Season's end

I am exhausted! December flew by in such a flurry that I barley had time to catch my breath. I realize that it has been a month sense my last blog and even as I sit here I lack the energy to be at all witty, at all patient as I try to down load photos and put them in place with captions, or at all interesting in what my family is up to. Alas, I am posting my family Christmas letter to recap the year and my next bog will be full of clever commentary, loads of adorable photos, and riveting in the action packed lives of the Bartlett family.

Bartlett Family Christmast Letter 2008:

I love mornings like these. It is 8am on a Saturday and my family still slumbers. I came down stairs to get a drink of water but I was drawn in by the beauty of the sun streaming through the kitchen windows and the wind wipping at the trees. The leaves are tumbling in every direction and I can tell that if I ventured out side it would chill me to the bone. So here I sit at my bright bay windows in blissful solitude, nursing my Orange Delight herbal tea, listening to Christmas music and loving that it is one of those perfect winter mornings in Washington.
It has been two years since our last Christmas letter and so much has happened in those 24 little months. Caden isn’t a cherubic baby anymore, he is still a little angle, but he does it in a growing boy sort of way. At 5 years and two weeks he started all day Kindergarten. It was a tough decision for us, but after two years of preschool and consulting with his pre-K teacher, he was excitedly buying school supplies with the rest of his friends last fall. His teacher is wonderful. His name is Mr. Mike, which seems to Caden to be as important a nugget of information as his own name. The other day when he was introduced to a number of strangers he said, “hi, my name is Caden. I am in kindergarten and my teacher’s name is Mr. Mike”...enough said. It has been a big transition for him. He loves being home but he also loves school. He is learning so much. It floors me that two months ago he sat quietly as we read to him and now he is reading and telling us when he spots “A/B” patterns in the world around him. His reading and memorization skills dazzle us. He has some hardships too that break my heart a little. I used to carefully control every detail of his environment, now he spends 6 hours a day picking up phrases that get him scolded at home and fending for himself in an environment that doesn’t always understand how amazingly good and wonderful he is. He is adored by all his class mates at church and at school. He is still a big snuggle bug and tells us how much he loves us. Being in his presence reminds us that such goodness and gentleness resides here on this earth. He is delighted by Christmas this year. He is enthralled by the magic and sweetness of the season. When he saw our house all lit up he said, “this is the best Christmas ever!!” When we got our first flurries of snow, again, “this is the best Christmas ever!!” When he came down stairs one morning to find all the presents wrapped and under our beautiful tree he said, you guessed it, “this is the best Christmas ever!!” His wonderment has made Jon and I feel the spirit of the season more than we ever have in our adult lives.
Ella is all confidence and self reliance. She started preschool this year and on her first day (as I nervously hovered in the hall way expecting some tears as I left) she stalked into the class room and excitedly declared, “mom, look at all my friends!” That is the world to her, just a big place full of strangers she has yet to turn into friends. Her self reliance shows up in everything she does. From dressing, to cooking, to bathing; we hear from her constantly, “I do it myself”. I can tell that she is going to be our little mommy, my right hand lady. Already I can ask her to do simple tasks and she accomplishes them with such pride and eagerness to be useful that my heart swells. Coupled with all that strength is a lot of softness. She is quick with hugs and kisses and “I love you”. She is so grateful for all the small things. Yesterday, I was making her a cup of cocoa and she hugged the can of whipped cream and said, “creamy, I love creamy. Mommy, you making me cocoa with creamy. You so nice.” She speaks very well for her age so we hear the funniest things from her mouth. She will logic out a situation and come up solutions that seem iron clad to her 2 ½ year old brain. We have seen the biggest messes from this little girl. Like the morning I slept in and came down stairs to find her stirring a pot with an entire jar of sugar, half a bag of rice, and two smashed bananas in it. She turned around beaming and said, “I making breakfast”. Thank heavens she hasn’t learned how to turn on the stove. I have to believe that she has a purpose behind all of her messes but there are days I am sure her object is to cap off the terrible two’s with a capital “T”. In the end I think that she is just incredibly curious and inventive. The world is this big wonderful place to her and she wants to participate in every facet of it. She is energy, love, joy, sweetness, and strength all rolled into this beautiful little package.
Jon and I have had our share of heartbreak over the last 24 months. We have had two miscarriages, lost my father, his mother, my grandmother and his, and buried two uncles still in their prime. It has been devastating watching helplessly as our world keeps being thrown into turmoil. I have to say that at times we just felt confused and upset with the Lord, not understanding His will and desires for us, but there were other times of intense clarity and acceptance. We look at our family with renewed reverence. They are a sacred gift. We are so blessed to have each other and there really isn’t anything else in this world that deserves to take precedence over the importance of our family unit. We try to honor the moments of peace and happiness with our full attention because the last 24 months have taught us that they may not last. We have also learned how much strength we find in our extended family and circle of friends. We have wonderful people in our lives who lift us up, provide us with joy and laughter, and make the journey through this part of our lives rich and full.
Along the bumps and bruises of these last years there have been great adventures and lots of fun. Jon and I went to Mexico with two other couples to celebrate our 9 year wedding anniversary where we indulged in snorkeling, parasailing, zip lining, lovely dinners out, and the highlight was spending and afternoon petting and feeding monkeys. We went to Vegas several times where we basically enjoyed swimming, ordering room service, and catching a variety of shows. We took a family trip to Utah at the beginning of the year to visit some friends and smaller trips to the ocean and the tri-cities. Jon is managing the Walmart pharmacy in our area but is finding retail pharmacy unfulfilling. He has several alternative plans in the works that he will put into action this spring. Jon loves spending his evenings helping the kids with their homework, wrestling with them, teaching them in every moment he can, and generally being the best dad. His favorite past time and theirs is to snuggle up with a pile of books. In particular he loves watching Caden grow as a reader. It is wonderful to see him come downstairs swelling with pride after bedtime stories over the new word Caden has learned to read. He remains their favorite playmate and friend. He has also started playing soccer again, a hobby he was truly delighted to rediscover. I have enjoyed developing as a photographer this last year. I was able to go to a convention in Nashville this last summer and am planning on attending another this winter. I am doing photo shoots nearly every week in preparation of launching my “Moments Photography” web site after the first of the year. It gives me a creative outlet that is all my own, something I think all moms and wives crave. I have been serving as the primary president for the last year and a half and enjoy the challenge of that calling. I am learning to multitask like never before. Recently I started wading into the world of blogging. So if you want to peek into the Bartlett family’s little life moments you are welcomed to view our blog at www.jonandshamabartlett.blogspot.com . If you have a family web site let me know. It has been such a great way to keep in contact with our family and friends.
My home no longer slumbers and breakfast demands are being made. I want to say again how much we love all of you. How you enrich our lives and although we have been negligent on keeping in good contact with many of you, we adore you, we think of you, and cherish our relationships with you. May you delight in this holiday season as only a five year old does.
Happy Holidays!
The Bartletts: Jon, Shama, Caden, and Ella.

PS: I would be remiss not to mention the newest addition to our family, our dog Smidgen. He is the only competition for Jon’s role as favorite play mate to our children. Although I want to curse at him on the days he escapes our yard and revels in sweet freedom, he really is a good little dog and has been a wonderful first pet for our family

One year ago today...

One year ago today my world fell apart. My sense of order and stability in life was shaken and my sense of security completely gone. One year ago today I was mourning the loss of my father. We had a beautiful relationship when I was a kid. He was my hero, my greatest champion. He let me know that his world revolved around his children. As I became an adult his luster dimmed and he made choices which would break my heart and cause a rift between us which will have to be repaired in the life to come. One year ago today I was exhausted from a month long vigil in the intensive care unit holding his hand until he took his final breaths. I remember counting them that last night. 15 per second. 10 per second. 7 per second. I let go of his hand long after there was no need to count.
One year ago today it was snowing. I remember that I was putting away dishes and listening to Anne Murray on the radio when the phone rang. My mother in law had a massive heart attack and was on life support until Jon and I could make it to her side to say good bye. I remember sitting on my kitchen floor and not wanting to get up because I knew that the next thing I had to do was going to break my husband's heart. One year ago today I went out to the garage and held him and felt numb from shock. One year ago today I held her hand and counted her last breaths. There were only two after the doctor turned off the machines. She didn't fight, she was ready.
After my father died I felt his spirit. Peaceful and sad. I said to him all the things I couldn't say in life knowing that he would finally understand how I felt. Judy's spirit lingered as well. It felt different. She was full of joy. It was so odd to be holding Jon and his father and feeling such sorrow between us when she was nearby, full of excitement.
One year ago today was only the beginning. There were trials that I never thought I would have to face, at least not at the tender age of 30. It was only one year ago today that I started a journey of strength and weakness. There were these moments of intense sadness and confusion which torn me to shambles but in the rubble of it all there were these nuggets of hard earned faith. I am still in the midst of it, still growing and sifting for nuggets, but I think I'm okay. I may come out of the refiners fire stronger rather than just incredible burned.
So today, in this moment, I will remember where I was one year ago today. I will remember my dad, and Judy, and how losing them brought me pain and strength. I will remember how each of the trials that followed that night have done the same. And I will look forward to who I will be a year from now.

An Odd Phenomenon

The down stairs at 11:00am

I have spent the last few days engrossed in learning how to use my new photo editing program (thank you Katie and Danae for hours of instruction!!!) so the house hasn't received my full attention. As a result the laundry piled up, the dishes multiplied, and the leaves in the house were nearly as plentiful as the leaves out side, not to mention I dropped Caden off at school in pajamas two days running. So today when the house was at its pinnacle of messiness and my personal appearance was reminiscent of the grunge age of the 90's, I got four visitors. From 11:00am to 1:30pm the door bell never stopped ringing. After I washed dishes, vacuumed the floor, returned scattered toys to the toy room, hauled load after load of laundry up and down the stairs, showered, curled my hair, and applied a smidgen of make up...you guessed it, not one visitor. Danae noted this odd phenomenon. When your home embarrasses you all your friends, neighbors, visiting teachers, and kids selling over priced wrapping paper are mysteriously drawn to your home. When a magazine cover could be shot in your living room not a soul can be found. What's up with that?

The house from 1:30pm on.

A moment of clarity

"Be still and know that I am God". It struck me this morning like a ton of bricks. I have been struggling with some things in my life, trying to find answers and feeling more lost then before I asked the questions. For months now I have just felt so confused. I am at a cross road in my life and I don't know which path to choose. I kept asking God to show the way he wants me to go and in response to my query He kept impressing upon my heart that He loves me, and while I found that comforting, I wanted more. I felt frustrated that God wasn't giving me all I felt I needed, wasn't guiding me in the way I wanted Him to. So I asked a good friend to give me a blessing, hoping that God would reveal His intentions for me through another source, and again the message was that I am loved.
This morning I was making breakfast like I do every day. The kids were reading stories in the background, I had the primary CD playing, and the sun was shining for the first time in days. There was this moment where I just felt complete contentment and joy. I love my life. My family is happy and healthy, I am happy and healthy. That is all I needed. In that small space of total gr attitude came the answer that had been there all along. "Be still and know that I am God".
Be still. Not a small request of me. But it was only in that moment of mental and emotional stillness that I felt more clarity then I have felt for a long time. Its interesting that you get answers when you stop badgering the Lord with questions. He gives us all we need, always. The challenge isn't getting God to answer our prayers, it is accepting the answer. In this case, I think my answer is to quiet all the turmoil inside of me. Let it go. Stop seeking answers and direction and just be still.
Know that I am God. Again, not a small feat. I know that He is God, but what I really think He is asking me to do is to trust Him. In this moment I am so grateful that I am not in charge of it all.
My life continues to move forward and my only job is to live it to the best of my ability, not to force it to take a particular direction, not to agonize over where I am in relationship to where God wants me to be. Just trust Him. No one likes a back seat driver, and I'm sure God is the same way. So when I get the inclination to say, "okay God, where are we? I am going to need to know the final destination and the route you intend to take before I can sit back and enjoy the ride" I am going to remind myself that He is the master navigator and I am just learning how to unfold the map.
So, I here I am, not really knowing where my life is going to take me but completely at peace with that. I am still. I am going to trust in the Lord and enjoy the ride.
Thank you for the blessing Brian.

Single Mom Sundays are not for Wimps

A few weeks ago Jon had to work and I was stuck taking the kids to church alone. They were driving me nuts and since it looks bad to beat your children in the house of the Lord I gave them my camera as a distraction. The following pictures are the result.

Anyone recognize their sunday shoes?

First Day of School

Ella started her first year of preschool this year. I expected some trepidation or intimidation her first day and was all prepared to give my "A" game pep talk. What I got was her running excitedly into her class room and saying to me "look at all my friends!!!" I love that confidence. A stranger is someone she hasn't turned into a friend yet. She is thriving. Caden started all day kindergarten this year. I was nervous about him being gone for 6 solid hours. I don't know if I was worried for him or me, all I know is that I barely slept the few nights leading up to the first day of school. In the end he adjusted so well that I had no choice but to follow in his 5 year old foot steps.

Catching Up:

I can't believe it is already the last week of September! We had a great summer. I went to New York for 8 days and visited my good friend Michelle in June. I went to several Broadway shows, ate at great little restaurants where you paid more for the ambiance and the fact that it was THE place to be rather than the food you were served, shopped till my heart was content in China Town, soaked in the historical significance of Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty, basked in the beauty and vastness of Central Park, wandered through the Metropolitan Museum and marveled at the talent of artists from generations past and present, and loved every moment of solitude that I found. One day I walked to Central Park with my journal in hand and just felt so alive and connected to nature and God and at peace with my place in this world. That same day I tucked my journal under my arm and walked to a diner at 1am just to get a cup of really amazing soup. New York agreed with me. The pace, the people, the variety, the culture, I loved it all.
July was spent in water and sun. We went camping and to Eastern Washington for a wedding and family get togethers.
August was the month of birthday's and anniversaries. Caden turned 5 on the 21st. We had a big Jedi party for him. He is such a delight and joy. I can't get over the sweetness, kindness, and compassion of his soul. I am blessed to be his mom. Also in August, Jon and I had our big decade anniversary. We went to Las Vegas together for a long weekend to celebrate 10 years of wedded bliss. We went to shows, ordered room service, watched The Office on DVD in the most luxuriously comfortable bed you have ever felt, lounged by the pool reading all the good gossip magazines, and enjoyed recounting and recording the highlights of the last ten years together and setting goals for the next ten. It was wonderful to just be with him with no agenda except enjoying one another's company. We ended the summer with a family reunion at Zion's camp. It is a great place to camp. We invited to West family to join us so that our kids would have play mates. We enjoyed doing archery, playing volleyball, water activities, making smores around the camp fire, and playing with our kids at the park.
So I breath a sigh of contentment over a summer well spent and happily welcome fall.

Happiness is....

Learning how to dance... and feeling very shy about it.

Happiness is playing with two week old puppies...

Watching your cousin exchange wedding vows with his perfect match...

Spending time with your cousins....

Contemplating life at sunset... Having hair that is long enough for really cute pig tails... Giving your daddy big squeezes....
And a home made slip in slide with your favorite friend!!

A realization and clarification

It is 7am and my entire house slumbers. I do not because I had a midnight snack that consisted of spicy nacho cheese sauce, a liberal portion of oinons, a little avacodo, topped off with a beautiful vine ripened tomato, and now I have killer heart burn that threatens to erupt when ever I lay down. A couple of tums later and sitting up for a while and I will return to the opionon that that was the best midnight snack ever and totally worth the morning heart burn. It wasn't healthy but it was stinkin delicious!
After reading through my last blog I realized two things: 1. it was entirely too long, so sorry. When I sit down at my computer to write my fingers just start flying across the key board spilling out whatever thought happens to be in my head at that moment. I can tell that this will probably be my blogging MO. I will strive for short paragraphs colored with lots of photos and cute antedotes about being a mom to my childern and a wife to my husband, but I make no garuntees. 2. I want to clarify my position on having another baby. Its not that I'm opposed to having another child. In fact Jon and I would welcom the news that we are expecting with joy and great anticipation. It's that the baby monster lives dormant in side of me. Its funny how that monster can come to life in a second. Six years ago I was merrily skipping down a path of education and home ownership with my husband at my side feeling quite content with life. Then one day church I heard a lesson and a sentence was said that pierced my heart. A father lost his 6 year old daughter and he said that the light in his heart went out. The beast was awakened. I felt a longing to love a child that much so intensely that it was eclipsed by the fact that Jon and I were in the middle of buying our first home, we weren't done with our educational programs, and we only had student health insurance. My arms suddenly felt empty without the warm weight of a baby in them and our lives seemed so incomplete and small without the focus of a child. During that time there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to satisfy that longing. I don't feel that driving desperation this time around. I am excited to meet this spirit that I feel is bound to our family. When I reach the other side I want to look at my family and sigh with contentment that we are complete.
I love the destination of having three children, for that matter I would love four or five. I just don't enjoy the journey getting there. Well, I like the first part (wink wink). Its the same as when you go on a road trip. You go to the gas station to fill up on fuel and snacks. You pack the car with fun activities, your favorite movies, and arm yourself with a bevy of car games. But a few hours into the trip you have a tummy ache from too many peanut butter M&M's, you are no longer interested in finding license plates from other states or identifying an object in 20 questions or less, you just want to go to sleep and wake up when you get there. That's how I feel about getting and staying pregnant and navegating through pregnancies labled "high risk". There are a lot of fun moments during those nine months but there are also a lot of moments when I just want to wake up when all the drama and potential trauma is over.
Again, I will work on the photo front and try to reign in my lengthy mental ramblings.

My 1st Blog

I am a blogging virgin and this being my first blog I am feeling a bit of pressure to make it interesting. Unfortunately, I don't know what tid bits of information the public will find interesting about my family. We are a pretty ordinary bunch. Add that to the fact my back grounds (are they even called that or are they wall papers or boarders??) won't be anything amazing and you will get sick of the photos I post because I probably won't be great about changing them, you will have a recipe for a quite forgettable blog. With that disclaimer in place and your expectations so low I suddenly feel quite free to write whatever I want.

On Monday I went to my OBGYN to get my blood levels drawn. Jon and I have been on the baby making band wagon for like 15 months and one miscarriage and lot negative PG tests later (really I ought to just buy stock in First Response, at least then I could justify peeing on a stick every month, let me honest, usually twice a month) and I decided to get proactive. Mary (my favorite nurse in Dr. Christen's office) calls to tell me that not only am I not pregnant but my hormone levels resemble those of a pre-menopausal women. Let me inform you that I am 30. This means more testing and medical intervention if my sweet husband and I are to conceive. It sucks. I'm not sad about it. Really I'm quite impressed with how resilient I feel getting a double whammy of "your not with child and by the way you have about as much hope of carring a child as your mother". More than anything I am feeling tested.

When I was pregnant with Ella (my beautiful busy little 2 year old) I announced that this would be our last baby. We had a healthy little boy (my sweet lovable Caden) a girl on the way and Jon and I felt good about being a complete family of four. God had other plans for us. I have felt repeatedly, sometimes quite poignantly, that there is another spirit for our family. Pregnancy isn't easy on my body. I have a heart condition that makes the whole process a little risky and time consuming. As an added bonus, I have morning sickness that makes me feel like I want to die. Needless to say I began bargaining with the Lord. I pointed out that a spirit could come to our family in a variety of ways and that I was open to all the possibilities. And he remained obstinately silent on how to proceed.

A year I prayed to know if I was suppose to try to get pregnant or to just be aware of other avenues and for a year all I got was that our eternal family isn't complete yet. Jon and I decided that the timing was as good as it was going to get to torture our family with another pregnancy so we threw out the birth control and got a nice pink plus sign. It all felt so right, and I have to say that I was feeling quite pleased with my self for being such an obedient daughter of God when I really didn't want to be. Gold star for me topped with eternal brownie points.

Then I miscarried. Physically, it was exhausting and painful. Emotionally, well I just felt so confused and a little betrayed. That started a new dimension to my relationship with God. Almost a power struggle between me wanting control in my life and Him asking for my faith and submission. I would like to say that we have come to some sort of resolve in our relationship but He and I are still struggling. The 10 months that have followed that miscarriage have been the hardest of my life. It has only been one part of the tapestry of sorrow that has been sown this last year in my life and those around me. I feel like I am being broken down. But I trust that it is all being done in wisdom and with divine purpose.

So here I am, with defective ovaries and a call to bear more children. To God, I say, bring it on. If my level of obedience is being tested, then again I say, bring it on. I will not fail to jump through what ever hoop is put in front of me even if feel I lack the energy to jump. I don't know if being abstinent in my conversations with the almighty is a wise idea, but it is how I feel right now. (If you want to read a blog posted by others much more spiritually advanced than me, I totally understand. Just forward them to me and maybe I will learn how to be a more humble child of God thereby saving myself a lot of unnecessary grief ). I just want to prove to God that no matter how weak I feel, how deficient I feel, I will walk down whatever path He puts in front of me with as much purpose and grace as I can, even if I have to claw my way to the end. I want to show Him that I am obedient even when I am annoyed with Him.

Summer Swimming Can't be Beat!

We are loving this summer weather. This is the first year that we can get both our children in the pool with out tears and tantrums. A few summers ago, our fearless little water monkey, Caden, got over confident and had a few water related scares. From that he developed a healthy fear of water any deeper than his nightly bath. We tried swim lessons to help him get over his fears but he would only put his feet in the water and refused to leave the pool steps. So we are totally stoked that he let my Aunt Shana (yeah, that's right, her name is Shana and mine is Shama. Our family lacks reason) take him around the pool. The next day he was wading around holding onto the side all by himself.

A you can see Ella has no fear.
Look how cute my sweet Jon is. You will notice that there isn't a photo of me in the pool, that isn't by mistake.