Focus and Strength

I love this time of year. I love that the year sets this time aside for reflection and evaluation; a time to see where your life has been and where you want it to be and then try to bridge the gap. Its like spring cleaning for your soul. Get rid of the cobwebs, look into the dark forgotten corners, figure out how to reconfigure things so that you feel like you are at least moving in the direction of living the life you want to live, and being the person you want to be, the person you are in your best moments. I think that often we get so busy with the business of managing our incredibly full lives that half the time we aren't really present to what we're doing, we go on auto pilot and kind of turn ourselves off. We forget to focus on the really important things, the things that shape who we are and how we affect the world around us. At least that is what I'm finding on reflecting over many of the last 365 days. They are a blur. There are little moments that stand out, ones that fill me with peaceful pride at the wife, mother, friend, and women that I was, but there are others that stand out because they make me so sad at the wife, mother, friends, and women I was. 

My response to it is to take stock. Take responsibility for allowing myself to participate in mindless living, own all the moments where my priorities were askew, feel the weight of pain that I've caused, feelings I've hurt, people I've neglected and lessons I've been too stubborn to learn. It is also a time to appreciate how unconditionally I love those around me, how I truly want to be a source of kindness and warmth. A time to acknowledge how I have been the nurturer, the soft place to land for so many. It is a space to respect all the times I was selfless and to be proud of the moments where I felt I was my authentic self. And finally, it is a time to feel and then release the pain of all the times when I wasn't who I know I am meant to be, when I let weakness, fear, insecurity, and selfishness dictate my behavior and then find a way to be better.  

So I write resolutions. Really only two this year; focus and strength. I feel like I am swirling and I know I'm missing the big picture half the time but I can't seem to find enough inner focus to be different or the strength to make changes. I want to look inward and be secure in my own divinity and self worth. I want to see that my thoughts, my feelings, and my heart are completely focused on that which will bring me closer to living a life of purpose, a life of integrity, a life that maximizes my potential. And then I want to look outward and see that my life is a reflection of those things. See, I figure once I work out how to calm everything down inside of me and find my focus it will take incredible mental, emotional, and physical strength to realign my life in the ways that its gotten off course. Really all I think most of us need is a realignment, not a complete course change. 

So I start the spring cleaning of my life. I am energized by the idea of starting fresh. I am empowered by the idea that my life, that all our lives, can be what we want them to be. We are the most powerful forces in shaping our time on this earth, and that time is in limited supply. Each day is numbered as one less we have here. One less day to grow, one less day to make a difference. I want to make each one count, maximize the energy I spend. I am looking forward to casting off the heaviness of the things that have caused me pain or fear or insecurity or shame this last year. I don't know how yet, but I'm working on it, because I don't think I can focus on moving forward until I let go of the past. It saps my strength and traps my thoughts and heart  in an unproductive place. Fresh. Light. Focus. Strength. Welcome 2011.