One year ago today my world fell apart. My sense of order and stability in life was shaken and my sense of security completely gone. One year ago today I was mourning the loss of my father. We had a beautiful relationship when I was a kid. He was my hero, my greatest champion. He let me know that his world revolved around his children. As I became an adult his luster dimmed and he made choices which would break my heart and cause a rift between us which will have to be repaired in the life to come. One year ago today I was exhausted from a month long vigil in the intensive care unit holding his hand until he took his final breaths. I remember counting them that last night. 15 per second. 10 per second. 7 per second. I let go of his hand long after there was no need to count.
One year ago today it was snowing. I remember that I was putting away dishes and listening to Anne Murray on the radio when the phone rang. My mother in law had a massive heart attack and was on life support until Jon and I could make it to her side to say good bye. I remember sitting on my kitchen floor and not wanting to get up because I knew that the next thing I had to do was going to break my husband's heart. One year ago today I went out to the garage and held him and felt numb from shock. One year ago today I held her hand and counted her last breaths. There were only two after the doctor turned off the machines. She didn't fight, she was ready.
After my father died I felt his spirit. Peaceful and sad. I said to him all the things I couldn't say in life knowing that he would finally understand how I felt. Judy's spirit lingered as well. It felt different. She was full of joy. It was so odd to be holding Jon and his father and feeling such sorrow between us when she was nearby, full of excitement.
One year ago today was only the beginning. There were trials that I never thought I would have to face, at least not at the tender age of 30. It was only one year ago today that I started a journey of strength and weakness. There were these moments of intense sadness and confusion which torn me to shambles but in the rubble of it all there were these nuggets of hard earned faith. I am still in the midst of it, still growing and sifting for nuggets, but I think I'm okay. I may come out of the refiners fire stronger rather than just incredible burned.
So today, in this moment, I will remember where I was one year ago today. I will remember my dad, and Judy, and how losing them brought me pain and strength. I will remember how each of the trials that followed that night have done the same. And I will look forward to who I will be a year from now.
One year ago today it was snowing. I remember that I was putting away dishes and listening to Anne Murray on the radio when the phone rang. My mother in law had a massive heart attack and was on life support until Jon and I could make it to her side to say good bye. I remember sitting on my kitchen floor and not wanting to get up because I knew that the next thing I had to do was going to break my husband's heart. One year ago today I went out to the garage and held him and felt numb from shock. One year ago today I held her hand and counted her last breaths. There were only two after the doctor turned off the machines. She didn't fight, she was ready.
After my father died I felt his spirit. Peaceful and sad. I said to him all the things I couldn't say in life knowing that he would finally understand how I felt. Judy's spirit lingered as well. It felt different. She was full of joy. It was so odd to be holding Jon and his father and feeling such sorrow between us when she was nearby, full of excitement.
One year ago today was only the beginning. There were trials that I never thought I would have to face, at least not at the tender age of 30. It was only one year ago today that I started a journey of strength and weakness. There were these moments of intense sadness and confusion which torn me to shambles but in the rubble of it all there were these nuggets of hard earned faith. I am still in the midst of it, still growing and sifting for nuggets, but I think I'm okay. I may come out of the refiners fire stronger rather than just incredible burned.
So today, in this moment, I will remember where I was one year ago today. I will remember my dad, and Judy, and how losing them brought me pain and strength. I will remember how each of the trials that followed that night have done the same. And I will look forward to who I will be a year from now.
1 comment:
I am sorry that you and Jon had to lose parents at such a young age. I was heartbroken for you both when it happened. But I think you're right that our trials can make us stronger. You both are amazing people and I am thankful for the examples that you are to me.
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