Hair today, gone tomorrow (pun intended)...

Today was a good full day. Enjoyed having the in laws over for lunch, loved watching a childhood friend baptize his daughter then going back to their house and hanging out with a big group of people who I have known my whole life, got the kids to bed w out any struggle, finished watching "Leap Year" then decided to check my e-mail. The first e-mail I opened was so unnerving that I don't think I will be getting to the rest tonight. My love sent a pic of himself sporting VERY short hair and I don't know if it was the lingering romanic feelings from the movie or seeing Jon in a shirt I didn't recognize, in a room that I have never seen, or realizing that he looks different then he did 2 weeks ago, but he has never felt so far away from me as he does right now. I feel homesick for him. Is that weird, to feel homesick for a person? I haven't seen or touched him in 2 weeks and it feels so unnatural. We have been lucky that we were able to communicate as much as we did this last week, texting as his schedule allowed, and talking when we are able to, but man, I MISS him. I enlarged his picture and just stared at it for a bit.  Giving myself permission to cry a little now. I have been really disciplined so far. I don't let myself think to long about the fact that he is across the country, instead, I pretend that he is having a long day at work or is just gone for the weekend at a pharmacy convention. I don't allow myself to acknowledge that little ache of longing for him that hums about in the background of my days and nights and when the ache threatens to come to the fore front, I actively distract myself by being busy mentally and physically. But tonight, I am going to allow it, in fact, I am going to indulge it. I am going to let myself think of all the little things I miss about him; his laughter and playfulness filling our home, the way that he always treats me with kindness and is so quick with a compliment, the feeling of absolute peace that I find when I am held by him, but mostly, I am going to think about his hair. I am going to think about the way it stubbornly refuses to be parted anyway but one. I am going to remember the countless hours that I have spent idly running my finger through it as we watch TV or as we are laying to together talking. And just to really do myself in, I am going to go up stairs and bury my face in his pillow and hope that it still smells like him, because I love the way his head smells. Kind of mixture of his shampoo, styling products, and his own natural scent. So tonight I am going to cry and ache and long for my husband, I am going to be overwhelmed by the number of days that are stretched out in front of me until he comes home, and I am going to let every sadness wash over me, but in the morning, I am going to pretend, and get busy, and have another good full day. 

It only takes one careless moment....

I didn't want to write this blog post. It has been nagging at me all day to the point that I got out of bed at 12:24am to finally quiet that voice of persuasion in my head. 

Today was like any other. There was a house full of children all running in and out playing in the water in the back yard, riding scooters in the front, sword fighting and wrestling around the play room, and me running around keeping everyone fed and entertained while keeping the house from looking like a tornado hit it. It was almost lunch time and I shooed the 5 older kids out of the house so that I could make lunch while feeding the baby. I put Danali in her high chair, fed her some yogurt, and got out the supplies to cut her up some strawberries, her favorite fruit of all time. The whole time she was eating I was bustling around the kitchen pulling out plates, drinks, food, and utensils and she was content to just chat away with me. After a bit though, she started getting frustrated that she could see the strawberries on the counter but I hadn't gotten around to cutting them up yet. Just as I was pulling my stool up in front of her to give her my full attention one of the kids called me out side to referee a dispute so I put a few gold fish crackers on her tray and off I went.

I was out back for several minuntes and didn't give Danali a second thought. I was having fun coming up with a game for the kids to play where they rip post it notes off one another-the post it notes had different symbols representing different super powers- to gather as many super powers as possible. I was loving hearing the powers the kids wanted represented and hearing them come up with the back story for the kingdom they were defending, what would happen to those who lost their powers, and how to figure out the supreme victor in the battle for all the magical powers in their land. It was only after I remembered the I had water boiling did I dash for the house. 

When I came through the back door, I saw Nali laying face up on the floor in front of her high chair. Not making a sound, not moving, and really all I could see for one terrifying moment were her chubby little baby legs and feet. For one half of a heart beat I was frozen, afraid that if I continued into the kitchen my whole life would change. After that half a heart beat passed, I raced over to her, scooped her up, and realized immediately that she was choking. I flipped her over and thumped her back and a huge piece of strawberry popped out of her mouth.  

When it came out she just fell against me, coughed a little, whimpered, but didn't even cry much. I kept trying to pull her away so that I could examine her, find where she was injured, make sure she was breathing okay, check her pupils, but she just buried her face in my neck and trembled a little. 

I was trembling too. From the inside out. I left my baby alone in the kitchen and I didn't strap her into her high chair. At some point while I was out side, not even thinking about her, she must have crawled out of her chair and managed to get a strawberry off the counter and into her mouth before she fell to the floor. I didn't strap her in...how could I not have strapped her in? How could I have been so careless?  I KNOW that she tries to climb on top of her tray every time she is in her high chair. I know better. How is it that I walked out of my house and forgot about my baby for several minutes while she was falling and choking? My blood runs cold every time I think about what could have happened, what would have happened if I had decided to make just one more post-it note.

I checked her over from head to toe and couldn't find any bumps or scrapes. Her eyes were dilating  evenly and after I held her for quite a while, she seemed fine and ready to eat. I put her back in the high chair, strapped her in, and tried to unload the dishwasher through tears and with trembling hands. As soon as I had a moment I locked myself away in my bedroom and fell on my knees thanking Heavenly Father for the guardian angel who watched over my sweet daughter today. I will never forget that moment; the one where her baby legs lay unnaturally still upon the floor and my heart nearly stopped with terror for what might be. It makes me realize again how precariously life is balanced. We do our best, and when that isn't enough, the Lord steps in to make up for our weaknesses and in my case today, my carelessness. Like I said, today started off like any other but it is ending with me not taking for granted even one breath taken by these precious souls. I am also ending my day with a renewed determination to not let any distraction, any bout of laziness, or misplaced sense of  invincibility keep me from taking all safety precautions with my children. So to all the mommas out there, be ever vigilant. Don't cut corners when your child's well being is at stake. And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting these cherished souls to me, I promise to do my best to return them to you in one piece.  

Danali takes on the world...

We went to Island Lake a couple of weeks ago.

Danali loved the trees, looking at the ducks, and watching her brother and sister charge into the lake...from her stroller. She seemed so enthusiastic about it that I thought maybe it was time to introduce her to sand. 

It all started nicely enough. I put a towel down and she was all smiles. Curiously she reached out and touched the new substance beneath her...

....and she didn't like it...not one little bit.

"were you aware, dear mother, that this is NOT the soft springy green stuff that I am accustomed to crawling on when out of doors?"

When it became apparent that mom was going to be of no help at all she took a moment to contemplate her options....

....and being a women of action she decided to conquer the new terrain.

So she ventured out and found the the new substance did indeed have an end...

So she reached out and touched the new boarder and found it to be...

quite disdainful really...cold...not at all like the warm toy strewn porcelain haven that she associates with bodies of water larger than herself...

"Perhaps if I just stand up I will see around this most inconvenient obstacle??? Drat, damp course stuff as far as the 10 month old eye can see!"

If all else fails, eat it...that is fundamental baby logic. If you don't want it touching your hands or your feet you simply put it in your mouth.

 

"mmm...kind of a grainy texture, but all in all, not so bad. "

"I've crawled on you, stood on you, and eaten you...

that's right sand, I own you."