My 1st Blog

I am a blogging virgin and this being my first blog I am feeling a bit of pressure to make it interesting. Unfortunately, I don't know what tid bits of information the public will find interesting about my family. We are a pretty ordinary bunch. Add that to the fact my back grounds (are they even called that or are they wall papers or boarders??) won't be anything amazing and you will get sick of the photos I post because I probably won't be great about changing them, you will have a recipe for a quite forgettable blog. With that disclaimer in place and your expectations so low I suddenly feel quite free to write whatever I want.

On Monday I went to my OBGYN to get my blood levels drawn. Jon and I have been on the baby making band wagon for like 15 months and one miscarriage and lot negative PG tests later (really I ought to just buy stock in First Response, at least then I could justify peeing on a stick every month, let me honest, usually twice a month) and I decided to get proactive. Mary (my favorite nurse in Dr. Christen's office) calls to tell me that not only am I not pregnant but my hormone levels resemble those of a pre-menopausal women. Let me inform you that I am 30. This means more testing and medical intervention if my sweet husband and I are to conceive. It sucks. I'm not sad about it. Really I'm quite impressed with how resilient I feel getting a double whammy of "your not with child and by the way you have about as much hope of carring a child as your mother". More than anything I am feeling tested.

When I was pregnant with Ella (my beautiful busy little 2 year old) I announced that this would be our last baby. We had a healthy little boy (my sweet lovable Caden) a girl on the way and Jon and I felt good about being a complete family of four. God had other plans for us. I have felt repeatedly, sometimes quite poignantly, that there is another spirit for our family. Pregnancy isn't easy on my body. I have a heart condition that makes the whole process a little risky and time consuming. As an added bonus, I have morning sickness that makes me feel like I want to die. Needless to say I began bargaining with the Lord. I pointed out that a spirit could come to our family in a variety of ways and that I was open to all the possibilities. And he remained obstinately silent on how to proceed.

A year I prayed to know if I was suppose to try to get pregnant or to just be aware of other avenues and for a year all I got was that our eternal family isn't complete yet. Jon and I decided that the timing was as good as it was going to get to torture our family with another pregnancy so we threw out the birth control and got a nice pink plus sign. It all felt so right, and I have to say that I was feeling quite pleased with my self for being such an obedient daughter of God when I really didn't want to be. Gold star for me topped with eternal brownie points.

Then I miscarried. Physically, it was exhausting and painful. Emotionally, well I just felt so confused and a little betrayed. That started a new dimension to my relationship with God. Almost a power struggle between me wanting control in my life and Him asking for my faith and submission. I would like to say that we have come to some sort of resolve in our relationship but He and I are still struggling. The 10 months that have followed that miscarriage have been the hardest of my life. It has only been one part of the tapestry of sorrow that has been sown this last year in my life and those around me. I feel like I am being broken down. But I trust that it is all being done in wisdom and with divine purpose.

So here I am, with defective ovaries and a call to bear more children. To God, I say, bring it on. If my level of obedience is being tested, then again I say, bring it on. I will not fail to jump through what ever hoop is put in front of me even if feel I lack the energy to jump. I don't know if being abstinent in my conversations with the almighty is a wise idea, but it is how I feel right now. (If you want to read a blog posted by others much more spiritually advanced than me, I totally understand. Just forward them to me and maybe I will learn how to be a more humble child of God thereby saving myself a lot of unnecessary grief ). I just want to prove to God that no matter how weak I feel, how deficient I feel, I will walk down whatever path He puts in front of me with as much purpose and grace as I can, even if I have to claw my way to the end. I want to show Him that I am obedient even when I am annoyed with Him.