On a happier note

Okay, venting done. Here are a few pictures from a shoot I did last weekend of an 8 year old named Ashlyn. I love that her mom did a french manicure on her nails and we put crown up in her hair. Anytime you can make your little girl feel like a princess, do it. I had so much fun shooting Ashlyn. She is such a kind and gentle soul, so dear to my heart







Did I mention that this is Ella's favorite person in the world. She talks about Ashlyn all the time and is broken hearted when we part company.

I Just Need to Vent...

I swore to myself that I wasn't going to do this. I told myself that I was made of sterner stuff. I told myself to suck it up, be strong, and not to be a whiner baby. Yet here I am. A whimpering, wailing, whiner baby who's woes can no longer be contained to my friends and family. I am complaining globally. The world wide web seems a big enough place to shoulder my supreme annoyance with pregnancy.
I have been in the throws of morning sickness for nearly 6 weeks. That is 42 days! The last three weeks have been miserable. I just want this part to be over. I wake up every morning feeling like death. I eat little tidbits of food just so that I will have something to throw up because nothing spoils a morning like dry heaving bile. I make my kids breakfast, get them dressed, and drive them to school...in my bathrobe. Eventually I forge into the kitchen for something decent to eat, really anything that will stay down is considered decent (last week it was mashed potatoes. That's right, every day for lunch I had mashed potatoes with cheese-because you've got to have protein right?). Then I put Ella down for a nap and force myself to get dressed for the day, or what remains of it. My only real goal is to be showered and dressed before I pick Caden up from school. Life is hard enough with out having a puke smelling, greasy haired, women in a bath robe yelling, "Caden, its mommy!!" across the school yard. Then I count down the hours until Jon gets home, usually with take out in hand because making dinner, something I have always loved, is beyond what my stomach can handle most days. The evening progresses and I usually have one final bought of throwing up and crying about my miserable life and its time for bed. Day in, and day out. It sucks.
I know that it will let up eventually. It always has in the past. But there is this vicious little voice in my head that whispers that there is no guarantee. Maybe I will be one of those tortured souls who has morning sickness all nine months. I wouldn't last. I don't know who you women are, but you are stronger than me.
I just want to be myself again. The girl who gets it done. A multi tasker who puts on clothes not made of terry cloth. The mom that has play dates and outings and fun craft projects hanging on the wall, verses the mom who has the afternoon line up of cartoons memorized so that at least I know when to make the kids change the channel when something I don't approve of comes on. The friend who is fun and helpful verses the whiney reclusive thing I am now. Yup, I thought I was made of sterner stuff, but I am not. Being broken down physically for so long has broken me down mentally. I actually have started having anxiety every night because I know that the morning is just around the corner and along with the morning comes the afternoon, and after that, the evening and it just goes around and around with out much hope of the morning bringing relief or change.
I will stop now. I'm sure I will read this post later and absolutely cringe at my weakness and complaining. It will get better. It will. It will. It will.
By the way, when I get to the other side, I have a whole conversation with God worked out. WHY, on top of everything else we subject our body to in order to bring souls into this world, are we plauged with nausea and vommitting? I won't even mention the stretch marks, the weakened bladder, the enemas that keep our pregnant bowels moving, the chaffing bleeding nipples involved in nursring, and all the cute bras we trade in for something able to hold up skin that will never be described as "perky" again. No, all of that I'm okay with. But REALLY, being sick on top of all of that. It just seems excessive. Yeah, he and I are going to have a nice long chat.

I am currently working on getting my photography website up and running. The whole process makes me too nervous to go it alone so a good friend of mine is helping me out. Honestly, he is just doing it for me. All I want to know is how to upload photos and information with out having to learn web coding. In the mean time I will post a few photos from recent shoots.

Theses are the Barney children. What a sweet family. The day we did this shoot it was freezing cold out side!

We kept wrapping the kids up in a blanket until the wind died down and we could get a couple of shots off before eyes started watering and shivering set in. They were such good sports and we got some great shots highlighting how much this family loves each other.

Gracie has such a beautiful smile. Her whole face lights up with delight.

Mindy and Garrett are wonderful to watch together. They are kind to one another and laugh so easily with each other.

Jaden was freezing and his dad was trying to warm him up and convince him to unwrap from the blanket. I love that we captured this moment.

This is my favorite. I love it when siblings find their favorite play mate in one another.

Happy Birthday Sweet Katie!!!!

What a beautiful lady inside and out. I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. I am so excited to work with you, learn from you, and be inspired by your talent and drive. Have a wonderful birthday, you deserve it.

Hello Little One

This is the test that told us you were coming to our family. We were so happy and nervous to see that plus sign. We have waited so long for you. I think of you throughout the day and silently vow that I will protect you, provide you a safe place to grow until I can hold you. We will do every thing we can to get you here healthy and strong.




This is what your big brother said to his Kindergarten teacher on his first day back to school after winter break: "My mom may not pick me up today. She might be sleeping. The baby in her tummy makes her sick". That's right. You are coming to a family that instills the fear of not being picked up from school. I promised him that no matter if I am feeling pukey or not I will always get him from school. I don't know if he believes me. *Sigh*




Can you blame him when this is what he sees from me one of the many days that I feel to cruddy to even get out of my bathrobe. I promise that I do trade the robe for an over sized jacket when I make appearances at school so that none are the wiser that I am still in jammies.



And this is what Ella does on those bathrobe days. She decides to paint her finger nails, fingers, hardwood floor, and the marble counter tops with black finger nail polish. To her credit, she did try to clean it up afterward. So now I have a lovely paste of black polish and toilet paper stuck to my floor. Any ideas on how to remove it with out stripping the varnish?

So here you are, nearly 12 weeks old. Sometimes I still can't believe that you are really in there. Then a wave of nausea hits and I am forcibly reminded that I am indeed pregnant. That part is getting better though and I get to see you again on ultra sound this week. My heart always skips a few beats as I wait to see your precious image come up on the screen. I hold my breath until there you are, perfect and whole. Be well little one until we can welcome you into our family.

Sibling Dates

So tonight my brothers and I went on a sibling date. We do these every so often. Usually just an impromptu outing, lunch, or movie for just the three of us. We went to see the day's last showing of "Twilight". I think we are the last three people in this town who haven't sat riveted for nearly two hours as love conquers all and the good and bad vampires battle it out. We really enjoyed it. And it wasn't awkward at all sitting next to my little brother in a dark theater willing Edward to kiss her already.
It got me to thinking about our sibling bond. We all have migrated back to our home town of Silverdale to be near one another and our mom. I see one or the other of them nearly every day yet still we enjoy one another's company enough to share our free time with each other. My two brothers are as different from each other as two men can be. Adam is three years older than me. He is kind and thoughtful, always willing to fill whatever need you have. He is a bit of a loner. He has a few very close friends and is fiercely loyal to those in his inner circle. I see selflessness in him that is as close to Christ like as it gets. Its funny because he is quiet yet can get riled up quicker than the rest of us. I think that is because his feelings are right there on his sleeve. CJ is three years my junior. He is vivacious and outgoing and always willing to let you fill whatever need he has. He is definitely the youngest child in our family line up. He is funny and vocal, and brings a sort of light with him where ever he goes. We used to call him the "golden boy" because what ever he set his mind to he accomplishes. He is smart and industrious so the only thing that has ever been able to hold him back in life is himself. He is also very loving and very protective of us all.
I don't know if I have seen a sibling bond like ours before. It makes me wonder what my parents did right to create a sense of not only unity between us but of belonging with one another. We weren't always close growing up. We fought, drove each other crazy, and engaged in many a battle of wills against one another, but at the end of it all, here we are, laughing with one another and feeling at home in one another's company.
I remember that we prayed together every day. My mom made us do this affirmation after every family prayer: "I like myself, I trust myself, I believe in my self, I have faith in myself, I love myself, and the whole family". Its funny how weird that sounds to write and even funnier that we always had extra kids at our house and they just fell in line with it. We read scriptures together. Its interesting because half the time we fought against it and wined and I don't know why my mom kept going with it when we would ruin the spirit she was trying to create. But I also remember how it felt to sit with my family and feel like we were engaged in something good and beyond ourselves, connected as a family eternally. We did family home evenings. I only remember a few of the lessons we learned but I remember making and eating cinnamon toast and loving it. I remember that my mom let us sprinkle the cinnamon and sugar at a really young age and her not getting upset when we would make a mess. My mom was big on us being kind to one another, especially with our words. She ran a big sheet of butcher paper down the stair wall to our basement and for a month we were to just write anonymous comments about members of our family. Things we appreciated about one another, nice things that we noticed someone doing, or just an "I love you" note. We did this other thing, which had a cute name I can't remember, where we made envelopes for each of our doors and secretly drew names and for a given period of time we would leave small gifts or notes to that person in their envelope. Then we would re draw names and it would continue.
I don't think that there is a secret formula. I think that my mom worked really hard to help us find the best in each other. She would always say, "friends come and go, but family is forever". It was a tricky little bit of brain washing on her part but it worked. And I don't think that it was just the good stuff that we bonded over. The three of us came from the same place. Along with a lot of good there were stressful and sad times in our home as well. Adam and CJ are the only ones who really understand what is was like to grow and develop in our particular home environment. We have watched each other with every one of life's struggles and seen how those struggles have helped form us into the adults we are today. We have celebrated every one of life's joys with one another. There will be no other person on this planet who can appreciate who I was, who I am, and who I am going to be, because only my brothers have been with me from the start. I feel more secure in this world knowing that I have my family near me. They aren't in every detail of my daily life like my husband and kids, but they are always there humming in the background, letting me know where I always belong, where I am always accepted, where I am always loved.