot, then take your honey to see Twilight. What better way can you think of to spend your Saturday night???

What is wrong with this picture???

2009-09-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

Why are my tomatoes splitting like this??? Do they need more fertilizer? Are they getting too much water or too little? I don't understand because they have been producing so beautifully for the last couple of weeks. In fact they are such champion tomato plants that I am giving away tomatoes every couple of days. I just can't eat them fast enough and I don't want even one tiny perfectly round red orb to go to waste. Any suggestions on what can be done to save these poor plants?

Stacy's Maternity Shoot

2009-09-09T01:39:00.001-07:00

Here are a few pictures from a maternity session I did with my good friend Stacy. She was such a fun subject and was such a good sport about trying different poses and locations even though it was freezing out side. I had a really hard time narrowing down the ones to post because she was so great in all of them. Thanks Stacy for such a fun shoot!! By the way, I have no idea why this is all underlined nor do I have any idea how to change it. I will save that for another day.I couldn't decide which belly picture I liked better because they both have such different feels to them. In the end I couldn't cut either one.

My New Business Site is DONE!!!

2009-09-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

I have been pouring my heart and soul into redesigning my business website. It is a labor of love because I really wanted it to represent who I am as a photographer. After hours and hours of wading through color schemes, fonts, layouts, and designing and redesigning my new logo trying to figure out what felt like "me", I called in my sweet husband. I did this for two reasons, 1-there are times that he knows me better than I know myself, and 2- all things technology based come easier to him. So with my love by my side and Jon sitting next to us (by "us" I mean me and my Mac) we toiled away all weekend long and are both proud to launch: www.shamaleaphotography.com

I decided to do a redesign along with changing the name of my business from "Moments Photography" to "Shamalea Photography" a few weeks ago but have stalled because of the work involved in making a change over like that. I loved Moments photography because to me being a photographer is all about capturing those little moments that are authentic and convey a sense who a person is, but there are so many other photographers using that same name or a variation of it that I felt lost in the crowd. It occurred to me that my parents gave me a beautiful unique Irish name and that nothing could represent me better than that. I also figured that after having my name mispronounced, misspelled, and misunderstood my whole life, it was time to let it be celebrated a little, poor abused name :). I am still working on the blog, but I was just so pleased with the way the website came out that I couldn't keep it under wraps any longer. And Jon is so bursting with pride at our creative venture together that I was barley able to keep his finger from inching towards the "publish" button before the finishing touches were complete. So check it out and let me know what you think. shamaleaphotography.com

PS-if you know any seniors who are interested in getting senior portraits, I still have a few senior rep slots available. A senior rep receives a free senior shoot and lots of incentives for referring their friends to shamaleaphotography. I am looking for energetic, fun, charismatic seniors who would benefit from being a senior rep. I only do a handful of these shoots a year so if you know someone who fits the bill have them e-mail me as soon as possible: sl@shamaleaphotography.com

Danali is one month old!

2009-09-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

Here are a few photos from Danali's one month shoot. She was so sleepy that she wasn't even bothered when I jostled her about in a field and in the forest. I think she has resigned herself to the fact that her mother is a little nutty, especially when there is a camera in her hands. This was the first shoot that we have done together that didn't involve tears, hers or mine. She is now my favorite subject!

Three week old Danali...

2009-09-03T13:31:00.001-07:00

This baby truly tortures me- when she isn't being the most delightful light of my life. As she is our last baby I wanted to make a really concentrated effort to photograph and document her infancy so that it didn't slip by in the craziness of everyday living. So I have done a photo shoot with her every week as she turns a new week old. EVERY time I pull the camera out my sweet snuggly girl turns into a crying pooping mach

ine. She hates being naked or uncovered in any way. In the photos where I am holding her you can see that she looks truly disgruntled even in sleep, and in the photo where she looks like she is sleeping alone my friend Monica is wrapped in a black cloth (what a good friend) and holding her because my darling girl acted like I was neglecting her whenever I tried propping her up against the back drop alone. So this is what I came up with from that shoot.

My day at a glance....

2009-09-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

7:30 am- Get kids up, dressed, fed, snack packed, and off to school #1. 10:30 am off to school #2 for open house. 11:30 am run to the post office to mail a bunch of stuff (not an easy task with a baby hanging off one arm and a toddler in tow who has no fear of traffic). 12:30 pm dog to the groomer. 12:45 grocery shopping (we we are out of everything). 2pm home for Ella's nap. 3:15 pick Caden up from school. 3:30 pm give both kids snacks and quick house clean up. 4:30 pm soccer practice. 6pm make and clean up from dinner. 8pm help get kids showered and off to bed. 9 pm start working on photography web site/blog (I have changed my business name and am really excited about the blog I'm working on, more to come on that later) and stay caught up on my editing. 12 am feed and change the baby off to bed. 3 am feed and change the baby and hopefully only be up for a 1/2 hour (but the last two nights it has been more like 2 hours on and off). 6 am another round of feeding and changing, and then I get to sleep until 7:30am and it starts all over again. I need to go because I didn't budget for time to write this blog, nor do a see a moment to take a shower or nap, and by the way I see that I didn't feed my daughter lunch or pick the dog up from the groomer. *Sigh*

Two week old Danali

2009-08-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

Our sweet little Danali is two weeks old. We took her in for her check up and she is doing beautifully regaining her birth weight plus a couple of ounces weighing in at 6 lbs 15 ozs and 19 1/2 " long. Here are a couple of photos from her two week photo shoot. She has been such a delightful baby. We are having so much fun being her family.

We love snuggling this tiny little love.

I love her big eyes. They are so expressive. So often she will just gaze up at us with such trust and innocence that my heart swells.

I love that I was able to capture her smiling. She is our most smiley baby awake and asleep. She often smiles when Jon sings to her which makes him feel like a million bucks.

I don't want to forget a moment of her infancy so the camera is out all the time. I am feeling a small sense of panic that it is all going to go so fast, like I am going to turn around one day and gasp because she is already 4 months old, then 6, and before you know it we will be celebrating her one year birthday. I think that it is because she is our last baby and I want to savor every moment.

The Fruits of My Labor...Literally

2009-08-18T00:17:00.001-07:00

I planted my very first garden this year. Jon made me large planter boxes, I consulted with my aunt and grandma (the gardening experts in my family), I bought starts at the Poulsbo Farmer's Market, I fertilized, I watered, I loved, and in return all I got was heartbreak. My dog dug up one of my gardens three times, effectively killing my lettuce, spinach, and cucumbers. I fought slugs who launched an attack against my herb garden, my strawberries, and my string beans. Just when I though I had won the battle the birds spotted all my beautiful red strawberries and another battle was waged. The sun burnt up the majority of my sweet peas and my daughter decided to pick the flowers that would be my bell peppers. But today, today, I won the war!!! I ventured outside and guess what I found, fruits and vegetables. Ripe and beautiful. My tomato bushes are laden with big tomatoes, most green, some red, my zucchini bushes have little zucchinis on them, the bell peppers are green but growing, there are a handful of strawberries every time I check on them, and I was able to harvest a dozen peas and string beans. The crop is small but the feeling of pride is large. My kids kept saying, "we are great gardeners"! I have to agree.

2009-08-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome Danali Jean Bartlett!!
6lbs 12oz
19" Long
Born at 5:08am

Our little girl is here. She is a doll. I can't get enough of her. I love to just sit on the couch and lay her against my shoulder and nuzzle her little head and neck. She has been the easiest of my babies, so far anyway. She hardly cries, she sleeps for 3 1/2 hours at one stretch and 4 hours at another at night, and just seems so content to be in our home. The kids adore her and the dog follows her around like her little sentinel. We are so blessed.

She was sure anxious to get into this world. My water broke about 2 am on Tuesday morning, 7 hours before my scheduled induction. About 2:15 the real contractions began. I left for the hospital around 4 thinking that I was probably in for a long couple of hours of labor since Caden was born 23 hours after they broke my water and Ella 11....I was wrong. I was dialated to a 6 when they checked me, even before the IV was placed and medical bracket on, 15 minutes later they checked me again and I was at an 8, and 15 minutes later she was born. My support team (comprised of my mom and dear friend Monica) made it just 20 minutes before she was born. I'm so glad that I had them there standing along the side of me and my sweet husband. Jon was great as he coached, calmed, and encouraged me. There were a few moments of panic when I felt overwhelmed with the pain and the speed at which everything was happening but Jon just stayed focused and talked me through it. In the end, the nurse and a CNA delivered the baby 20 minutes before the doctor arrived. Danali was beautiful and healthy so they laid her against me and left the room. It was such a special feeling in the room. We just marveled at her and loved on her for an hour and a half. She nursed right away and immediately seemed to sense how wanted and cherished she was.

So life is settling down here for us. I was sick the first couple of days after delivery, not able to eat or drink much (we think it was due to all the hormonal changes) but yesterday it kind of leveled off and I started feeling stronger again. I am looking forward to starting this week. Jon has the next two weeks off so we are going to get some things done around the house plus do some fun family outings. Feel free to come snuggle on our little one if you want. I'm not one of those that stays in isolation for two weeks after a baby is born, in fact I am going a little stir crazy. Overall, life is happy, we feel overwhelmingly blessed with our beautiful baby girl and the joy and sense of completion she has brought to our family. We are so excited by the next chapter of our lives, raising these three children, and just enjoying life as a family of five.

My water broke!

2009-08-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

I have been in bed two hours and my water broke. This is such an different experience for me because both my other children were scheduled in inductions and the doctor broke my water after hours of hours of Pitocin. We are staying at home as long as possible but this baby will definitely have an August 4th birthday. Contractions are every 5 minutes apart so I am going back to bed to see if I can bank a little more sleep before the main event takes place.

How does August 4th sound for a birthday?

2009-08-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

Look at this belly. That baby is ready to come out. Tomorrow is the big day. Because of blood pressure issues they moved my induction up a day. My bags are packed, the house is clean, a detailed schedule is on the fridge for those caring for my kids, and blogging is being done. Check, check, and check.

I took a few maternity pictures of myself on Sunday to document this, my last pregnancy. I should have called in the professionals (aka Katie) but I am seriously awkward on the other end of the lens and didn't want to torture anyone with the task of photographing me. I am much bigger than I was with Ella so I am curious to see how much this baby will weigh. Caden was 6 lbs 3 oz, and Ella was 5lbs 2 ozs, so even a 7 or 8 pound baby will be quite a shock to my system. Any guesses on her weight? The ironic thing is that I have been so miserable with this pregnancy that I have just wanted it to be over. Now that I am on the eve of that happening, I am feeling a little sense of loss. I wanted so much to enjoy this pregnancy. It is the last, we worked so hard to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and I wanted to be all glowy and full of maternal bliss. Instead I have been sick the entire pregnancy (just this morning I was on the bathroom floor trying to convince my contracting stomach that there was no more food left in me to throw up and that dry heaving really didn't do anyone any good) and I starting having contractions two months ago. I am so uncomfortable and don't sleep at night and when I do I dream of the time that I will have my body all to myself again. Its odd now that I am feeling sad about it being over.

So little one, please come into this world safely. I have done all I can to get you here and we have this one last hurdle to jump together. I can't wait to meet you and hold you. Love, your mom.

T-4 Days!!

2009-08-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

I went into my doctor's office yesterday with a prepared list of reasons why I think it is time to induce labor. It was a beautifully prepared list, typed and everything, with my top 3 arguments for induction along with ideas of how we could start my labor, just in case he was fresh out of ideas of his own. I was ready thanks to two nights pouring over the internet on how to induce labor.

In the end though, the list wasn't necessary as my blood pressure was really high and the doctor was concerned about the baby's heart rate. Personally, I thought he should have read through the list just to be polite and perhaps humor me a bit, but he didn't seem so inclined when I mentioned it, in fact I'm pretty sure he thought I was joking about said list, so I casually tucked it under my hospital gown until I could slip it back in my purse unobserved.

He tried scheduling me for an induction on Monday, but apparently a lot of other ladies have lists as well, because Monday and Tuesday were booked for scheduled inductions. The earliest he could get me on the schedule was 7am Wednesday morning, with a note to the hospital that if one of the scheduled inductions delivers ahead of time they are to call me and get me induced. I did an NST on Friday and the baby's heart rate varied just as it should (I think when the doctor was listening she was being difficult just to show support for the whole 'exiting mom's body sooner rather than later plan', what a doll) and I have to do another NST on Sunday.

So, I am counting down the days. Suddenly there seems to be so much to do. Grocery shopping to be done, bedding to be washed, new born clothes that need tags removed and washed, floors that need to be vacuumed, pumping gear to be tested and readied, the list is never ending really. Is the baby going to care if any of this is done, probably not, but I can't seem to sit still even though I am exhausted. The doctor encouraged me to go into labor any time so I have upped my activity level trying to push things along but all that has happened is that I contract on and off all day which just wears me out. The MD assures me that every contraction is serving a purpose, but I think he is just pacifying me. As of Friday I was 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, that hardly seems worth the effort of contracting for the last two months!

So my friends, my next post will be laden with photos of our baby. I can't wait to meet this little person, to hold her in my arms and kiss her little baby face. I can't wait to see my husband cry and fuss over her minutes after her birth. I can't wait to introduce her to her older brother and sister and watch as my family becomes complete and whole.

What makes a rainbow...apparently a broken nose!

2009-07-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I was reading this seemingly benign book to Ella. When we were done I asked her turn off the bedroom light and she wanted me to do it. I was feeling all drowsy and pregnant so I put on my thinking cap and suggested that she hop like a bunny to the light switch. She bounced down the length of her bed, turned off the light, started hopping back, then turned and just flung herself backwards. It was so sudden and unexpected that I didn't have time to lumber out of her way. A moment later she was all indignant that I bonked the back of her incredibly hard skull with my face, more specifically my nose. I heard a sickening crack, willed myself not to pass out, and tried not to let any blood get on Ella's favorite snuggle blankie.
I stopped the bleeding and told Jon that I thought I had a broken nose. There were no tears...at that point. The pain really came when I looked in the mirror and saw this....
Do you see how bulbous and crooked my nose looks? It swings to the right. Jon kept saying, "it doesn't look that bad" and I replied, "this is my FACE, 'not that bad' isn't an option!!" It was also concerning that I couldn't breath out of one nostril. So off to the ER I went while Jon stayed behind to finish putting Caden and the little assailant (aka-Ella) to bed. The very nice doctor talked with me for a few minuets while he gently probed my nose. He asked where I thought it was broken and when I pointed to the most painful spot on my face he grabbed, pulled, and shifted with out warning. (The moment was captured by my ER buddy Monica on her cell phone. My sweet friend showed up in the ER waiting room with a Dr. Pepper and a People Magazine in hand just to keep me company). After he was done setting my nose he asked how it felt and I said that I felt like hurting him. In reality I needed a moment to pull myself together so that I didn't embarrass myself by crying in front of the cute doctor and my picture taking friend. There wasn't much they could do so they referred me to a specialist who I will follow up with on Monday. Sleep was a little uncomfortable last night but okay and today the swelling is down and the bruising is really minimal. You can see that there is some bruising across my nose and I have a small black eye on the left but really I can't complain about looking too injured. What I can complain about is the fact that my nose now has a bump. Again, Jon tried to console me by saying that is really isn't that noticeable and I again reminded him that this is my NOSE not my ear, or a knobbly finger, but the center piece of my face, and I want my smooth ski jump like nose back, not a ski jump nose with a mogul. Not to mention that my nostrils are different shapes and sizes now. I'm so nervous that since the swelling isn't that bad that what I'm looking at is what I'm stuck with. I guess we will see. So I guess the moral of the story is to be careful of your bedtime reading material because you never know what cute little woodland creature based story will land you in the ER at midnight.

Running out of room....

2009-07-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

So it has come to my attention that there are not many photos of me on our family blog pregnant. For those of you who have harassed and teased that I am camera shy and unwilling to document my changing belly here are a few photos that clearly show off the the "baby bump". Although at 8 months pregnant it is hardly a bump. In fact when the doctor said that I may have up to 6 weeks left of the pregnancy I just kept thinking, "I am out of room!!" I can feel this baby from pelvis to rib cage. I feel like my stomach is in my neck and my hips are barley clearing door ways. I guess the only option is out, and out, and out...oh boy. At this point I am intrigued and awed by the pregnant body.
I really don't mind being full and round aesthetically, I think the pregnant body is adorable...on other women. Because when it is you, you have to not only look pregnant, you have to feel pregnant. The lack of pictures is more an indicator that I am always holding the camera, not that I don't
want to document the process of bigger and bigger yet. The clothing options get more limited and you will notice that the curling iron is pulled out less and less often, but to those who have razzed me (and you know who you are) I will do better about making sure that I am more present in our family blog.

Here I am at 6 months, hair down and looking reasonably comfortable. Little does this Shama know what is waiting for her two months down the line.

Summer Events Calender

2009-07-06T21:59:00.001-07:00

If anyone is interested I made up a calender of mostly free events including: festivals, fairs, concerts, movies and other summer activities here in Kitsap County through the months of July and August. I went to a bunch of web sites and looked through my "Kitsap Adventures" book (the 2009-2010 edition is on sale at Costco for $12) to put the calender together. It only contains the things I thought might be interesting to my family but there is something to do nearly every day of the week. The things on the Sunday slots are just ideas for the week that you could fill in on any day. Just click on the calender and it should become full screen so you can print it out. Let me know if you have any problems or if you don't understand my abbreviations.

The Fourth and Fun in the Sun!!

2009-07-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

We had a great fourth of July in Tacoma with the Anderson Family. We spent the weekend boating, bike riding, and carnival going. We were at an event called "Freedom Festival" on Fort Lewis. It was a big carnival with food vendors, bounce houses, and an amazing fireworks show.
The bounce houses were by far the kid's favorite feature of the day, although it was REALLY HOT. They would run and jump and come out beet red and sweaty yet ready for more. Kids are crazy. I would find the shadiest spot possible and nurse my ice cold water as I kept track of all the shoes and made sure the kids were well hydrated and sun screened. Jon, on the other hand, had to help Ella through some of the larger bounce houses. Bless his heart. I can only imagine the smell of dozens of sticky, sweating, children bouncing off vinyl walls and smashing into each other.

This was Ella's favorite bounce house. Mainly because it was the little kid one and practically unused. She felt like ruler of the roost, which suits her just fine.

We have also enjoyed lots of time in the front yard pools. We bought a new one before I could find the one from last year so we now have two. The kids think it is the coolest to jump between the two pools. I have the fondest memories of summers spent getting wrinkly from hours spent in our back yard pool. It occured to me that my kids are going to have the same memories and it made me feel so connected to my mom. It took me nearly two hours to clean out last year's pool, find the compressor to blow up the two pools, set up the "wash the grass off your feet before jumping in the pool" tarp, get out the lawn chairs, apply the sun screen, and prepare snacks for the day so that the kids could eat out side thereby tracking in the least amount of water and grass. By the time I was done I was exhausted and happy to just sit in my lawn chair and watch them "swim" and show me their "awesome moves". As I sat there I felt so grateful to my mother who too thought all the energy and fuss was worth the memories made in a back yard pool.

This is one of Caden's "awesome"

moves and this is Ella "swimming".

It really has been such a fun summer so far. I was nervous that me being 8 months pregnant would limit our summer fun but as long as I plan an activity every day the kids seem happy and the day doesn't drag on. Even if it is just a small thing like finger painting the back deck then hosing it off after ward and playing in the water or going to the park and playing and having a picnic. Thank goodness for all this beautiful sun shine!

There is no end in sight...

2009-06-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

So I had what I believed to be my 35-36 week OB appointment tonight with the idea that I would have the baby by the end of July firmly in my mind and they moved my due date back by 10 days. 10 DAYS!!! I have been saying I'm due August 6th for the last 7 months based on the date of an early ultra sound and the first day of my last period. It all added up and no one contradicted me. Not once. They would often comment on how the due date on my chart was changed a few times but it really just wasn't discussed. TONIGHT however the doctor was very clear on the fact that I am 33 weeks and 2 days with a due date of August 16th. Are you kidding me?! I argued with what I considered solid and infallible facts but in the end, I lost. He pulled out an ultra sound that I had at 6 weeks and 4 days which he said was accurate within 3 days of telling how far along I was in the pregnancy. I lay there willing myself not to cry. I must have looked quite desperate because he did try to appease me by reassuring me that it wasn't an indicator of when I would deliver but more a measure of how long we will take firm steps towards keeping me pregnant (I am having some pre-term labor and blood pressure issues).

I know that in the grand scheme of things 10 days isn't really a big deal but I feel like I have been pregnant FOREVER!!! I got pregnant last summer and lost the baby at the end of my first trimester. We waited two months and got pregnant again. So my body and my mind have been focused on pregnancy for over a year now. What am I an elephant?!

I want my body back. The little alien who has co-habited with me these last 33 weeks and 2 days has reeked havoc on every part of my body. The morning sickness still hits about once a week and I have contractions if I exert the smallest amount of physical energy.

I should point out that the baby is doing really well. She is healthy and strong and seems quite content to reside in my pelvis, contracting or not. I know that that SHOULD be the focus of this post. I SHOULD be gushing with gratitude, especially since Caden and Ella struggled to thrive during the pregnancy, but I honestly can't get over the idea that I could still be pregnant 7 weeks from now. 7 weeks! All summer- when they are predicting one of the hottest summers we've had in 5 years, when I have run out of maternity clothes weeks ago, when Caden's birthday is August 21st and my anniversary August 15th, when I have a photography business that I can't wait to get back to, when I am aching to just meet this little soul and hold her, when it is torturing my kids to hear about a baby that never seems to come...I could go on but I am getting a little closer to tears the more I write.

It is time to put on a happy face because my sweet husband is offering me everything from a back rub to air conditioning in an attempt to console my hormonal craziness. He so wants to ease my suffering and he is so sweet and sincere that I need to reassure him that I am totally up for whatever comes, 4 weeks, 7 weeks, I'm game, but just between you and me, I AM SO NOT GAME.

Good Bye West Family!!!

2009-06-29T22:13:00.001-07:00

We are so sad to see you go. Your family has enriched so many of our lives. We have laughed with you, cried with you, and loved you these last 4 years. Danae and Brian you are such an amazing couple. Funny and down to earth. You are true friends. You stand loyal and willing to fulfill whatever need arises. I can't count the number of times I called at the last minute to drop a kid off or to swipe an ingredient for dinner. I felt more secure in my world knowing you were just a street away. Which is why this site brought tears to my eyes...

...but not as many tears as I'm sure the 6 occupants of this vehicle will shed over the next 1400 miles as they travel from Washington to Denver.

I am not the only one who shed tears today. After the expedition pulled away I went into the house and found Caden crying. He just kept say, "I want my friend back". It was heart breaking. All I could say was, "me too buddy, me too". My kids are losing some of their favorite play mates. I loved having these kids here. Ethan is so creative and always comes up with activities for the troupe to engage in. Olivia is such a little mommy. She is loving and always knows what is going on with everyone around her. Little Kai...such a funny bug. He is the sweetest dare devil you will ever meet. I have loved watching our kids grow up together. It is such a rare gift to find a family where the parents and children mesh so well. I cherished while we had it.

Silverdale 6th ward has been the softest place to land these last four years for so many of us. We have walked with one another through some of the most difficult trials we have ever faced. We were able to create a sense of community that was loving, accepting, and strengthening, but most of all just joyful. I have watched family after family move on these last two months and I know that more families are getting ready to leave. But today as I watched the West's pull away I had an opportunity to really reflect on how lucky we've all been to have been together for as long as we were. In the midst of the sadness I felt, there was a feeling of intense gratitude. Thank you to the Wests, the Fyffes, the Hawkes, the Roystons, the Nelsons, the Durbens, the Marks, and all the other families of 6th ward who have moved on but made these last years such a wonderful place to call home.

Vegas Baby!

2009-06-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

With baby #3 on the way Jon and I thought that it would be wise to get away for some couple time. We have been married almost 11 years now and no matter our circumstance we have always managed to take a trip each year just the two of us. I fear that with three children, those days are numbered. So off to Vegas to went. The plane ride is only 2 1/2 hours long, the pool is just an elevator ride down, and room service only a button away so it seemed like an appropriate get away for a women who is 8 months pregnant.

We went to see Phantom at the Venetian while we were there. It was very well done. The costumes and set were amazing.

You can see how very pregnant I am becoming. I think my favorite thing about being on vacation is taking a nap when ever I felt like it. We would come in from the 90 degree heat every afternoon to a room comfortably air conditioned to 66 degrees, climb under the down comforter and know that the phone wasn't going to ring, nor would a child come in to demand food or tattle on a sibling. We would snuggle down and I would sleep for an hour or so and Jon would watch Soccer or read a book. It was bliss.

We stayed at Caesars Palace which was beautiful but so far from everything! I guess it was good that we had to walk a half a mile to anything because we sampled different buffets every day, and let me say, Vegas buffets do not disappoint. Even with all that walking we both gained a few pounds in the week we were gone.

This is a picture of the Forum Shops in Caesars Place. I always marvel at how elaborate and ornate everything is in Vegas.

Who Knew?

2009-06-10T09:23:00.001-07:00

So we are switching internet providers and the new company said it will be 3-6 days until service is restored. I have waited three days and got a call this morning that they don't have our address on their data base and they would have to come out to register us before they could issue an order for the install. So, it will be another 3-6 days after they register us!!!! I had no idea how dependent I was on the internet. Yesterday I needed a phone number and had to comb the house for over 20 mins trying to find an old phone book. I sit down repeatedly to check my bank account balance, check my e-mail, order business cards, check my blog my web site, and two seconds after I sit down my heart sinks and I feel a little bit alone and isolated in the world. When did my life go so digital that a phone book is antiquated? So here I sit, in Danae's office, getting my digital fix. I am counting down the days until I am connected again...I could spend the time writing cards, calling, reaching out in a personal way, but in the end I know I will just wait out the 3-6 days and drop a quick e-mail. Talk to you in 3-6 days.

I have give birth!!!

2009-06-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

It was a labor of love several months in the making. It was challenging and often just plain frustrating but I am now the proud mama of my very own photography web site. It is still a work in progress but here it is:

www.momentsphotos.net

I had no idea how difficult it is to put together a web site. There is the creative side of it, which you would think would be the easier task, but with choosing from 1000's of fonts for your logo, an endless options of backdrops for your web page, brushes, stamps, fading in and out options, gallery set up, then picking the photos that you think best represent your style, well it wasn't the easier portion by a mile. I would settle on one color palette, backdrop, and font type that felt like me and start building the site, then get two weeks into it and decide that it just didn't feel right and start all over again. It is like trying on outfit after outfit and wondering if what you've chosen will get you booted to the "worst dressed list". Your web site is the first introduction of your work and personal style that you make to THE WORLD and I was beginning to wonder if I had a personal style.

When I finally did pick a style that I felt comfortable representing me, there was the technical side of putting it all together. I am not a techie. I have a husband who is and would lend support when my lap top was in danger of being flung out the window (it is a brand new pretty little machine called the Mac Book Pro but I have never worked on a mac and there was definitely a learning curve to add to my stress) but I was determined to learn how to create and manage the web site for myself. There were tears, tantrums, and almost some curse words, but in the end I awarded myself an honorary "junior techie" award.

So take a look the fruits of my labor.