A new understanding..

I was watching a show this week and one of the characters said, "Do you know what happens to a star when it burns out? It doesn't just stop shining, it turns into a black hole".  It put into words something that I have struggled with for years. When I was a child there were a few things that I knew for sure. My parents loved me and I felt safe and secure in my world because of that knowledge. I knew them. I knew what their very souls felt like. I knew what they stood for, what they believed in, and what values they built our family upon. They were these bright shiny stars who lit and guided our lives. As I grew up I began to see them more as three dimensional beings, flawed but trying, and I was okay with that because I still recognized their light. But when I was a teenager, I was shattered. There were choices made that shocked me. There were deeds brought to light that had no place in the universe they created for me. Nothing made sense. Suddenly there was no order, no safety, no constants in this world for me. One parent tried to keep themselves in the orbit of values that had guided them through this life and tried to focus on an eternal trajectory but the other, well the other didn't. I watched and mourned as that parent's light got dimmer and dimmer until it not only went out, but turned into an enveloping darkness that made their very essence unrecognizable to me. They became a black hole. It haunted me. I pictured this beautiful, bright, pure soul, trapped and screaming for release from the blackness, but staying imprisoned until his mortal life ended.

In my adult life, I have witnessed from afar and walked closely with friends who's lives too have been shattered because someone they loved traded their light for darkness. Sometimes I have rejoiced becuase the loved on faught against the darkness and found their light again, but in other cases, the darkness won.  In every instance though, I ask myself the same question, WHY? Most of the time the obvious answer is sin. They lost their moral compass and enveloped themselves in the darkness of sin and didn't know how to shake it off.  I went to bed last night ruminating on how sin can not only destroy the light of the person committing it, but destroy everyone around them, like a black hole. And then I had a dream.
I dreamt that I was a little girl riding in the back seat of a car with my parents in the front. Everything was warm and light and I felt so safe in the knowledge that my parents would guide me home. Then I started dreaming about another little girl, one who's world is currently being torn apart. In my dream, we were in a field and she was crying that she didn't understand why her family wasn't a family anymore, and just sobbing that she wanted everything to go back to the way it was.  I was holding her and explaining to her that one of her parents just forgot who they were. And she kept saying, "how could he forget, how could he forget"?? In my dream we were both children and in our innocence neither of us could understand how grown ups could forget a truth that is so simple and so complete: we are children of God and he loves us. We didn't understand how the adults in our lives could forget the feeling of being enveloped by His love, it would be like forgetting what it's like to have gravity hold you to the ground. We were both heart broken, not at the parent's actions, but by the loss of understanding. How could they forget their greatness? Their divinity? It was baffling that they didn't know the truth any longer and devastating that the loss of that knowledge would have eternal repercussions.
When I woke up, I was shaken with a new understanding. I always thought that sin created the blackness that tore apart my family, and so many other families, but it is just a symptom. The blackness comes from forgetting who you are. I have been pondering this all morning and I realized that anything that dims your light- anger, depression, hopelessness, fear, insecurity, uncertainty, feelings of worthlessness-all come from the same place, from that same lack of knowledge. We are loved. We are cherished. We are never forgotten, never abandoned. God placed within us His own divinity. Each of us radiate with our own unique gifts and talents. We can lift one another up. We can create life and love unconditionally. We have the strength within us to forgive, to have compassion, to provide hope for another. We have purpose. We have the capacity to learn and to grow and to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
We were created to shine.
Lord, please help me to hold the darkness at bay so that I can be the light that guides my family home. Please help me remember who I am at times when I feel weak and small. Please help me see the light in others and help them see it in themselves. Please help me be more than I am.
Pleae help me shine.

At what cost?

On Wednesday I was feeling like this:


And I wrote this in my journal:
The fl yer campaign is in full swing. I have several friends and neighbors ready to begin plastering every street post, every sign, and every community bulletin board with my "Wanted-The Name of a Ridgetop Thief" posters. I really don't know if it will net me a name but I don't think that is the point anymore. I just want to stand up and says, "NOT OK". I want to stand up and and say, "WE WONT TAKE IT ANYMORE". I want to stand up and say, "MY COMMUNITY IS MY SECURITY SYSTEM". And I think that there are a lot of people who need it too. I have gotten e-mails from other home owners in the area, good families that were victimized in one way or another, who also want to stand up but haven't known how. One guy had his car broken into and they took his wedding album. Who takes a wedding album?
If the only thing that comes from this is that we all feel a little more bonded as a community and empowered in our personal lives then it will be worth it. If the only thing that comes from this is to have it noted that we stood up, then it will be worth it.

And then the phone rang, and I felt this....

And I wrote this in my journal...

It isn't worth it.

I got an automated recording from Caden's school that he was absent. I walked him to the steps of the school and watched him climb them but didn't watch him go inside or even enter his class room. It was drizzling and I had the baby in my arms in jammies so I rushed off to get the girls home and Ella to preschool. I just kept thinking, what if something happened to him because of something I did? What if I made my family a target. What if FOMT was trying to send me a message? What if he was more evil then petty thug? The torment of those five minutes are not worth any thing. In the end they found him in the class room's reading nook. It was library day and he wanted a few more minuets with the book he had to return so when he saw that he had a substitute he hid himself away under a bean bag chair.

What am I doing? I keep thinking that I am trying to find the lesson, the silver lining, the growth from this experience, and if it isn't to find strength then I'm coming up blank. This can't just all be for nothing, can it? Jon doesn't get what a big deal this is to me, not really. I am suffering all the obvious pains of losing my business base, my family photos, my art, but there it is so much more. I grew up in a home that was never locked. We lived in Tacoma, yet still felt safe enough to have an open door policy. I wanted that for my family. I just always assumed that it was a given that we would raise our kids in an environment of security, an environment where locks and alarms are for other homes. On any given day of the week I come home to find an empty car in the driveway and a friend or family member in the kitchen. I love that my people feel connected and comfortable in my home. I love that they enjoy being here. I love that they feel safe here. I love that they feel accepted and welcomed here. Our home has been home to all just like the home that I grew up in. That is changed now. Our doors are now locked and the front window will soon boast an ADT sign. That is the home I live in now. That is the home that my kids will be raised in. One where everyone is locked out and the inhabitants only feel safe when locked in.

So I cancelled our catch a thief poster party, gathered my children to me, and silently apologized for not being strong enough to create the world I wanted for them.

That girl's got moxie...or she's crazy.

On Tuesday Morning I was feeling this...Because late on Monday night I posted this on Craigslist (http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/wan/1700734850.html)
I WANT THE NAME OF A THIEF
My house was burglarized on Sunday April 18th between 10:30am and 12:30pm. The home is located off of Ridgetop BLVD next to Emerald Heights Elementary School. The main items taken were a Nikon D700 camera and a 17" Mac Book Pro lap top with the #5 key missing and slight dings on the out side. I am willing to pay $500 CASH to the FIRST person who comes forward with the name of the person who robbed me and $1000 CASH if you can get the lap top returned to me with the files in tact (all our family photos from the last year are on that laptop). No questions asked. Only good information will be compensated so don't waste my time or yours of you don't really have anything. You have a rare window of opportunity to make some fast cash. All identities will be kept anonymous.

And I wrote this in my journal Tuesday morning....

I am so tired. I hardly slept last night. I just feel so defeated and deflated and desperate and probably some other adjectives that start with "D" but I am too tired to come up with them. I am also a little scared. I may have done something stupid. I threatened the guys who robbed me and the guy trying to extort $1000 from me. I was so sure that I was going to get my laptop back, that I could just will it to happen, put forth my best effort, and it would work out. Its not going to happen. All day I was tense with this hum of impending action. That feeling you get right before you go on stage, or before you jump off the high dive. Scared, determined, and a little thrilled. I wanted to be the one who met up with FOMT. I wanted to look him in the face. I wanted the look in my eye to say to him, "I am not afraid of you. You have no power over me". I wanted to sit across from him and force confidence into my voice as I demanded to see my laptop. I wanted to will my hands to be steady as I checked my files and paid the fee. I wanted to walk away with out looking back even though I know that my legs would be shaking to the point of tripping and my body would be vibrating with nerves. I pictured myself trembling on the inside but feeling so proud of the way I didn't allow my actions to betray that on the outside. I wanted this show down. I needed this show down. Powerful women engage in show downs like this and its the only way that I can think of to keep from feeling so small in the world, so volnerable. I see myself fueling the need for action because I'm afraid that when I stop I will have to feel all of this. Really feel it. I'm just not ready for that now. I would rather feel threatened and a little terrified. Is that crazy?

In my need for action I called FOMT one last time....

FOMT: "Who da hell do you think you are? You wanna threaten me. 'Oh you got 90 mins you got 88 mins'. Lady you like a big ol' blond cartoon is what you are. You thinking you gonna do something. You watch one to many crime shows, thinking you a detective, like you got something.You gonna threaten me? You go head, turn my phone number in the police. This a prepaid cell lady, registered in Chicago and I down here in Portland. You gonna do what?

ME: "Placing the add made sense to me at the time and you weren't really giving me any options. You said you'd call back and you never did."

FOMT: "Who you think you are? You just a big ol' cartoon what you are. A big ol' blond cartoon. When a man don't call you back, he don't wanna talk to you."

ME: "Why don't you want to talk to me? I'm not trying to deceive you. Look, I just want my laptop back and I'm assuming that you still want money. Why are you making this so difficult and complicated"

FOMT: "Lady you da one that f***ed this up. What world you think you live in? There be fools getting shot every day and you go around threatening people. You think you something. You don't know you just a big o'l cartoon. I went to bed laughing at you last night, 'oh you got 90 minutes' and I gonna be laughing you today, 'I want my laptop back, I want my laptop back'. you ain't never getting this laptop back. I scrubbed it. It done. It gone."

ME: "Okay, maybe I am a big blond cartoon, but I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry that I'm not well versed in how to deal with criminals..."

****NOTE-FOMT is very rude. He talked over me all the time and the paragraphs I write are just peices of the conversation because he rarely stopped talking.
FOMT: "Oh, 'I am not well versed'! Who talk like you? Lady you not for real. People like you don't exists. You belong on the TV. Big ol' cartoon talking like 'not well versed' on TV".

ME: "If you called to just mock me and don't have the laptop then we don't need to talk anymore. But if you do have it and haven't scrubbed, it then I am still willing to work with you".

FOMT: "Lady, what world you live in?! I live in the real world. You live in a bubble. You think you some detective. You 'willin to work with me'? Yeah I gonna be laughing about you for a long time. You living in your little bubble world like a big ol' blond cartoon"

ME (talking over him because he would NOT stop expounding on how he knows the real world and I live in the bubble world-I know he didn't hear what I said, but I just wanted to have said it...): "I live in a world where I am adored by my husband and love my kids. I live in a world where I have great family, and friends, and a great community around me. You live in a world of pre paid cell phones, scrounging for a buck, and being afraid of the police. Will you still be laughing the next time you are pick pocketing a guy hoping to score $20? I'm offering you $1000. How many guys are you going to have to pick pocket to get that? That's your world."

FOMT: "I wouldn't give your laptop back for $1500, for $2000! You justa crazy ol' white women living in her bubble world. You don't know nothing. You don't have nothing. You gonna get nothing. I got your laptop and I gonna be laughing about it".

ME: "You are an idiot. I was serious about paying you and letting you walk away. Congrats on your new dented and used laptop with out the power cord. Enjoy shelling out $70 to replace it."

FOMT: "Lady, you not real. You crazy. You think you something when you justa cartoon to me. I have to go, my wife is calling me on the other line. I call you back."

ME: "I don't believe you. You didn't call back yesterday. I'll just hold".

FOMT: "WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE"?

Let me introduce myself; Crazy ol' White Women at your service. You may also know me as, Big ol' Blond Cartoon. Or perhaps you recognize me as that Lady who lives in a big bubble?

After the conversation ended I was ticked. I knew that negotiations were done. I knew that he had nothing to offer me. How does he not realize that if I was using all that time and energy and financial resources to get my property back that I would apply all the same components to get him? I know is sounds ridiculous, but I was offended that he scrubbed the laptop after I told him what it meant to me. Wait, I am just a cray ol' white women, so it makes sense that I would think a criminal would think more logically then to cut off his nose to spite his face.
I was feeling this:
So I posted this on FB:
I am having a "catch a thief" poster party starting tomorrow. I am going to make tons of brightly colored posters offering a hefty reward for the name of the person who robbed me and an even heftier reward for the return of my laptop with the files in tact. I want to plaster them all over the ridgetop area and could use some help over the next couple of days putting them up. Any volunteers??
Then I sent two texts to FOMT the first one said this:
"Thought you might like to pass this along to the person who robbed me and if that's you, then know that I will go broke to find you. My community will stand behind me. Thieves are not welcomed in our world so run back to what ever little whole you crawled out of and wonder how loyal your friends are when the price for your name gets high enough"
and the second was just the copy of the FB post.
I have to say that for several hours, I felt really good about what I was doing. I even started designing the signs and composing my next craigslist add. It felt good to know that I was going to DO something and not just sit back and let an injustice go unnoticed. You see I still believe that we have a lot of personal power to effect change in not only our own lives but in the world we create around us. There are so many more good people in the world. We just have to rise up together showing the bad that we won't be afraid. That they can't feed on us, one victim at at time. Yeah for a couple of really empowering hours I felt really good, and then the phone rang....

Feast or famine?

On Monday night I was feeling this...And wrote this in my journal....
I am so frustrated! Every time my phone rings with a number that I don't recognize, I jump. I have waited all day for the friend of my thief, FOMT, to call back and he hasn't called. The last time we spoke he seemed spooked by the possibility of exposing himself but also hungry for the money. So I guess the question is, which of his natural instincts will direct his behavior, the primal fear of being caught or the hunger for the prize? Okay, Shama, so think for a minute. He is an animal just like the rest of us, so what would an animal do? If a mouse spends his days scrounging around for bits of stale bread would he run out in the open to nab a big piece of cheese knowing that a hawk may be circling high above? Fear or hunger? Jon said that he would stay in his hole, and i guess that is what FOMT has decided to do. Just like the mouse he darts forward a few feet towards the prize by calling me, but the fear of being crushed by the talons of justice keep him scampering down his little hole again. I have been dangling a big piece of cheese but if it is fear that is motivating his actions then I need to play into that instead of focusing on his hunger. How do I make him afraid enough to contact me? What leverage do I have?
Maybe if I make him feel that the risk to him is minimal he will come out?

So I posted this on Craigslist: (http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/wan/1698992813.html )
Your contact called me today. I am not interested in ambushing you or trapping you, I just want my stolen property back. I have a proposition for you. If you do indeed have the laptop and the files are intact then I want to do business with you. Think about this, you have stolen property. If you try to keep the laptop and use it as your own the IP address can be traced back to you. If you try to sell it you have to reveal yourself as a thief and hope that you don't get caught, and you would be lucky to make even $100 bucks. I am promising $1000 for the laptop. This is the only scenario that you come out even remotely ahead.
Okay so here is what I propose. You have a third party meet me at a public place, like a Starbucks or something. You can text or e-mail the location right before we meet so that you have some measure of comfort that I don't have time to set you up (and really do you think that the police have the time or the resources to launch a sting operation for a petty criminal-I don't think so). I will verify that the contents of the computer are intact and give your contact the money. I can only give you my word that I will not call the police, I will not follow you, I will not attempt to trace you in any way. I will not try to trick or deceive you. You know where I live. You know what my children look like. I would not risk their safety or my own over $1000. If you have someone bring the laptop, I will bring the money. I will not meet you if I feel the situation is unsafe or if you cannot provide me with the serial number of the laptop ahead of time so that I know that you actually have it. If you don't want any face to face interaction you can leave the laptop at a public location and I will check it out and then leave the money. Like I said, the threat of retaliation will keep me from trying to deceive or trick you in any way.
I am not some vigilante trying to bring you to justice. I am a mom trying to get back her family photos. The whole last year of our lives are on that computer, every birthday, every special event, every milestone was documented and stored on that laptop. I want them back so badly that I am even willing to do business with some stupid thug who has nothing better to do then rob good people while they attend church on sunny Sunday afternoons.
Like I said, this is your only option for any monetary gain. If you are uncomfortable with the scenario I came up with then you come up with something and as long as I feel my safety isn't in question, I will consider it.
Let’s do business.
By the way, I am not an idiot. So if you are just trying to scam me out of $1000 and have nothing to do with my stolen lap top, leave me alone. Don't waste your time or mine with games. But if you do have my laptop, then you have something I want, I have something you want. Let’s find a way to make a trade happen.

And then the phone rang (after I called and texted...a lot)....
FMOT: "Lady, why you keep calling me?"

ME: "Because I want to say something to you..."

FMOT: "I's seen what you you's has ta' say {I think that he is referring to the numerous texts I have sent} and i know you got the cops in it. I ain't stupid. You little ol' white women and you's say you gonna meet up with me? You think I'm real stupid"

ME: "Do you really think I would endanger my family for $1000? You know where we live. You know children's faces, their names. I wouldn't do that. I just want the laptop back. Why can't you see that I am just trying to get back our photos. I am not trying to trick you, I swear!"

FMOT: "Lady, it ain't gonna happen".

And then I wrote this in my journal...
Negociations have fallen a part. He won't do business with me. I texted a few minutes ago telling him that I am losing my patience. I don't think he cares. I KNOW that but I still wanted to say it. I told him that when he is scrounging to pick pocket some guy for $20 he will regret this. I am crossing over from trying to work with him to wanted to get him. I really was going to let him walk away from our meeting. I am on a mission to get that laptop back. If that isn't going to happen then my mission is changing to one of wanting to get a sense of justice back in my world.

So I posted this on Criagslist trying to appeal the thief who robbed me and to FOMT. Now before you judge please remember that I had not slept the night before and was VERY tired and just worn out and what followed really made sense to me at the time. (http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/wan/1700628371.html )
I am giving you 90 mins. By 10pm I want to hear from you or your contact person letting me know that we are going to make a trade some how. If I don't hear from you, the reward changes from $1000 for the return of the laptop to $1000 for your name. I will also hand over your "friend's" phone number to the police and let them know that you two are trying to extort me. This could all go south for you very quickly. I will plaster the neighborhood with reward signs offering cash for anyone willing to turn you in. Again, all I want is the return of my laptop. I am willing to pay you. If you are not willing to work with me then I am actively working against you. I am still willing to let it all go for the return of my property but only for about 88 mins longer. I am not joking. I refuse to let go of the images of my newborn daughter contained on that computer. I refuse to let go of the trip to Disney Land my family took last year. If you force my hand you will regret it. CONTACT ME. The offer is still $1000 for my laptop with all image files in tact. Let me know if we are doing business so I know if I am calling the sheriff tonight and stopping by kinkos for mass printing or if I have the return of my laptop to look forward to.

It did not go over very well. The next morning the phone rang....

Time to be our own super heros...

On Sunday night I was feeling this-

"Thas' all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more!"

And wrote this in my journal-

I am angry! I am so outraged! I was laying in bed with Caden tonight and he said he was afraid. How dare someone make my little 6 year old afraid! I tried to reassure him and when I was done asked him if he was still afraid. He said, "maybe a little. Mommy, I know what we should do. We should call a super hero and he can catch the bad guys and he can protect us!" My son went to sleep dreaming about being protected in this world by a ficticious super hero. I'm his mom. Aren't I suppose to be his protector? Isn't it me who is suppose to sheild him from the harshness of the world around him? I have been crying and moping and feeling like a victim. That is not how a super hero behaves. So enough is enough. I am so NOT going to allow someone else make me feel weak and afraid. The thieves who broke into my home not only took my personal belongings, my memories, my business identity, the calendar of my life (really I don't know when any of our up coming doctor's appointments are I don't know when Ella has snack, when Caden has baseball games, when Jon has days off-I am lost), they took my family's sense of security. How dare they.

I want my laptop back! I refuse to accept that it is gone, taking with it so much of great value to me. There has got to be something I can do. I have to hope that something I do can make a difference, even if it doesn't, I would rather feel hope than sadness and defeat. I am a woman who fights for what is important to her, aren't I? I am a mom who her children can look up to as their defender from all things bad, aren't I? I think that I won't ever really move past this until I know that I did everything I could to get back what is ours.

So this is what I did:

I posted a reward on Craigslist (http://www.craigslist.com/kit/wan/1698992813.htmlslist.com/kit/wan/1698992813.html) that said this:

On Sunday April 18th our home was broken into and amongst other things my laptop was stolen. It was a Mac Book Pro and I want it back with the files in tact. This laptop has all of my family photos on it from the last 9 months of our lives. I am offering $1000 reward for the return of the laptop with the photography files in tact. If you stole the laptop then you have to know that no one is going to pay anywhere near $1000 for a used, banged up laptop with a missing #5 key. This is the best monetary offer you are going to get so take it while it is on the table. If you don't want to e-mail me then call and we will work something out for exchanging the laptop for the money. I am not trying to trick you or trap you, I just want my memories back.

And this is what happened next-

On Monday afternoon a man called me to discuss the laptop. He said that his friend stole it and asked him to check the situation out and advise him on what to do. The phone call lasted 10 minutes and 43 seconds and the conversation went something like this:

ME: "How do I know that you or your 'friend' actually have my laptop?"

HIM: "Oh, he got yo' laptop. I seen the pictures. You a pretty little blond lady with your three little kids and your husband, Jon".

okay, Shama, be cool. Breath, and don't think about the INCREDIBLY dirty feeling that is washing over you as you picture this creep rifling through your family photos. Ignore the immediate impulse to gather your children to you and lock the door.

ME:"Okay, so what do want to do. Do you want to meet somewhere? I will want to check out that the files are still good before I give you any money."

HIM:"Oh, now we done lady."

ME:"What? Why?"

HIM:"Come on. You wanna meet means you got the police in it. We meet up and then I get cuffed. This will look real bad on me. I am an African American and you just a pretty little white women. I gonna come off like the bad guy."

ME:"Um, you ARE the bad guy. You, or your 'friend' came into my home and stole from me and now you are extorting money from me to return MY OWN property to me. There is no question that you are the bad guys. What I want to know is are you business men?"

HIM:"You think I real stupid don't you lady. I show up and you got cops all over me"

ME:"Do you really think the police have the time or resources to hang out in the bushes all day staking you out for the return of a laptop??? I promise that I won't call the police. I won't try to get you arrested. All the newborn pictures of my daughter are on that computer. All our family photos from the last year are on that computer. I really want it back and I'm willing to pay for it."

HIM:"Lady I feel for you but I gotsta look out for me and my boy. This don't feel right. You husband need to talk to you. You don't go 'round saying you gonna meet some one. You gotta think about you and you family and you doing something, meetin up with some one, its not safe."

ME:"Fine, if you don't want to meet then you think of something. There has got to be a way that this can work for everyone...." this is where I start prattling on, throwing out one rediculous

idea after another all the while racking my memory for some scenario seen on a movie or TV show where some plan was hatched to exchange goods for money. I think I even said something about FED EX ing it. Oh, boy it was bad and my voice was getting more and more screechy as the seconds ticked by and NOTHING good was coming to me. I could feel myself losing him.

HIM:"Lady, lady, lady, you gotsta settle down here. Look, like I's tell my boy, no good taking it to a pawn shop cause you gotta show ID, so I's told him jus take it to Ray at the liquor store and maybe he give you 100 bucks for it or find your'selve a cab driver or something and he give you 100 bucks or just scrub it and you's got your'selve a new laptop."

ME:"Well he is an idiot if he turns down $1000 dollars for the possibility of making $100 and he is a REAL idiot if he wants to keep it because he didn't even take the $70 power cord and the computer is useless to him with out it."

HIM:"Lady, I don't have all day fo this. I's sorry, I gonna tell my boy that he should walk away"

ME:"Are you kidding me?? He risked arrest to make maybe $100? Look this is simple. You have something I want, I have something you want. We just need to find a way to make the exchange. I just can't think of anything right now".

HIM:"I give you an hour. I's call you back and you tell me wha' cha thinking about"

ME: Defeated but unable to come up with a way to make this work and scared that once I get off the phone with him he will disappear. What can I do but say, "okay. I'll work on it".

"Working on it" consisted of calling up the people in my life who I thought might have some sort of brilliant plan for me to spring into action. Boy was I disappointed. The nervous Nellie's I hang out with were totally dry on the plan front and spent the better part of my hour with admonishments to not do anything stupid. Some of them even called my husband at work and tattled on me.

Where is this guy when you need him?

And now my hour is up and I am no closer to having a plan which will make my robber feel safe enough to have his third party meet me while also making me feel safe enough to meet a guy who is friends with the stolen goods broker, Ray, at the liquor store and who knows that I probably have $1000 cash on me. Think Shama think.

And then the phone rang....

Tired and sad...

On Sunday I was feeling like this- And wrote this in my journal-
Today I am feeling so blessed with kindness that it humbles and strengthens me. I have felt supported and loved by many and I appreciate it. I need the strength. I don't want to feel so leveled by this...this... invasion. I know that this trauma is a small thing in the grand scheme of life, a hiccup really, I KNOW that but I still feel so very sad about it. I know that it could have been so much worse. The thieves could have hurt my dog or vandalized my home and I can't help but think what could have happened if Jon had stayed home with Caden who wasn't feeling well. I am so grateful that my family is safe, healthy, and whole. I still feel like there is this dark cloud hanging over me though. I will be doing something and it hits me again that someone out there may have been watching my home, seen as my family finished breakfast and gathered our belongings and left for church. They know where I live. They entered the sacred space that is our home. Did they touch Danali's baby blanket that was laying on the kitchen chair? Did they step on the "Bartlett Family Goals" sheet that fell to the floor. When they stood in the stillness of my home, did their gazes linger on the family photos hanging on the wall? Did they think of the family that had just left and wondered with every sound if we had suddenly returned? What went through their minds? Were they elated at their daring for entering a space that didn't welcome them or was there a moment of hesitation?
What bothers me most as I sit here and think of those who did this to my family, I know that they are not thinking of us. I will think of them for years to come. Every time I pull out my children's baby books and there is a pang of sadness for the loss of Danali's first year, I will think of them. When I recall how the direction of my business changed, I will think of them. They will never think of me. They will never have a moment of regret. This little stint of breaking and entering will probably barely even register as a memory for them. It is so unfair. So unjust. I guess all I can do to make this whole situation a productive experience is to learn what ever lessons I can from it. Grow from it. Not allow this pain to be in vain. Find the wisdom in it. But, I will have work on that tomorrow, tonight I am just too tired and sad.

Violated

While we were at church today our home was broken into and we were robbed. They weren't here long and didn't take much, but the two minutes it is estimated they spent in our home, cost us a lot. In terms of monetary loss, the biggest hit was to my photography business. They took my laptop with all my photo shoots on it, my external hard drive (which was sitting next to the laptop and being used to back up all my photo shoots) , my camera, and my lens. On the laptop was the files from all my photo shoots, all the photography templates I've bought sinse I started my business to design albums, cards, and blog boards, all the photography programs I've purchased, the actions, the brushes, the photoshop plug ins, my logos, all my branding materials, all my marketing materials, basically everything that I have poured my heart and soul into over the last 9 months to create Shamalea Photography. I have nothing. I am going to have to redesign everything from packing invoices to business cards to pricing guides and brochures. I am sick, and overwhelmed, and devastated just thinking about it.
What makes me more sick and devastated are the phone calls that I am going to have to make tomorrow to several of my clients. A handful of my shoots were safely uploaded with full resolution files to an online gallery/storage site so those I still have access to, but most of them are gone to me and my clients forever. I have been so busy that I have only been posting online galleries for mini shoots and clients who live out of town and can't do proofing sessions with me. All the other shoots I just keep on the lap top and backed up on my external hard drive. I have had this nagging voice in the back of head advising me to back up my back up and down load all my files to the online gallery for safe keeping. The voice reasoned that I'm paying for the service anyway so I should use it and what happens if there is a fire or something? In the end it got moved down on the to do list because it is time consuming and I was lulled into a false sense of security with the external hard drive. Now me and my clients are paying the price for ignoring that little voice.
Personally, I am reeling at the loss of all my family photos. Every event, every special moment, every mile stone, from the last year was carefully captured and preserved on that laptop. The other day I was at Costco and noticed their coupon for 9 cent 4x6's and thought to myself that I should just print the over 1000 family pictures that I have stored on the computer then hire my friend to put them all into albums. I went to bed with a smile on my face imagining sitting down with my kids and looking at family photo albums. I will be suffering the loss of my maternity photos, the photos of the kids meeting their new baby sister for the first time, the new born, 3 mo and 6 mo photos of Danali, the pictures of all of Ell's stunts over the last year, the pictures of Caden playing on his first soccer team and going to his first day of school, the pictures of the kids in their Halloween costumes, the pictures of them playing in the pool all summer long, all the family vacations, the outings, the funny everyday little adventure that make our lives so colorful, for a long time. I really don't think that I will be getting over that loss ever.
I feel like a huge piece of me has been taken. Professionally I am bust until I rebuild. My camera and lens are gone along with my whole professional identity. But my sense of professional loss goes so much deeper than that. There is the pain that I will be causing my clients in losing their photos, which makes me sick to my stomach, but there is also this sense of losing my art. I don't really know how to vocalize this, but every photo that I brand with my name gets a little part of of me. Photography is my art form. Each photograph is unique and special to me. I capture the image in the lighting and at the angle that I feel will best represent the subject and then I edit each image until it looks and feels just right. They are portraits of other people, but I still feel a sense of artistic pride and ownership when I look at the images. They are gone.
My personal loss is what is keeping me up blogging at 1am. When Danali asks why there are no pictures of her until she is nearly one, I will recall this day. When Ella wants to know what she looked like after she cut her own hair, I will recall this day. When Caden wants to see pictures of the time he was licked by a Buffalo at the Olympic game farm, I will recall this day. When I wonder why I started checking my windows and doors before going to bed at night, I will recall this day. It is the day that my family was violated.