Happiness is....

Learning how to dance... and feeling very shy about it.

Happiness is playing with two week old puppies...

Watching your cousin exchange wedding vows with his perfect match...

Spending time with your cousins....

Contemplating life at sunset... Having hair that is long enough for really cute pig tails... Giving your daddy big squeezes....
And a home made slip in slide with your favorite friend!!

A realization and clarification

It is 7am and my entire house slumbers. I do not because I had a midnight snack that consisted of spicy nacho cheese sauce, a liberal portion of oinons, a little avacodo, topped off with a beautiful vine ripened tomato, and now I have killer heart burn that threatens to erupt when ever I lay down. A couple of tums later and sitting up for a while and I will return to the opionon that that was the best midnight snack ever and totally worth the morning heart burn. It wasn't healthy but it was stinkin delicious!
After reading through my last blog I realized two things: 1. it was entirely too long, so sorry. When I sit down at my computer to write my fingers just start flying across the key board spilling out whatever thought happens to be in my head at that moment. I can tell that this will probably be my blogging MO. I will strive for short paragraphs colored with lots of photos and cute antedotes about being a mom to my childern and a wife to my husband, but I make no garuntees. 2. I want to clarify my position on having another baby. Its not that I'm opposed to having another child. In fact Jon and I would welcom the news that we are expecting with joy and great anticipation. It's that the baby monster lives dormant in side of me. Its funny how that monster can come to life in a second. Six years ago I was merrily skipping down a path of education and home ownership with my husband at my side feeling quite content with life. Then one day church I heard a lesson and a sentence was said that pierced my heart. A father lost his 6 year old daughter and he said that the light in his heart went out. The beast was awakened. I felt a longing to love a child that much so intensely that it was eclipsed by the fact that Jon and I were in the middle of buying our first home, we weren't done with our educational programs, and we only had student health insurance. My arms suddenly felt empty without the warm weight of a baby in them and our lives seemed so incomplete and small without the focus of a child. During that time there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to satisfy that longing. I don't feel that driving desperation this time around. I am excited to meet this spirit that I feel is bound to our family. When I reach the other side I want to look at my family and sigh with contentment that we are complete.
I love the destination of having three children, for that matter I would love four or five. I just don't enjoy the journey getting there. Well, I like the first part (wink wink). Its the same as when you go on a road trip. You go to the gas station to fill up on fuel and snacks. You pack the car with fun activities, your favorite movies, and arm yourself with a bevy of car games. But a few hours into the trip you have a tummy ache from too many peanut butter M&M's, you are no longer interested in finding license plates from other states or identifying an object in 20 questions or less, you just want to go to sleep and wake up when you get there. That's how I feel about getting and staying pregnant and navegating through pregnancies labled "high risk". There are a lot of fun moments during those nine months but there are also a lot of moments when I just want to wake up when all the drama and potential trauma is over.
Again, I will work on the photo front and try to reign in my lengthy mental ramblings.

My 1st Blog

I am a blogging virgin and this being my first blog I am feeling a bit of pressure to make it interesting. Unfortunately, I don't know what tid bits of information the public will find interesting about my family. We are a pretty ordinary bunch. Add that to the fact my back grounds (are they even called that or are they wall papers or boarders??) won't be anything amazing and you will get sick of the photos I post because I probably won't be great about changing them, you will have a recipe for a quite forgettable blog. With that disclaimer in place and your expectations so low I suddenly feel quite free to write whatever I want.

On Monday I went to my OBGYN to get my blood levels drawn. Jon and I have been on the baby making band wagon for like 15 months and one miscarriage and lot negative PG tests later (really I ought to just buy stock in First Response, at least then I could justify peeing on a stick every month, let me honest, usually twice a month) and I decided to get proactive. Mary (my favorite nurse in Dr. Christen's office) calls to tell me that not only am I not pregnant but my hormone levels resemble those of a pre-menopausal women. Let me inform you that I am 30. This means more testing and medical intervention if my sweet husband and I are to conceive. It sucks. I'm not sad about it. Really I'm quite impressed with how resilient I feel getting a double whammy of "your not with child and by the way you have about as much hope of carring a child as your mother". More than anything I am feeling tested.

When I was pregnant with Ella (my beautiful busy little 2 year old) I announced that this would be our last baby. We had a healthy little boy (my sweet lovable Caden) a girl on the way and Jon and I felt good about being a complete family of four. God had other plans for us. I have felt repeatedly, sometimes quite poignantly, that there is another spirit for our family. Pregnancy isn't easy on my body. I have a heart condition that makes the whole process a little risky and time consuming. As an added bonus, I have morning sickness that makes me feel like I want to die. Needless to say I began bargaining with the Lord. I pointed out that a spirit could come to our family in a variety of ways and that I was open to all the possibilities. And he remained obstinately silent on how to proceed.

A year I prayed to know if I was suppose to try to get pregnant or to just be aware of other avenues and for a year all I got was that our eternal family isn't complete yet. Jon and I decided that the timing was as good as it was going to get to torture our family with another pregnancy so we threw out the birth control and got a nice pink plus sign. It all felt so right, and I have to say that I was feeling quite pleased with my self for being such an obedient daughter of God when I really didn't want to be. Gold star for me topped with eternal brownie points.

Then I miscarried. Physically, it was exhausting and painful. Emotionally, well I just felt so confused and a little betrayed. That started a new dimension to my relationship with God. Almost a power struggle between me wanting control in my life and Him asking for my faith and submission. I would like to say that we have come to some sort of resolve in our relationship but He and I are still struggling. The 10 months that have followed that miscarriage have been the hardest of my life. It has only been one part of the tapestry of sorrow that has been sown this last year in my life and those around me. I feel like I am being broken down. But I trust that it is all being done in wisdom and with divine purpose.

So here I am, with defective ovaries and a call to bear more children. To God, I say, bring it on. If my level of obedience is being tested, then again I say, bring it on. I will not fail to jump through what ever hoop is put in front of me even if feel I lack the energy to jump. I don't know if being abstinent in my conversations with the almighty is a wise idea, but it is how I feel right now. (If you want to read a blog posted by others much more spiritually advanced than me, I totally understand. Just forward them to me and maybe I will learn how to be a more humble child of God thereby saving myself a lot of unnecessary grief ). I just want to prove to God that no matter how weak I feel, how deficient I feel, I will walk down whatever path He puts in front of me with as much purpose and grace as I can, even if I have to claw my way to the end. I want to show Him that I am obedient even when I am annoyed with Him.

Summer Swimming Can't be Beat!

We are loving this summer weather. This is the first year that we can get both our children in the pool with out tears and tantrums. A few summers ago, our fearless little water monkey, Caden, got over confident and had a few water related scares. From that he developed a healthy fear of water any deeper than his nightly bath. We tried swim lessons to help him get over his fears but he would only put his feet in the water and refused to leave the pool steps. So we are totally stoked that he let my Aunt Shana (yeah, that's right, her name is Shana and mine is Shama. Our family lacks reason) take him around the pool. The next day he was wading around holding onto the side all by himself.

A you can see Ella has no fear.
Look how cute my sweet Jon is. You will notice that there isn't a photo of me in the pool, that isn't by mistake.