I was watching a show this week and one of the characters said, "Do you know what happens to a star when it burns out? It doesn't just stop shining, it turns into a black hole". It put into words something that I have struggled with for years. When I was a child there were a few things that I knew for sure. My parents loved me and I felt safe and secure in my world because of that knowledge. I knew them. I knew what their very souls felt like. I knew what they stood for, what they believed in, and what values they built our family upon. They were these bright shiny stars who lit and guided our lives. As I grew up I began to see them more as three dimensional beings, flawed but trying, and I was okay with that because I still recognized their light. But when I was a teenager, I was shattered. There were choices made that shocked me. There were deeds brought to light that had no place in the universe they created for me. Nothing made sense. Suddenly there was no order, no safety, no constants in this world for me. One parent tried to keep themselves in the orbit of values that had guided them through this life and tried to focus on an eternal trajectory but the other, well the other didn't. I watched and mourned as that parent's light got dimmer and dimmer until it not only went out, but turned into an enveloping darkness that made their very essence unrecognizable to me. They became a black hole. It haunted me. I pictured this beautiful, bright, pure soul, trapped and screaming for release from the blackness, but staying imprisoned until his mortal life ended.
In my adult life, I have witnessed from afar and walked closely with friends who's lives too have been shattered because someone they loved traded their light for darkness. Sometimes I have rejoiced becuase the loved on faught against the darkness and found their light again, but in other cases, the darkness won. In every instance though, I ask myself the same question, WHY? Most of the time the obvious answer is sin. They lost their moral compass and enveloped themselves in the darkness of sin and didn't know how to shake it off. I went to bed last night ruminating on how sin can not only destroy the light of the person committing it, but destroy everyone around them, like a black hole. And then I had a dream. I dreamt that I was a little girl riding in the back seat of a car with my parents in the front. Everything was warm and light and I felt so safe in the knowledge that my parents would guide me home. Then I started dreaming about another little girl, one who's world is currently being torn apart. In my dream, we were in a field and she was crying that she didn't understand why her family wasn't a family anymore, and just sobbing that she wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I was holding her and explaining to her that one of her parents just forgot who they were. And she kept saying, "how could he forget, how could he forget"?? In my dream we were both children and in our innocence neither of us could understand how grown ups could forget a truth that is so simple and so complete: we are children of God and he loves us. We didn't understand how the adults in our lives could forget the feeling of being enveloped by His love, it would be like forgetting what it's like to have gravity hold you to the ground. We were both heart broken, not at the parent's actions, but by the loss of understanding. How could they forget their greatness? Their divinity? It was baffling that they didn't know the truth any longer and devastating that the loss of that knowledge would have eternal repercussions.
When I woke up, I was shaken with a new understanding. I always thought that sin created the blackness that tore apart my family, and so many other families, but it is just a symptom. The blackness comes from forgetting who you are. I have been pondering this all morning and I realized that anything that dims your light- anger, depression, hopelessness, fear, insecurity, uncertainty, feelings of worthlessness-all come from the same place, from that same lack of knowledge. We are loved. We are cherished. We are never forgotten, never abandoned. God placed within us His own divinity. Each of us radiate with our own unique gifts and talents. We can lift one another up. We can create life and love unconditionally. We have the strength within us to forgive, to have compassion, to provide hope for another. We have purpose. We have the capacity to learn and to grow and to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
We were created to shine.
Lord, please help me to hold the darkness at bay so that I can be the light that guides my family home. Please help me remember who I am at times when I feel weak and small. Please help me see the light in others and help them see it in themselves. Please help me be more than I am.
Pleae help me shine.
